I have been reading "Women, Food, and God"  and I am working hard on dealing with my emotions so that I don't eat to numb myself.  John and I are going through a difficult time at one of the churches, my job is changing, my life is changing, and I find I'm extremely tense.  So, instead of eating I'm trying to listen to my body and eat for hunger and what my body needs rather than for what my emotions need.

By listening to my body tonight I realized I actually needed about half of what I had on my plate at dinner so I put the rest away for tomorrow.  The thing is, my head still wants to eat. And eat.  And eat some more.  I could do it all too easily.  But I tell myself that it's not what I want for myself.  Easily said but not so easily done.  I am craving any kind of food, but most notably carbs.   I tell myself that not only will eating them not make me happy - in reality it will actually make me unhappy.  But a voice in my head whispers  "a few cheerios won't hurt" or "just a small piece of toast" echos in my mind.  The thing is I don't really want them and I know I don't want them.  But the cravings are so, so strong.  And the voice and the cravings are so relentless.  And I feel so powerless.  And sometimes I just want to cry with frustration and pain and I don't know what to do.

Tonight I stand strong against the voice and craving.  I watch a movie that makes me happy and I spend 2 hours writing this blog and I manage to resist the food that my body does not need or want.

Tonight I will give myself credit for standing strong this new first time. I will celebrate my small victory and use it to build the next victory.  And each time I take a stand I forge a new path toward health, self respect, and happiness.   


For the moment then - I choose not to eat more - even though I want food more than anything.  I know, oh so well what would happen if I ate.  I would have this momentary rush of pleasure and then I would hate myself.  So, none of that.

I've got the squished down, flattened out, goin' to get the mammogram blues.

Ladies you know cos you have done it before
you've all walked up to that clinic door
you're here for the test cos you know it's the best
You got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.

The first thing you do, you gotta take off your shirt
you sure hate to do it cos you know it might hurt
to scan your breast, check the health of your chest.
You got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.

You walk right up to that big ole' machine
ya know its gonna tell you if your breasts are clean.
Your boobs get pressed and then you get dressed
You got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.


So I got in my car and drove to the place
Forty miles of a highway race
but my test was blocked cos the clinic was locked
I got that squished down, flattened out,
goin' to get the mammogram blues.



What's worse than having a mammogram?  Going all the way into Ann Arbor for one and not having it because the Dr's. office forgot to fax my requisition to the women's health center.  "Now, don't worry" said the perky voice on the other end of the phone when I called yesterday - "if you get to the health center and the requisition isn't there just have them call us and we will fax it right over."  So, trusting Pam the owner of the perky voice I made the 40 mile trip to my appointment.  Imagine my surprise when I got there and there was no requisition.  Of course, we called the Dr's office so they could fax it over and, guess what - they were closed.   The ironclad rule at the Women's Health Center is "No Requisition, No Mammogram."  So my trip was for nothing.

I have to say the whole incident made me extremely frustrated and angry.  In the past when I feel like this I get a self destructive urge to eat and eat. And eat some more.  I've been reading Geneen Roth's "Women, Food, and God" about accepting and feeling your emotions rather than numbing them with food.  Hence the flames.  Peaceful water just didn't do the trick in expressing how I felt.  I talked to my friend Julie on the telephone and she came up with the title of the little rhyme.  John and I did the rest and somehow, my anger has drained away.  I am calm peaceful and happy once more.  And I didn't eat my feelings.

By the way - feel free to send me additional verses or improve on mine.

WOW

I last posted on June 18 after I read an essay that says that fat does not thrive in an environment of happiness.  That realization began my investigation into the nature of happiness and ways to increase happiness.  I ran across the book "The Happiness Project" and I was inspired to begin my own happiness project.  One of the things I am working on first is my habit of complaining and judging.  Not easy.  But oh, so worthwhile, not only am I happier and more relaxed but I weighed myself this morning and I am down 8 pounds.