Change

I have been pondering my continued obsession with the scale.  I realized I need a powerful reason to let go of this dependence.  I think I found my reason.  First, every time I worry about the numbers on the scale I become tense.  If the number is higher than I want I'm edgy for the rest of the day.  This pattern led me to think about the effect of the stress on my body; so I posted this question on the MFP community board:  "Does stress have a physiological effect on our bodies - does it make us gain weight?"  The answer was a resounding "Yes"  One member even posted an article for me.  This is going to be the reason for letting go of the obsession.

For me, in order to change I need a reason that is more powerful than the reason that drives my behavior.
The desire to lose weight drives my obsession with  the scale.  But the stress of wanting the numbers to go down contributes to my body holding on to the weight.  So, my desire to lose weight contributes to actually keeping the weight on. 

So the next thing to do is to continue to work on changing my habits,  to exercise every day, and to cultivate my other dreams.  Dreams of writing a book, dreams of living in a beautiful and restful environment, dreams of..... hummm, what other dreams so I have?  For so long the only dream that mattered was to lose weight and I'm well on my way to that.   I'm going to have to work on this dream cultivation.

Something to think about.

I have had a very difficult time on Friday and Saturday staying on the MFP  program.  I want to lose weight, more importantly, I want to stay on the program.  But Friday and Saturday I literally couldn't.  I could not control what I ate - the cravings were incredibly strong and there is this angry beast inside of me that seems to be forcing me to self destruct.  I've been thinking about this.  Why? is my first question.  Why is there a ravenous beast inside of me when there hasn't been one since September.  What is different about this week.  I think I might have a partial answer.

I work in a 3 person office.  There is my boss and my co-worker.  Usually we all get along really well.  However, since last week my co-worker stopped speaking to me.  I have no idea what I did but she just stopped initiating conversation and she will answer a question with the shortest answer possible.  I have no idea what I did or said.  I have asked if there is anything wrong and the answer is "nothing".   I don't know how to make it right.  I just know that something is wrong.

As I ponder this issue several ideas come to mind:

1.  Why do I need her approval?  I don't want it to bother me if someone isn't speaking to me.  After all, I asked if something is wrong and was rebuffed.  Clearly, the ball in in her court.  Furthermore, maybe it's not even me.  Maybe when she said "nothing" she actually meant "nothing." So far I have been staying friendly and acting happy and trying to just leave her alone to deal with whatever is bothering her.  I guess I just need to keep doing this.  But then I ask myself why I feel compelled to take the blame and/or responsibility for a problem with the relationship.  When I was growing up, I was taught that when there was a problem, you accepted responsibility for it.  Perhaps I took the lesson too far and accept responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me.

 2.  Why do I eat when things are going badly in an area of my life?  A couple of things come to mind:  First, do I eat to comfort myself, or because I don't know how to get out from under the negative emotions.  Face it, those kind of emotions just wear you down.  They are just always there.  Nagging.
Second, do I eat to punish myself?  Do I somehow begin to think that I don't deserve to be thin when I have problems with other people?  Am I withholding what I want the most until I can be perfect.  Why would I do this to myself?

In all honesty, I think both of these possibilities are true.   I don't quite know what to do with the negative emotions, I operate under the assumption that if I can make everything right - the bad feelings will go away.  This is so not true.  What if someone close to me died - there is no way I could act that would take away the pain of grieving the loss someone I loved.  And yes, I eat as the metaphorical equivalent of sending myself to my room.  

Of course, the next step is to figure out what I need to do with this information.

Dieting - 90% mental

I have gone for an entire month without losing any weight.  It is so frustrating.  I think 'awwww, this is pointless' or "why do I even bother" or "this will never happen."  And every time I think these things I have to fight the desire to just give in and eat anything.  I am frustrated and angry.  That doesn't help either. 

I know that the scale isn't the only measure of the changes that are going on - my pants are so big I'm afraid to wear them without my belt.  My belt is on the tightest hole - and it hangs loose.  So I know changes are happening.  But I want the validation of the scale.

I think it goes back to my dieting days when I was in elementary school.  If the scale went down I was good and if the scale didn't move I wasn't working hard enough.  I know how much better I feel and the scale shouldn't matter.  But it does. 

How much of my mental state has to do with the fact that deep down I still have the attitude that this weight loss thing is temporary.  That when I reach my goal I will be able to go back to eating what I want.  I know that isn't true but sometimes I unconsciously think that way.

Revised Goals

I posted on the MFP community board asking about other women's experience with losing weight after they go through menopause.  Most of them said the same thing -- it can be done -- it's just a little slower.  I need to expect to lose around a pound every ten days rather than every week.  Still - that would be over 30 pounds in a year and THAT would be a very healthy weight loss and one that I could live with.  Because I know that I'm still going to have dessert - I'm still going to crave chocolate - I'm still going to eat snacks.  In short, I'm going to live my life.  I think I'm going to need to expect to lose about 2 pounds per month. Maybe three.  Hopefully, it will be three when I'm exercising one hour a day, five days a week. 

I want to begin weight lifting.  I  think I'm going to go to fitzone for women today.  If it is clean and bright and only under $20 per month I will join.  That should help the weight loss effort too - it should also help the vitality goal as well.

I have to say - I am feeling way better physically.  I have more energy, I sleep better, and I just feel better.   One of the reasons I began this was to feel better. 

What do I want?

I have been doing myfitnesspal for over a month now and I have lost between 3 and 4 pounds.  The fact that I have been stuck at 4 pounds for the last 2 weeks makes me wonder - what do I really want?  What do I need to make it work?  What kind of commitment do I want to make to the whole weight loss issue?

First and foremost, I want to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see.  This is the most important issue to deal with.  Because I have been trained to think that if I am overweight then I'm not allowed to be happy about myself.  I have lived a lifetime of loathing.  Some time ago I vowed that this would stop.  That I would smile more, that I would be happy no matter what I see in the mirror.  I think, on the surface I am doing well at this issue however, my dependence on the scale says otherwise.  This is an issue that I need to work at each and every day.

Second, I want my hard work to pay off at weigh in time.  This places too much dependence on the scale.  I notice a lot of other payoff's with regard to my body.  First, I feel wonderful when I work out.  I remember more at work, I am happier in general, I sleep better, my pants are all mostly too big.  So there are a lot of pluses to this program.

Third, I still subconsciously and consciously want to be thin.  Part of this is the conditioning of my culture, part of this is my health, part of this is to please my parents (and part of staying fat is to assert my independence from them) part of this is so that it will be "okay" to like what I see in the mirror.

Fourth, I still think of this as a "diet" not as a way of life and it's going to take hard work to change my thinking.  I think this is the issue that I need to work on most.  I need to make some goals that function as, for lack of a better word, rules for living.  Changes that I make to my habits that impact the rest of my life.  But that's for the next post. 

What if, I stayed on this program for the next six months and only lost a pound a month?  What would be the impact?  I would weigh six pounds less, my BMI would improve, my cholesterol would improve, my blood pressure would improve, I would feel better.  I would feel an immense sense of satisfaction at what I had accomplished.  BUT I would also probably feel like if I did the program better I would lose faster.  I would pick apart all of my mistakes, and I would be angry with myself for not doing more - because that's how I approach life in general.  Everything has to be done quickly and perfectly.  THIS is the change that is the most important one to make, the change that is central to how I spend the rest of my life.

Do you notice a pattern?  Each issue is the one that I say I need to work on - they are all issues that I need to work on.  So how do I do that - one day and one week at a time. What is my goal for this week with regard to eating and living?  Watch out for negative thinking.  Have fun working on the program.  Celebrate what I can do and how I improve at living.

New Day

I KNOW that doing My Fitness Pal is the way to go for lasting weight loss, it's sensible and it works.  Really, my overall goal is to change my habits for good.  I'm not on it for a diet that will get me to my goal weight so I can go back to my old way of eating.  I'm on it to develop new habits that will last me the rest of my life.  The weight loss should just be a side benefit.  But I want to be thin.  I want to be able to go to regular stores and buy what I need without looking forever. I want to try on a smaller size and have it fit perfectly.  As I write this blog I realize that clothes don't work that way.  Look at "What Not toWear" Stacy and Clinton repeatedly tell people that they need to get their clothes tailored.  As I think about this I need to remind myself that the idyllic life that I kind of expect after weight loss is a fantasy. 

All of that first paragraph leads up to the topic today - weight loss.  Today was my weigh in day and I didn't lose any weight this week.  Why do I need the validation of the scale?  It doesn't show my hard work.  It doesn't show how much better I feel.  It doesn't show that I have gone from riding the stationary cycle for 20 minutes at level one to 40 minutes at level 4.  It doesn't show that I have gone from not being able to walk at all to walking a mile and a half in less than 30 minutes.  It doesn't show how just plain great I feel. 

Why do I need the validation of the scale?  Sometimes I have a little voice in my head that tells me "it's not okay to feel good about yourself unless you are thin."  The truth is - I'm not sure you can lose weight unless you feel good about yourself.  Unless you care enough about yourself to make the sacrifices necessary.  I feel good about me.  I commit to working on this journey for another day despite my disappointment with what the scale says.  The scale will not be my judge condemning me to a week of disappointment. 

Randomness

I have been using My Fitness Pal for the last month and I must say, it is very empowering and effective.  I don't know whether the effectiveness is because this time, when I started my weight loss journey I began last January and worked first on the emotional parts.  I have worked hard since last spring on being happy, reading the Happiness Project and choosing to be happy despite my circumstances.  Slowly I have begun to accept my mistakes and not beat myself up.  Slowly I have begun to take risks and not beat myself up when I fail.  Slowly I have developed an affection for myself; an ability to give myself a mental hug when I need it.  Slowly, I have learned what my strengths are, what my calling is, and what I want to do in life.  I think these things are what are empowering  my weight loss.  The MFP site gives me the tools to use, and the social support to succeed. 
   As each pound leaves I say a sort of mental and emotional goodbye.  Each little pound served a function.  It cushioned me against emotional pain, it provided a barrier when I didn't know how to say no, and it took the blame when I failed at something.  I could always say "I didn't get that job because I was fat" or "people don't like me because I'm fat," or "I'm not worth anything because I'm fat" or "I have to please people because I'm fat." I couldn't find my way out of my problems without berating myself and beating myself up, I ate and the act of eating numbed me to the pain. 
  So I have learned to be happy.  I have learned how to act happy even when I'm not, and that act of pretending to be happy makes be become happy.  Yesterday, on my way home from work my husband was telling me about some problems he was having at work and I got more and more defeated.  And more and more frustrated.  I came home and ate 2 cereal bowls of potato chips and 5 mini peanut butter cups.  Then I had an epiphany.  I told myself that I wasn't doing this anymore, I told my husband that the only thing I could do for him was love him, and love the people that are giving him the problems,  and we had to choose to be happy and spread that happiness to the people he works with.  I funnily enough, I became happy.  I felt the weight of the pressure to please people roll off my shoulders.  I stuck to my eating plan for the rest of the evening.

I feel so much lighter. 

The Scale

Today, as I sit  here after logging my breakfast I realize I want to step on the scale to see how I'm doing.  I don't want this.  I don't want the constant thoughts about "have I lost weight yet?" or "If I do this until Christmas I will have lost X number of pounds.  This obsession with losing weight.  I don't want the focus of my life to be food or eating and that is what it becomes when I try to lose weight.  How do you stop this type of thinking?  The desire to weigh myself is as powerful as the desire to eat the other half of the donut yesterday.  Believe me when I say, I felt such a huge sense of relief when I threw the donut in the trash.  I was free from it.  It was a huge weight off my shoulders. 

About the scale though.  What do I do?  How do I stop thinking about it?  How do I stop obsessing about my weight?  I want this journey to be about being healthy, developing a healthy lifestyle.  The weight loss should be just a bonus.

Random Thoughts and Weirdness

I read an essay last spring that said that fat can't thrive in an environment of happiness.  After I read it I began working on becoming proactive about being as happy as I can possibly be.  I got the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I started a Happiness Project group at the house once a week.  It's something to look forward to on Mondays.  I have to say I am happier now.  Happier with my circumstances, happier with myself.

As a result of the happiness I decided to begin working on my weight in a more structured way.  Last week I joined myfitnesspal.com and I am quite happy with the site.  It is easy to use and the people are great, best of all it is very positive and encouraging.  I lost my first pound this week.  As I think about the pound that is gone I felt something I never expected to feel.   Affection.  I know that  sounds weird. Affection? For Fat? Affection for myself?  But the thing is - that pound of fat has been with me for the last 15 years.  Maybe even longer.  It was part of me.  I think I mentioned last January that my nutritionist does not say 'lose weight' she refers to it as "releasing weight" and I think that's a good way to think about it.  I released that pound.  Hopefully, I will release many more.

Another thing that happened today is this.  I have to back up a bit first tho.  Recently I read the book "The end of overeating"  and in it the author talked about how the food industry makes food hyper-palatable by loading it with sugar, fat, and salt.  Today, I was offered a donut by the people in the office next door to me.  I caved and took one.  BUT I recorded it in my food log.  As I ate it I thought about how it was hyperpalatable, smooth, rich, sweet.  Exactly what the food industry engineered it to be.  That was enough to make me set it aside.  I thought 'I'll eat this later' but it kept calling me so I dumped it in the trash. A victory.  The thing is I hate getting manipulated and the food industry is manipulating people to eat more that they need.   I refuse to buy into it any more.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will eat a donut from time to time, I will just be more aware of how it is engineered, I understand that eating it would taste good and the mouth feel would be good but the food won't be satisfying because it is engineered to make me come back for more. 

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for real food.  So there you have it - some random thoughts and weirdness on a Friday evening.

I have been reading "Women, Food, and God"  and I am working hard on dealing with my emotions so that I don't eat to numb myself.  John and I are going through a difficult time at one of the churches, my job is changing, my life is changing, and I find I'm extremely tense.  So, instead of eating I'm trying to listen to my body and eat for hunger and what my body needs rather than for what my emotions need.

By listening to my body tonight I realized I actually needed about half of what I had on my plate at dinner so I put the rest away for tomorrow.  The thing is, my head still wants to eat. And eat.  And eat some more.  I could do it all too easily.  But I tell myself that it's not what I want for myself.  Easily said but not so easily done.  I am craving any kind of food, but most notably carbs.   I tell myself that not only will eating them not make me happy - in reality it will actually make me unhappy.  But a voice in my head whispers  "a few cheerios won't hurt" or "just a small piece of toast" echos in my mind.  The thing is I don't really want them and I know I don't want them.  But the cravings are so, so strong.  And the voice and the cravings are so relentless.  And I feel so powerless.  And sometimes I just want to cry with frustration and pain and I don't know what to do.

Tonight I stand strong against the voice and craving.  I watch a movie that makes me happy and I spend 2 hours writing this blog and I manage to resist the food that my body does not need or want.

Tonight I will give myself credit for standing strong this new first time. I will celebrate my small victory and use it to build the next victory.  And each time I take a stand I forge a new path toward health, self respect, and happiness.   


For the moment then - I choose not to eat more - even though I want food more than anything.  I know, oh so well what would happen if I ate.  I would have this momentary rush of pleasure and then I would hate myself.  So, none of that.

I've got the squished down, flattened out, goin' to get the mammogram blues.

Ladies you know cos you have done it before
you've all walked up to that clinic door
you're here for the test cos you know it's the best
You got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.

The first thing you do, you gotta take off your shirt
you sure hate to do it cos you know it might hurt
to scan your breast, check the health of your chest.
You got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.

You walk right up to that big ole' machine
ya know its gonna tell you if your breasts are clean.
Your boobs get pressed and then you get dressed
You got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.


So I got in my car and drove to the place
Forty miles of a highway race
but my test was blocked cos the clinic was locked
I got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.



What's worse than having a mammogram?  Going all the way into Ann Arbor for one and not having it because the Dr's. office forgot to fax my requisition to the women's health center.  "Now, don't worry" said the perky voice on the other end of the phone when I called yesterday - "if you get to the health center and the requisition isn't there just have them call us and we will fax it right over."  So, trusting Pam the owner of the perky voice I made the 40 mile trip to my appointment.  Imagine my surprise when I got there and there was no requisition.  Of course, we called the Dr's office so they could fax it over and, guess what - they were closed.   The ironclad rule at the Women's Health Center is "No Requisition, No Mammogram."  So my trip was for nothing.

I have to say the whole incident made me extremely frustrated and angry.  In the past when I feel like this I get a self destructive urge to eat and eat. And eat some more.  I've been reading Geneen Roth's "Women, Food, and God" about accepting and feeling your emotions rather than numbing them with food.  Hence the flames.  Peaceful water just didn't do the trick in expressing how I felt.  I talked to my friend Julie on the telephone and she came up with the title of the little rhyme.  John and I did the rest and somehow, my anger has drained away.  I am calm peaceful and happy once more.  And I didn't eat my feelings.

By the way - feel free to send me additional verses or improve on mine.

WOW

I last posted on June 18 after I read an essay that says that fat does not thrive in an environment of happiness.  That realization began my investigation into the nature of happiness and ways to increase happiness.  I ran across the book "The Happiness Project" and I was inspired to begin my own happiness project.  One of the things I am working on first is my habit of complaining and judging.  Not easy.  But oh, so worthwhile, not only am I happier and more relaxed but I weighed myself this morning and I am down 8 pounds. 

Happiness

Early this week I read the essay "If Fat Could Talk" by Toyna Leigh (http://christinekane.com/blog/if-fat-could-talk/) The one thing that really resonated with me was the statement that fat doesn't "thrive in happy environments."  As I pondered this throughout the week I realized that all too often I postpone being happy until my fat is gone.  I have a deep subconscious belief that it is not right for fat people to be happy.  The more I thought about this the more I realized that if I ever want to fully live life I need to ditch this belief.  The problem is - changing your thinking is not enough.  I need to change my doing as well.  This led me to an internet search on the topic of happiness, which ultimately led to Gretchen Rubin's book "The Happiness Project."  The theme of the book is that we are all responsible for our own happiness.  Part of the happiness we experience in life is the result of our personality and nature - but a lot of it is about how we live our lives and the choices we make.  We have to choose to change the actions and thinking that lead to unhappiness.  I have the sneaking suspicion that if I start a book discussion group on this book and spend the next few months to a year on working to change my actions I will find that some of my weight melts away; I think I may be too busy to focus on the wrong things.  I'm looking forward to putting some of the suggestions in the  book into practice.  You might want to take a look at the Happiness Project website (www.happiness-project.com)

Vision Journal

Recently a friend asked me if I had ever heard of Vision Boards.  I hadn't so I Googled them.  After reading about them I became quite interested.  They involve making a collage about the things that you would like in your life.  They are a way to visually represent those things that are really important to you.  This is a project tailor made for me.  First, it involves scissors and glue sticks - always a good start.  Second, it involves a fair amount of crafting and creativity - another passion.   Now, I'm not really a poster person so I decided to make a Vision Journal.  Last night I began by ripping pictures and words out of magazines, then cutting them up and pasting them into a journal my son made for me.  Here is what the first few pages revealed to me.  I am looking for more focus in my life.  The first picture in the book is the Michael Phelps ad that has appeared in a lot of magazines lately. The one with him wearing swim goggles.  The other picture on page one is of Dara Torres - as I pasted them in I was thinking that it took a great deal of focus and discipline for them to be successful and that's what made me realize that I want to be more focused on my goals. Hopefully as I work on this project I will learn more about what I want and will work to make it happen. 

What to do, what to do

It us the danger time for me.  The time after work and before dinner for me that is between 2:30 and 6:00.  Since I am trying to keep to a more healthy diet I didn't buy any chips, crackers, cookies, or candy at the grocery store.  So I don't have my usual snack foods in the house.  Since I have eliminated the snacking option -- what I notice is that I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I'm realizing just how much a part of my life eating and reading have become.  Its a ritual I keep every day when I come home.  And it's not a healthy ritual.  I can think of all kinds of problems related to it.  First, I overeat - plain and simple I take in way too many calories for my body.  Second, I don't do what needs to be done.  By that I mean that I could do a lot of things that would be good for me - exercise, journaling, de-cluttering, visiting with friends.  Third, by doing this I shut myself off from the world, I live in a kind of half life characterized by withdrawl and solitude.  There is nothing wrong ith solitude - I need a lot of solitude  but it shouldn't be taken to extremes.  Especially when nothing constructive comes out of it.  I think I need to make a list.  I love lists.  This one will be about what I want out of this new time that I have available.  3 hours per day.

Best Friends

I met Jan on the first day of high school when she walked into speech class and sat down next to me.  We started a conversation that day that lasted for eight years.  We talked through speech class, we talked through band camp, we talked through typing class (until I got moved to the other side of the room), we talked through synchronized swimming, we spent our summers by the pool talking and laughing with friends, we attended the same university and we talked through our years there.  But we haven't talked in the last 15 years.  We didn't have a disagreement or turn our backs on each other; rather she married and moved to Utah and I stayed in Michigan and neither of us were very good at correspondence. We were each busy with our own lives but I have absolutely no doubt that if we ran into each other on the street we would have taken up right where we left off 15 years earlier because that's the way we were.

Jan died this week.  When I think of her now it won't be as my friend who lives in Utah.  Instead, I remember her as she was in high school and college; the friend who lent me her car, the friend who constantly told me to stop worrying, and yes, the friend who got me in trouble in Mr. Bigelow's typing class for talking too much.  The last time I saw her was at a picnic years ago.  We were both in our 40's  and I remember so clearly, she was jumping on a trampoline and laughing and her streaky blond hair was flying everywhere and it's a picture of her that is so real and true to who she was that it makes me grateful to be able to remember her that way.  I am blessed to have known her.

Danger Zone Revisited

It's 7:51 on Saturday morning and I am thinking about my day.  The weekend is the worst time for me with regards to poor eating habits and snacking.  I really don't want to live my life snacking away the weekends so I need a plan to keep me on track to feeling good.  I want today to be different.  How to I deal with the danger zone?  How do I avoid the siren's call of the Peeps in the cupboard (at least until dessert tonight.)  How do I stop from snacking on crackers or processed foods?

I think it's all about commitment.  Initially I thought  "I have to commit to not eating the wrong kind of snacks today." In my mind it was all about deprivation and saying no to the temptation, but as I reflect on that issue, I think it's not quite right.  I think what I really need to do is to commit to a plan for the day so that I'm eating the right kind of snacks and meals.   This feels right and I think it's the first (and most important) step.  Next, I need to structure my time.  Make a set of goals for the day, just like I do when I'm at work.  Finally, what I am going to do is put my exercise as the number one priority for the day.  I'm going to go out at 9:00 and ride my bike.  Hopefully that will give me the power to put these other plans into effect. 

Lastly, I'm going to watch episode 3 of Jamie Oliver's food revolution.  I'm also picking a recipe from his cookbook to make for dinner tonight.

Classic Potato Chips

Today I was planning to work all day for one of my co-workers who had the day off.  At 2:00 my boss said "why don't we close up at 3 and leave?"  I guess because it is a holiday a lot of offices were closed and we had only had one telephone call all day.  What a nice surprise for the day. 

My husband and I are having dinner with our friends, Phil and Julie tonight.  Grilled rainbow trout, redskin potatos, asparagus, and cole slaw.  We are providing dessert.  Ice Cream - we made very small balls of ice cream rolled some in crushed peanuts and some in toasted coconut and some we left alone.  It's a nice, very pretty way to savor a very small amount of ice cream and still fell like you had dessert.  It is in the 70" here in Michigan and we plan to sit out and enjoy the weather. 

With all of those good things to enjoy and anticipate why did I buy the little bag of potato chips today?  I don't want to eat chips, I don't like myself when I eat chips, I feel guilty afterword.  I had plenty of lunch and was not hungry so there is no reason for me to need to have potato chips.  I'm trying not to beat myself up about it but it's hard.  I seem to have an excuse for everything. 

I am still happy with my overall progress this year.  I have been happier since December than I ever remember being and that is de to the fact that I have let go of so many self imposed expectations, I have seen some changes, and I feel like I'm poised on the edge of big changes.  It's very exciting.

A Rant.

Clearly, I don't know how to manage my emotions.  I'm impatient and self destructive.  Take today, for example.  John and I planned to go for a bike ride after I got home from work.  I got home a little late because I stopped at a library book sale.  Then I took some sudafed for my headache.  Then I was waiting for the headache to subside a bit before I go for a ride.  As I'm waiting for the sudafed to work John is sitting quietly waiting for me to go. Finally I am ready and we go to the garage.  I put on my helmet and suddenly he has to attach a little bag to his handlebars, which takes all of 3 minutes, Meanwhile, I'm impatiently waiting in the driveway when I hear him say - "which way are you going? I reply "Balmoral to Coachwood to the top of the neighborhood" He says "okay, I just have to put my helmet on so you start and I will catch up.  I take off and he never catches up to me.  I am at the top part of the neighborhood and he's nowhere in sight.  Thinking he might have a flat I turn around and pedal home, no husband.  As soon as I get home he arrives from another direction.  He had a flat tire.  He took another route to catch up with me.  The thing is you can see a long way down Coachwood and I looked and looked for him and he was no where in sight.  At this point I'm so mad that there is no way I'm going to ride with anyone.  In fact, I don't want to ride at all - I just want to sit inside, sulk and eat chocolate (see what I mean about self destructive?)

Now, here's my gripe - why couldn't he have checked everything when I was waiting for the headache to go away?  Why sit dressed for biking and wait for me, if he knew he had to put the bag on the handlebars?  Why tell me to start if he hasn't checked his tires yet?  The last angry gripe is with myself - why do I need my husband to go with me on my bike ride?" 

Interesting thought just occured to me.  Right now - I just want to sit here and stay fat.  Hummm, where did that come from?  It's like I'm at war with myself.  One part, the mature me wants to get healthy, the other part, the "I'm not gonna grow up" part wants to stay home and eat cookies.  I want to be the mature woman not the whiny kid so how do I deal with this?

Part of the problem, I think is that the mature woman does not really believe that losing weight will ever happen, so why bother.  But what if the worst happened?  What if I never lost weight no matter what I did - what can I change?  

One thing I know that I can change is that I can change my size a bit.  I think with exercise I could go down a couple of pants sizes.  I think with exercise I could strengthen my core and be more comfortable in my skin.  I would have better posture.  I think that by eating better (more fruits and vegetables, dairy and protein) I can improve my skin and hair.  I think that exercise will make me sleep better. I think that exercise will make me a better worker (because I sleep better.)  I think that exercise and good eating habits will give me a great deal of energy, even if I never lose alot of weight.

I think my goal just changed a bit - maybe my goal is more about feeling good and eating right to feel good.  

Epiphany

Last Sunday I realized that I have hated my body since 1962.  It is now 2010 - that's a long time to hate anything.  When I say I hated my body I'm serious.  When I was in 5th grade my pediatrician told my parents I was fat.  I was put on a strict diet and so began my dive into self hatred and body loathing.

My dad saw the world as black and white.  For instance, we joke in our family that there are 2 ways to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - my dad's way and the wrong way.  Throughout my growing up years I adopted some of his "right / wrong" mentality and applied to weight.  This is how that thinking went "you are either fat or you are thin" If you are in between then you are fat because in-between is by definition "not thin."  (Logically, its not fat either, but that's not how I was raised.)  If you could go back in time to 1968-1970 you would see me as a 5'4", 124 pound young woman.  I was a synchronized swimmer, I was in the marching band, I rode my bicycle everywhere, I ran most mornings, I was the fencing champion of gym class, I swam a mile on the first day of the summer swimming season, and I firmly believed I was fat.  

Here is my epiphany:  this last Sunday I realized that I have never seen myself thin. Ever.  It didn't matter what I weighed, if I wasn't 115, then I was fat.  Period.  If this was the end of the story it would be a sad, sad tale. 
On Sunday,I realized that not only was I weighed down by my actual weight (195) but I was weighed down by my all or nothing thinking and the belief that the purpose of losing weight was to be thin.  For me, that's not the case any longer.   For me, the purpose of losing weight is to feel good physically.  The purpose of losing weight is to feel the sense of accomplishment of taking care of my body.  The purpose of losing weight is to get healthy.  The purpose of losing weight is to be more comfortable.  The purpose of losing weight is to become strong.  The bonus of losing weight is buying smaller clothes and looking better.

I felt such a HUGE sense of relief.   For more years than I can count I have felt like I was carrying a load of rocks on my back.   The load was so heavy and oppressive that some days I felt like I couldn't stand up straight. I cried with relief when I realized that was gone.  I celebrated by going to get some new makeup.

The world is full of possibilities.

Change of Plans

I got off of work and ate some yogurt and raspberries for my snack.  As I was on the way home I started wanting food.  I sat quietly and thought about why I was wanting food and I realized something - I WAS HUNGRY.  When I came home I ate a scrambled egg and made piece of toast.  And it's no wonder I was hungry I had eaten less than 300 calories for breakfast and lunch combined.  It looks like I need to get serious about planning better meals and snacks.  My afternoon snack was less than 300 calories including the egg and toast.  So I have at least 700-800 calories to spend on dinner.  However, my nutritionist says that my body needs at least 1,368 calories to just function at a minimal level.  She has me at around 1,400 calories per day.  I'm really looking forward to dinner because we are having yardbird (bbq chicken cooked outside.)  I think we will also have some long grain and wild rice because it will be a great leftover meal.  

Rode the exercise cycle for a half an hour and noticed that I have improved my speed - to over 10 mph.  Yay. 
   

I know I have written about the danger zone for me which is the time between coming home from work and dinnertime.  I'm still struggling with that.  I still can't get a handle on controlling my eating during that time frame - also the weekend is difficult.  At first I thought that if I structured my time I wouldn't eat.  I ignore the things I have planned to do, I ignore the things I plan to eat in favor of crackers and highly processed foods.  So my question is why?  Why do I do this?  How can I stop?    When I come home from work, even on the good days all I can think about is the things I did wrong or the things other people did wrong.  I just know that I am so, so tired.  Maybe that is the biggest part of it.  Maybe I should plan to come home and lie down for 15 minutes and just relax.    It always takes me a long time to get upstairs even to just change my clothes partly because I'm just too tired to climb the stairs.  Also, I don't want to face the issues that arose during the work day.  Somehow I always focus on the things I did wrong and also I think that all the people around me are thinking that I'm incompetent too.  I could come home and exercise but quite honestly, I'm too tired.  All I want to do is eat and decompress.  I think tomorrow I'm going to try the new plan.  I'm going to come in, hang my coat up and go straight upstaris to lie down for at least 15 minutes, perhaps longer.   I'll let you know whether it works.

Sunny Day

So I came home at 4 today and it felt so good to see sunshine all the way home.  There is something about the quality of light that just lifts my spirits.  Also, this week it's been light when I have been driving to work in the morning.  Awesome.  It makes me so happy.  Now, I realize that March 3 is still the depths of winter here in the northern midwest but the mild winter temperatures today coupled with the blazing sunlight give me a taste of spring.   There is something about spring that makes me feel invincible - I can do anything - perhaps because I have survived a bleak, dark winter.  It feels so good just to be alive, I feel like I can do anything.  I have so much hope for this weight loss journey.  I want more than anything to lose this weight but I have to still address those pesky issues that trick me into overeating. Mostly, the critical inner voice that tells me that this can't be done, the voice that tells me that even if I do it I won't be happy with myself, so why bother, the voice that nags me to eat everything in sight then condemns me when I do.  That voice.  George Sheehan had a quote about running marathons  that refers to the voice. The quote is so powerful that I put on my refridgerator it says "It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners.  Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit."  Unlike lots of weight loss advice which just drags me down - this quote empowers me - it's not about what I "should" eat or not eat.  It's not about working to have the perfect body.  It is about the one foot before the other long distance marathon that defines my weight loss journey.  It's about getting up and starting again each morning - despite yesterday's failure.  It's about staying on the course when all you want to do is give up.  It's about the kind of person that I want to be - one that doesn't quit - that does not give up despite the 2-steps-forward-one step-back that seems to characterize this weight loss attempt.  In the past I have always given up after 3 weeks or so - I'm happy to say I'm still plugging away after 2 months - making note of my small victories and trying again day after day. 

Fear

This morning I printed my chart and planned my meals and snacks.  This afternoon I came home and ate my snack and started dinner.  I plan to go downstairs to exercise in a little while.  The sun is shining, the snow is melting, it is light in the morning when I leave for work, and some brave birds are singing when I wake up in the morning.  Despite all of these good things -- when I think of losing weight today I feel a surge of hope and a riptide of panic.  Why?  What is it about succeeding that has me terrified today?  I know how good I will feel.  For me its not so much about how I look, as it is about accomplishing a goal that I never expected to accomplish.  No, I lie - it's not about looking good to OTHERS it's about looking good to MYSELF.  It's about being satisfied with how I look and who I am.  I think this is the essence of my fear.  I think that perhaps if I lost 20 pounds it wouldn't be enough for me to be happy with myself.  If I lost 40 pounds it wouldn't be enough to be happy with myself.  If I lost 60 pounds and weighed what I did when I got married I don't think I would be happy with myself.  Because back then when I was thin I was never happy with how I looked.  Clearly, the first thing I need to learn  is to be happy in my skin.  I know I'm improving in this area but I still have a long way to go. 

As I look at that paragraph I see 2 issues here.

Learning to be happy with who I am.
Learning to be happy with how I look.

I know I'm making progress on both of these issues but I still have a long way to go.  I need to continue to read and explore the issues but for today, since I have identified my fears I can ponder them for a while.

Accountability for the Week

I made a chart today which lists what I need to eat for my meals and snacks - not the specifics, rather it is the number of proteins and grains that I should have at each meal and snack.  I also added spaces for aerobics and weight training.  My goal this week is to complete the chart every day.  So by next Sunday I will report to you whether I completed it or not. 
 
It's funny, I am excited all over again to keep at this.  Because I have been successful (6 pounds in 2 months) even if the weight loss is slow I am still seeing results.  I think as I add more aerobics and weight training the weight will come off a bit faster - but even if it doesn't I'm quite happy.  For one, since this is a plan from a nutritionist it is easy to stay on AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY EVERY TIME I EAT A MOUTHFUL OF FOOD.  Which is probably the best thing ever.  This is the first time in the past 45 years that I have felt this way (since my first diet at 11 years old.)  This feels good!

Focus - part 2: Refridgerator as a Metaphor for Life

My husband and I got the refridgerator cleaned out today.  I can't tell you how many mostly used bottles and jars of salad dressing, salsa, bbq sauce, and vinegar we rinsed and recycled.  There were also a number of storage containers of unrecognizable leftovers.  We took  everything out, washed the walls and shelves and put it all back and noticed that the shelves were mostly empty.  In fact, it's so bright it's nearly blinding.   It made me think.  What if my life is like my refridgerator?  What if I am packed to bursting with old, worn out, incorrect, half empty habits, ideas, and assumptions that I have gathered and saved throughout the course of my life.  What kind of a spring cleaning do I need?  I suppose this whole journey of weight loss and healthy eating is my way of getting rid of the old self destructive habits, of finding the path to health and wellbeing.  It's something to think about.

Snack Time

In keeping with the theme of organizing my eating I'm planning some healthy snacks.  My weakest time of the day is when I get home from work.  Hungry or not I want to eat everything in sight.  I think what I am going to do is plan one largeish awesome snack and have it waiting for me when I get home.   I want it to be something good enough that I can look forward to it during the day, and large enough to make me comfortably full after I have eaten it.  Here are some of my favorite snacks:

Pumpkin pie custard topped with vanilla yogurt whips.  I basically take my grandma's pumpkin pie recipe and bake it without the crust.  (recipe below)

Fresh raspberries on vanilla yogurt whip (yum, raspberries are the best)
Fresh strawberries on vanilla yogurt whip

Oatmeal topped apple crisp (like a pie without the crust calories) topped with, of course, Yoplait vanilla yogurt whip.

I can see you have detected the pattern here, but let me just say this about vanilla flavored yogurt whips - they are sooooo tasty - practically as good as whipped cream only better for you.  More calories, true, BUT they contain protein, dairy, etc. for me, a guilt free pleasure.

Look at that--practically a work week full of guilt free snacks.

Grandma Hattie's Pumpkin Pie Filling:

Best guess calories for a 1/2 C serving  128 

If made with evaporated skim milk calories are closer to 150 per serving

First get out a 4 cup measuring pitcher and put into it:

3/4 C sugar (you can cut it back to 1/2 if you want)
1 1/2 C Canned pumpkin puree
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
pinch salt
Pour skim milk in until it reaches the 4 cup mark
Mix up.  Pour into a greased dish and bake for 10 min at 450 then at 30 min at 350 but keep checking it every 10 minutes or so after the 30 until it is set and firm.  It is done when a knife inserted toward the center comes out clean.

Note:  I cook this in a small casserole dish rather than a pie plate.  The cooking time will vary depending on how deep the custard comes in the pan.

Note 2:  sometimes custards like this are cooked by placing the casserole dish in the middle of a pan of steaming water.  I don't know how this would impact the cooking time as I don't do it.

Note 3:  for best results use 1 can evaporated skim milk and add regular milk to 4 cup line if necessary.  Makes a much richer custard but may have more calories than regular skim milk

Focus

I am totally amazed at how my general lack of focus impacts my weight.  Actually this problem affects most areas of my life.  My house isn't clean, there are piles of stuff everywhere, my email inbox is full of emails that could be moved other files.  My refridgerator looks like a hurricane swept through  a week ago.  My cupboards have boxes of cereal and crackers that have less than a handful of food in them, my pantry has some canned fruits and vegetables that date back to the last century.  My exercise and eating plans are good but I have no implementation plan.  Clearly something needs to be done and this snow filled weekend will provide the time to do it.  Best place to start -- the refrigerator

So tomorrow here is the plan:  initiate a major purge - getting rid of:

Food we don't like, food with things growing on it, anything that I can't tell what it is supposed to be, wash the walls and shelves, put the good stuff back then admire the back of the refrigerator which hasn't been seen since Christmas.

Clean the pantry - this will probably take the rest of the day.
Create an eating plan and stick it to the front of the fridge so I can make a grocery list.
Make a check off chart for my exercise and post in the downstairs powder room.
Collapse in a heap from all the work. Wonder if all that work counts as moderate exercise. 

On another note:  Tonight is the fish fry (shrimp, yum) with our friends Julie and Phil.  Can't wait.

Fatigue

I am a morning person.  I am usually asleep by 10:15 every night and up by 5:45 in the morning.  I absolutely need at least 8 hours of sleep to function.   The other night I decided to stay up until midnight and watch the Olympic Ice Dancing finals. The next morning I dragged myself out of bed and struggled all day.  During the morning and afternoon (while I was at work) I stayed on my eating plan and was quite happy with myself.  All that changed once I got home.  I came home and ate a cup and a half of cheez-its followed by a handful of cookies.  As binges go I suppose it wasn't the worst, I ate the cheeze-its slowly and savored them.  But it wasn't what I wanted to do which made me start thinking about what caused me to throw all my hard work and planning out the window.  The more I thought about it the more I came to realize that fatigue played a huge role in the meltdown. 

No doubt about it; I was tired the next day.  Not only did I get several hours less sleep than normal, I had a day where I was doing demanding, detail oriented work.  Add to that a half hour commute home and you have a recipe for dieting disaster. 

When I get tired I don't make good decisions.  I lose my temper, I eat too much, I drive carelessly, I make mistakes, I don't pay attention to people.  This time, I threw caution to the wind and binged on cheez-its and cookies.  It doesn't matter the size of the binge -- what matters is that I choose to make decisions that are not in my best interests.  Almost always, those choices leads to episodes that cause anger, remorse, and guilt. So how do I change this?  What do I learn from it? 

I guess I have to realize that I need to be more proactive in taking care of myself.  I need to plan for the times when I know I'm going to be tired and liable to slip up.  If I had left a yogurt and fresh fruit parfait in the refridgerator for when I came home I wouldn't have wanted the crackers and cookies.  Note to myself:   leave a snack made up in the refrigertator, and my workout clothes sitting out.    Most of all I need to be able to cut myself some slack - I am losing weight slowly, and sticking (mostly) to my plan.  Each day I'm learning something new so, all in all, despite everything I am making progress.

I Have this Hunger

I have been thinking about my staying on my eating plan for the rest of the day I slowly came to realize something.  I have this hunger in me.  Ever since I made the decision to stay on my plan for the rest of the day I have been craving potato chips and chocolate.  But as I tell myself "no" to the junk food another "hunger" has been surfacing in my mind and heart.  It's hard to describe this hunger, it is so deeply ingrained in me that I can not remember a time when the hunger wasn't there.  At its most basic it is a hunger for power; not the kind of power that hungers for dominion over other people; rather, this hunger is for personal power.  Its the kind of power that is a quiet confidence in myself.  The kind of power that enables me to make the very best choices for myself.   Its the confidence to realize that the decisions I make are the right ones for me.  It is the kind of power that allows me to hear hurtful comments and not take them to heart.  It is the kind of power that allows others to have their own opinion.   It is, quite simply, confidence in myself and my decisions.

It's the confidence that enables me to say no to cookies, or potato chips, or chocolate simply because they are not what I want in my life right now.  Not because I "supposed" to say no to them but because I want to.  It is ironic to realize that by eating cookies, or chips, or too much chocolate I was denying myself the power and confidence that I crave so deeply.  The behaviors that I used to fill an empty space within me were, in fact the very ones that prevented me from filling that void.

All my life I have tried to lose weight because it was what I was "supposed" to do.  Not because I would feel better, not because I would be more healthy, not because I would feel more comfortable, not because I would gain strength and self confidence by developing healthy eating skills, all my life the only reason to lose weight was because it didn't matter how smart, kind, or talented someone was - the only thing that mattered was how thin someone was.  The reasons that I needed to lose weight were public image reasons. 

For me today -  healthy eating is no longer about doing what I am supposed to do.  Healthy eating is about becoming stronger, it's about being able to say no to myself and others, it's about drawing boundaries, its about becoming the best person I can be.  It's about putting myself "out there" being genuine and real. It's not about looking good (although that would be an excellent side effect.)

I think that each time I draw a boundary, each time I say no to doing something that goes against my best interests I will become stronger and I will begin to fill that void and become more of the person I was created to be.

Sunday Morning Meltdown

It's not even noon yet and I can't tell you how many Hershey's Kisses I have had already today.  I hate to say it but I'm eating them by the handful.  I tell myself to stop but clearly I am not listening.  It is very strange this conscious silencing of my real voice.  I know what is good for me, I know that chocolate (especially in these quantities) is bad for me and my eating plan yet I consciously go ahead and eat it.  It's almost as if I am punishing myself, I am withholding what I want most in order to hurt myself.  Hummm, there's an honest statement  (and one that bears exploring)

"I am withholding what I want the most"   What I want the most is to have a healthy relationship with food, I want to stick to my plan, I want to feel good about myself and my eating, I want to become strong and powerful.  I want to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.  And even this early in the day - my eating has not gone according to plan.  I am consciously changing that right now.  For the rest of the day I eat according to plan, I exercise, and I write my Advent blog.  But, in the meantime I still need to decode what my behavior this morning is telling me so that I can recognize it and change it the next time.

As I stop and reflect on the morning, I think my behavior is driven by a combination of anger, guilt, and defensiveness all mixed up together.  I feel extremely guilty about not going to church this morning, I feel guilty for not going to the community Lenten program this afternoon, I feel anger that my husband has to go to all of these things AND that so much time on the weekends is taken up with church things.  So I feel like I've let God down, let the church down, and let my husband down.  Clearly, I need to let go of these expectations and resentments.  I suppose I have taken the first step here by recognizing and recording them.

Who knew?

I feel totally at loose ends.  I look around the family room and there are a million things that I can do.  I don't know where to start.  I suppose the best place to go through the living room and a) pick up all the trash, and b) put away all the things that need to be put away and finally, dust and vacuum the room.  This is do-able.  I find it strange that I'm overwhelmed by what I see.  I tend to see an impossible mess and I have no plan to deal with it so I ignore it.  Since those options are out of the question as I am not hiding in books, playing on the computer, or watching tv, I have to start somewhere so this is it.

On another matter entirely, I rode the stationary cycle for 20 minutes, I feel good, and I'm looking forward to doing one of the workouts on  Comcast "On Demand."

Lent

Lent begins today.  I've been thnking about what I am going to do for Lent.  I think that between the end of breakfast andthe beginning of dinner I am going to fast from purposeless pursuits.  This includes playing games on the computer, reading fiction, or watching TV.  I'm also giving up soft drinks at work.  This will be a very effective discipline for me.  First, it will give me time to focus on my spiritual life, working on my Advent blog - (looking for Jesus in the everyday life, never mind that it's Lent.)  It will give me time to write this blog.  Also, it will give me time to work on my book, it will make me stronger as I eliminate the junk in my life.  It will show me many of the ways that I rely on "things" rather than Jesus, and that's something that I really need.  I'm looking forward to the adventure.

Pitty Party

I just got home from a terribly bad day at work.  Let me just say that I loathe making mistakes.  I hate apologizing, and what I REALLY hate is making mistakes on top of mistakes - i.e. send a faculty member their "revised, final proposal budget and then finding ANOTHER mistake.  AAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK.  Now, I have to email him with the dreaded words that no one wants to say or hear - there is one last revision on the budget....sigh.  I am feeling very sorry for myself - (I'm sorry for him too but I'm more sorry for me.)

On top of that my boss and co worker and I were talking about diets and health - and I said that my nutritionist put me on more calories than I had been having as I wasn't eating enough to lose weight.  I could hear my supervisor's thoughts - you ARE EATING TOO MUCH to lose weight. I mean I could be projecting those thoughts on to him but I could hear the disbelief in his voice.  I will have to lose enough for it to show before he would believe me.  Hopefully that will happen as I'm still trying to stick with the plan.  I truly believe that I will lose weight as I am eating around 1,200 - 1,350 calories per day and I am increasing my exercise.  But still, the pounds aren't going fast and I really don't want them to because I really want to lose this weight permanently.  I'm in it this time to change my habits; and that's a long term project.

With that said - I also have to say that what I discovered yesterday has had a huge impact on my life already.  Today, I was driving home and feeling terrible, but wonder of wonders for once I didn't crave chocolate.  I am "owning" and consciously feeling the bad feelings and I'm not eating chocolate to make me focus on something other than my mistakes.  That is a HUGE difference in my life.  Also, since I am admitting these feelings and feeling them I have the urge to go downstairs and workout.   I think I may be starting to deal with them in a different way which is extremely exciting. 

Monday

Every once in a while you get a day like today - a day where nothing goes right.  A day where you said something so totally idiotic that you wonder if you took a stupid pill when you got up in the morning.  A day where you managed to annoy every person you came in contact with.  Today is that day for me.  Ugh, its a day that I just want wipe off the calendar and forget.  You would think that the laws of time and space would prevent wiping out a day but you would be wrong.  The sure-fire, no fail, way to wipe out the day is summed up in 2 simple words:  Eat chocolate.

See, what happens is that you come home upset and you begin to look for a way to silence the critical internal voice that is constantly jeering at you about your mistakes.  "Chocolate would be so soothing," you think.   "You will  feel better if you eat something" you tell yourself.  "Just go to the cupboard and eat a  little bit of  the chocolate heart you got for valentines day" the little voice whispers in my ear "you don't have to eat it all', and "you really need it" or  "you'll feel better if you eat it"  the insidious messages whisper repeatedly through my mind.  At its worst the voice is relentless and the physical craving  escalates until  is so strong that it silences everything else. The only thing I can think about is having chocolate; the taste, the texture, the fragrance.  Ack!   I wrench my thoughts away from the chocolate.  "Lies" I tell myself, it's all lies.  But that is not exactly the truth.

Here is how it works.  You give in to the voice and eat the chocolate - even if you don't want it-- because, face it,  the voice is so strong and so relentless, and you feel so badly about yourself that you finally cave in to the temptation.  You indulge in a momentary flash of pleasure as you savor the intoxicating taste and texture of the chocolate.  When all of the chocolate is gone (and I do mean all) the guilt sets in and you spend the rest of the night feeling angry at yourself for not staying on your eating plan.  Instead of facing all of the day's failures you focus 100% of your attention and guilt on the chocolate mini binge.  Congratulations.  You have successfully wiped the day out of your mind. You tell yourself "I'll do better on my eating plan tomorrow" and you intend to do that very thing only you never do, because tomorrow brings its own problems.  

I'm writing this because I am having one of those days today, and I so WANT that chocolate.  But, instead I write and by writing I realize this truth--eating the chocolate won't make me feel better - it will just make me feel bad in a different way.   I realize that up until now I would rather feel bad by eating than bad by remembering the day. I hate feeling so stupid and knowing that I looked foolish. It seems like the worst feeling in the world.   But, each time I face the truth of the day, I  learn that I'm fine just the way I am; that a little humiliation won't kill me, I won't die of embarrassment either, I think I have become a little bit stronger.  And stronger is a very good thing.

Goals

Ever since I first realized that perhaps I overeat because of the lack of structure in my life I have been thinking about what I want and how to go about getting it.  Here are some of the things I want - the things that aren't related to my weight, size, or how I look.

1.  I want to publish my book.  Okay, my goal used to be I wanted to write a book - but I like my story and believe it has a lot of potential so I want to work it into saleable shape.  This means I have to:
    a.  re-read the whole thing.
    b. formalize the theme
    c. formalize the characters
    d. determine the plot structure
    e.  plan and revise each scene
    g. give to my daughter and a few trusted friends to read and provide feedback to me


2.  I want to deepen my spiritual life - so Lent is coming up and I think I will resurrect the Advent Project and keep looking for Jesus and blogging about it during Lent.

3.  I want my house to be pretty and most importantly, comfortable and welcoming.  First and foremost, I want my family room to remind me of vacations in Florida.  I'm nearly there with the decor but I still need to get or make new curtains.  I want blue and white ones, either blue and white stripes, checks, or floral.  I want to put a lime green lamp on a white (or yellow) table in front of them and put green and yellow pillows on  white chairs in front of the curtains.

4.  I want to go through my closets and dressers and get rid of all the clothes that I don't love.  My new rule for clothes is that they have to fit well, look good and I have to love how I look in them.

5.  I want to make a home office in the little breakfast area between the family room and kitchen.  The table is the desk, I am getting a desktop hanging file system, and I put my old desktop tower there so my laptop will be my personal "fun" computer.

Those are my goals for the next few weeks hopefully they will be done by Easter.  Except the book.  I want to do the March month of editing with NANOWRIMO (if it is March, I think it is.)  I want the book ready to go by Memorial Day.  Then I will think about looking for an agent.

Random Thoughts

I signed up for the core training class mostly because it said it improved flexibility and targeted your abs, back, thighs etc.  also you use weights, and I'm supposed to do that.  So, now I need to buy a yoga mat and I have no excuse for not getting some exercise clothing.  I'm very excited. 

I'm going to try one of the mini exercise classes on Comcast "on demand" tonight.   Tonight is my alone night which I plan to enjoy by doing the workout then watching an "on demand" tv show.

I am noticing that as I focus on the areas of the healthy eating program where I am successful I am able to stay on the program instead of giving up.  I guess I am doing it the right way this time.

I'm doing so much better since I started taking the antidepressant.  It's funny, they don't alter my mood, rather they put me in a place where I can work to improve my mood.  I feel like myself again and it's a huge relief.  I kind of felt like I lost part of myself a long time ago (sadly, around the time John went into the ministry.)

Anyway, I'm feeling good and we're having roast chicken for dinner and you know what that means - a cold chicken sandwich for lunch tomorrow - yummy.

Classes?

Tonight when I was sorting a pile of mail I ran across a flyer for the local Community Education Classes.  As I was leafing  through it I noticed some fitness and weight loss classes.  Here are the ones I am interested in:

Ballroom Dancing - John and I have wanted to take this for a long time.  We are thinking seriously about it.

Ultimate Body Makeover - strength training... it promises to turn "abs of flab into a chiseled torso, lift and reshape the gluts (is it glutes or guts they are referring to?), tone legs, hips, and thighs..."

Abs, Gluts (dictionary.com:  to fill to satiety...) and Thighs Blaster... this one is pretty self explanatory.

Total Body Conditioning with Core Training - for beginners or experienced exercisers build muscle strength, increase flexibility, balance, and endurance...

What will it be?  It probably depends on if any of the classes still have open spots to fill...anyway I'm looking forward to one of them at least.  Stay tuned for an update sometime tomorrow.

Snacks

I have been thinking about healthy snacks and wanted to post my favorite healthy snacks and hope that whoever else reads this posts their go to healthy snacks.

Here they are in no particular order.

Bite size carrots.
2 Hard boiled egg whites and 1/2 hard boiled yolk
fruit and yogurt w/1 tlb grape nuts
cereal and milk with 1/2 banana
stir fried vegetables  (add chicken for a tasty cold lunch)
2 oz baked chicken
apples with peanut butter
glass of chocolate milk
cup of hot chocolate
baked apple (I confess I haven't had this recently but it sounds yummy)
1 oz meunster cheese and 4 triscut crackers

I find it very interesting that when I came home from work today I didn't eat everything in sight (and this after a day when I didn't have a chance to get lunch..)  Instead, I had a small snack and changed  into my jeans then went to work in the livingroom.  I cleared all of the surfaces and moved everything that didn't belong there out.    Of course the dining area doesn't look so good now as that is where I put everything that I took out of the livingroom.   I plan to plug in the shredder and as I sort everything into stacks to be filed I will shred all of the things that need to be shredded.  I expect the dining room to be done in very short order, then on to the kitchen.  Oh, and I did the same thing in the family room (cleared all of the surfaces and put things away)  so that room looks pretty good too.  I feel much happier.  The rooms aren't perfect (and I know they never will be) but they are good enough.  In fact they look so much better than they did.  I have a big feeling of personal satisfaction and I feel so much lighter having the rooms clean.  I never expected that to happen.  I never expected to feel lighter because the house looked clean.  I never realized how closely these 2 things are tied together.  Perhaps everything in my experience is filtered through the lens of perfectionism.

Monday: An Interesting Development

Today when I put on the slacks I planned to wear to work I discovered that I could pull them off and on without undoing the button or zipper.  They were always a tad on the largish side but I could never pull them off or on like this before.   The plan is working!

Security

 I was surprised by the last sentence of my previous blog.  "It is time to let go of the security of snacking."  I have no idea where that came from - it never ever occurred to me that snacking was a security issue for me.  Obviously it is though because when I think of giving it up I feel an anxiety that borders on panic.  What will I do instead?  I'm stalled by indecision.   I sit and there are a million things I could do but for some reason I don't want to do them.  I can clean the house, I like the feeling of having a clean house, but while I am cleaning I have a string of negative thinking going on in my head.  Instead of celebrating that my house looks nice I look for every little imperfection.  The job is never good enough, the house is never clean enough.  I feel helpless and disgusted with myself.  

Okay, that's enough of the self pity.  But as I write this I believe it is totally true.  I can clean a room and find a hundred more things wrong with it.  Intellectually, I know that there is no way to get the room perfectly clean.  There is no way to get anything perfect no matter how hard someone tries because perfection does not exist.  What I need to do is to stop holding myself to the perfection standard because when I think in perfectionistic terms I retreat to a snacking. It's not surprising that I do either  because here is an example of my thinking:  Once I start cleaning I need to completely finish it. If I get all the  surfaces clean, them the floors need to be swept and mopped, after that the windows need to be washed, and after that the stove and oven need to be cleaned, oh, and don't forget the refridgerator, and after that the drawers need to be cleaned out, and after all of the bathrooms, and bedrooms are clean, then the garage needs to be cleaned, then the basement needs to be cleaned.  And it all needs to be perfect every single day because if it isn't it proves that I am a slob.


With a thinking process like this it is no wonder I interrupt that type of thinking with food.  Its no wonder I never want to start a project because there is no way I can finish it.  This type of all or nothing thinking needs to end because it forces me to numb myself with reading a book and snacking just to shut out the endless string of self criticism.  Because  of the self criticism I never start the projects, I simply retreat into the comfort of reading a book and eating.  It is incredibly stress producing think that I am powerless to do a job well.

So first, I need to consider what kind of standards I want to set?  How do I define clean, how do I define when a job is finished?  I'm going to try to set small, manageable goals to accomplish every day.  I need to tell myself a hundred times a day that perfection does not exist.  The whole job will never be done and not just because I am perfectionistic, but also because I don't live in a vaccuum.  I live in a house with 2 other people,  And we live here, we cook meals, we watch tv, we sort the mail, we forget to hang up our coats, we have a dog and a cat.  It's the nature of life, the cycle of living as it were, we are always having to balance our time and responsibilities.  

It will be interesting to see what the next few weeks hold.  Right now, I think I just want to make sure the surfaces are mostly clear and the floors are swept, and the dishes are in the dishwasher on a daily basis.  That doesn't seem too much to me.  It's a good place to start.  Any thoughts?

Structure

Today I have been thinking about how easy it is to overeat when I get home from work or when I'm alone here in the house.  I notice when I am overeating I often feel paralyzed.  Not so much emotionally paralyzed but rather I'm overwhelmed with choices.  Eating is immediate, soothing, relaxing, and something to do.   I eat to manage the swirling chaos of choices facing me.  For instance, I can clean the house  but where do I start - the whole house needs work.  I can paint, I can read a book (I have 3 waiting to start.)  I can work on writing my book, I can call my friend, Julie, I can ride the stationary cycle, I can take a hot bath,  you get the picture.When I leave work I leave behind 6 straight hours of concentrated mental activity.  In a twisted sort of logic I tell myself that now that I'm out of work I don't have to do anything.  This is not an effective way to live my life - not if I want to be creative, strong, and happy.
     Over the next few weeks I'm going to build some structure into my home life.  I think I will try setting up a schedule to do the things I want to do.  I want to lift weights, I want to be flexible, I want to strengthen my knee, I want to train enough to be able to ride in the pedal across lower Michigan ride next year.  I want to write and publish my novel, I want to do so much more than what I have been doing up to this point; but it will never happen if I sit and snack away the afternoon.   It's time to let go of the security of snacking and start living and this looks to be another step in the right direction.  (Whoa, where did the security comment come from - something to think about.)

After Work

It's 3 p.m. and I just got home from work.  I don't know about you but when I walk through the front door I am ravenously hungry.  If it is not nailed down I will eat it.  Even if I just had lunch I am hungry when I get home.  Today, I realized that it is real hunger.  I have been eating yogurt and fruit as an afternoon snack on a semi regular basis but I would usually have it at work.  Today, I planned to have it after I got home.  I walked through the door and my first thought was to get out some crackers or some chocolate and I was already trying not to feel guilty about the chocolate.   Today I took a step back from my craving and thought for a minute.  That short time-out made me realize that what I was feeling was real, stomach hunger.  In the next minute I remembered that I had a snack set aside for the afternoon.   In the past I have eaten a breakfast of a bowl of cereal or an egg and toast.  Then at work I would have a cup of dry cheerios, then I would come home and eat everything in sight Not surprising, right? 
   Today is different.  Today, after I realized I was hungry I fixed my snack - a cup of fresh strawberries with a small container of vanilla yogurt on top and I sprinkled the whole thing with a tablespoon of grape nuts.  Let me tell you - there isn't anything much better than good fresh strawberries and vanilla yogurt.  My stomach is comfortably full.  I could eat more but I don't have that ravenous craving that drives me to eat everything in sight.    At first I felt sort of guilty at the bowl that was full.  As I ponder this I wonder if I really know how much food is too much.  In the past ANY amount of food was too much.  Truth to tell - when I visited my nutritionist - she said "when you come home from work I want you to have a parfait made with fresh fruit and yogurt." Those were her exact words.  (She also said I wasn't eating enough to lose weight.)    I have her permission to eat and she should know what she is talking about.  This is food to nourish my body so I can do the work I need to do this afternoon (on top of that it was extremely tasty.)  I tell you, it's a really, really good feeling.

Progress

It might seem silly to write a blog about weight loss when I don't own a scale but I find it very interesting that, I am doing better now than I have in all my previous attempts to lose weight.  This time I'm not obsessing on the numbers, on how much weight I might have lost for the effort I am making.  In the past the most important thing was how much weight I could lose in the fastest amount of time.  This time I am working on changing my habits.  I trust that the plan will work because I got it from a nutritionist who carefully explained why she wanted me to follow this plan.  Since I got this eating plan I am eating more rather than less and I am feeling much better about myself.  It's ironic, but for quite some time I have not eaten much in the way of vegetables and I NEVER snacked on fresh vegetables or fruit.  Now since I don't "have" to have carrots because I am on a diet I actually want the carrots.  I find that very interesting - when I had to eat them I didn't like them but when I don't have to have them I want them.  It makes me wonder about other foods that I refuse to eat because I mentally associate them with "dieting."  A topic to explore in more depth in the near future.  I still have some changes to make in my eating (getting rid of eating chocolate when I get home from work every day is probably the best thing I could do.)  I am working on it.  I notice that I even started eating chocolate differently.  Instead of chewing it I let it melt in my mouth and I savor the burst of sweet, intense chocolate.  And, I am satisfied with less chocolate.  Another good development. 
    I have also added exercises to my routine.  I am starting really slowly because of my bad knee, and I started my physical therapy exercises to strenghten my knee.  In the meantime I am also riding the stationary cycle for aerobic activity.
    Even without the scale I can tell changes are happening because my slacks feel looser.

All or Nothing

I'm one month into my wellness project and I'm wondering why I won't stay on a weight loss program for more than a week.  Is it because I'm not committed?  Is it because it is too much to keep track of in my mind?  Is it because I need everything to be perfect before I begin?  Is it because I think I don't deserve it? I want so badly to lose weight but somehow I will not sustain the effort it takes to finish the job.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I always give up. 

I could beat myself up with all of those reasons but the truth is - in my mind - unless I have performed perfectly then I have not done anything at all.  But as I write this I realized that since I met with the nutritionist I have eaten yogurt and fruit nearly every day.  I have added lunch to my routine.  I have added healthy snacks at work.  I have added protein to every meal.  I have made all those changes and kept with them for more than a month. It's true that I have not lost weight but losing weight isn't the only measure of success.   So, as I think about this I realize that I haven't been unsuccessful at all.  I have been very, very successful in many aspects of this long-term project.

The truth is - I have always been very hard on myself.  I have ignored all the things I have done right in favor of all the things I have done wrong.  Because of this all or nothing thinking I have turned myself into a person who does not believe in success.  A person who does not take risks.  A person who believes that the end result is the only thing that matters.  A person who has always said that "because I failed yesterday, I am a failure."   I don't like that I have treated myself this way and it has to end.  In the future, I will be listening carefully to the things I tell myself and I will challenge the negative messages.

As I look at all of the positive changes I have made in the last month, I realize that I'm ready to make a few more changes.  I'm going to add lots of vegetables to my lunches this week. Carrots tomorrow, but stir fry later in the week, and perhaps fried rice with lots of vegetables.  I'm going to limit chocolate  to 3 Hershey kisses at a time with at least a 30 minute wait between servings.  (Someday it may be 3 Hershey kisses per week, but I'm not ready for that yet.)  I plan to begin exercise this week.  I'm starting with the stationary cycle but I'm also beginning to add my physical therapy exercises to increase my core strenghth and also strengthen my left knee again so I can start walking.

It's true that I haven't lost weight.  Yet.  I haven't lost weight yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Day 1: No diet

One of my goals for this year is to become more healthy.  To me this means eating a better diet and exercising as well as working on my spiritual life.  Yesterday I went to see a nutritionist for a healthy eating plan.  She taught me a lot and we set up a possible diet for me.  I was very excited.  Today is another story.  Today, all I can think about is what I can and can't eat.  I want to hurry and see a weight loss.  Everything is focused on the idea of weight loss.  This is not how I want to live my life.  This year I am making some changes.

In the past I have tried a wide variety of diets, most of which I couldn't follow after about 3 weeks.  So I constantly started and failed.  Whenever I was on them, the whole focus of my life was on what I could and could not eat.  My days were filled with either fighting off cravings or giving in to cravings.  I could sustain this type of intensive thinking for about 3 weeks then I abandoned it for good.  Not surprisingly, this led to feelings of failure.  I just can't make myself sustain the constant fight to not eat the wrong foods. 

Yesterday, I got another food plan, this time from a nutritionist.  This plan added quite a bit of protein to my diet.  I also listed some of my goals for the next few weeks.  Things like buying more healthy food, and eating more fruits and vegetables.  Today, I woke up excited to be starting a new food program, suddenly though, in the middle of the afternoon I realized that I am falling into my old obsessive pattern - focusing my life on food and diet.  I thought about this off an on today and have decided that since this method never worked in the past there is no evidence that it will work now.  Just to prove that I can learn from my mistakes I am changing the rules of the game.

Right now the only changes I am going to make are:  1) work on adding protein to my diet and 2) do aerobic exercise for 20 minutes on 4 days per week and lift weights on 2 days per week.  That's it - the only changes I'm going to make for the next few weeks.  I'll see how this goes.  If I crave something besides what is on my plan - I will go ahead and allow myself to have it, especially if all I'm doing is thinking about it.  That's it. The only changes that I will make at this time.  It will be interesting to see what happens.  I expect that by doing this I will feel a little more alert and I hope my cravings for sweets and treats will subside a bit.   I expect that I will be much more relaxed, and that by getting used to this first change I can add additional changes over the next few months.  I realize that I may not see a difference in the scale for the next couple of months but I think I will notice a difference in how I feel.

By giving myself permission to snack I'm removing the "cheating on my diet" aspect of the plan.  I'm making a small change that I can incorporate into my daily life. It will be interesting to see what happens.