New Day

I KNOW that doing My Fitness Pal is the way to go for lasting weight loss, it's sensible and it works.  Really, my overall goal is to change my habits for good.  I'm not on it for a diet that will get me to my goal weight so I can go back to my old way of eating.  I'm on it to develop new habits that will last me the rest of my life.  The weight loss should just be a side benefit.  But I want to be thin.  I want to be able to go to regular stores and buy what I need without looking forever. I want to try on a smaller size and have it fit perfectly.  As I write this blog I realize that clothes don't work that way.  Look at "What Not toWear" Stacy and Clinton repeatedly tell people that they need to get their clothes tailored.  As I think about this I need to remind myself that the idyllic life that I kind of expect after weight loss is a fantasy. 

All of that first paragraph leads up to the topic today - weight loss.  Today was my weigh in day and I didn't lose any weight this week.  Why do I need the validation of the scale?  It doesn't show my hard work.  It doesn't show how much better I feel.  It doesn't show that I have gone from riding the stationary cycle for 20 minutes at level one to 40 minutes at level 4.  It doesn't show that I have gone from not being able to walk at all to walking a mile and a half in less than 30 minutes.  It doesn't show how just plain great I feel. 

Why do I need the validation of the scale?  Sometimes I have a little voice in my head that tells me "it's not okay to feel good about yourself unless you are thin."  The truth is - I'm not sure you can lose weight unless you feel good about yourself.  Unless you care enough about yourself to make the sacrifices necessary.  I feel good about me.  I commit to working on this journey for another day despite my disappointment with what the scale says.  The scale will not be my judge condemning me to a week of disappointment. 

Randomness

I have been using My Fitness Pal for the last month and I must say, it is very empowering and effective.  I don't know whether the effectiveness is because this time, when I started my weight loss journey I began last January and worked first on the emotional parts.  I have worked hard since last spring on being happy, reading the Happiness Project and choosing to be happy despite my circumstances.  Slowly I have begun to accept my mistakes and not beat myself up.  Slowly I have begun to take risks and not beat myself up when I fail.  Slowly I have developed an affection for myself; an ability to give myself a mental hug when I need it.  Slowly, I have learned what my strengths are, what my calling is, and what I want to do in life.  I think these things are what are empowering  my weight loss.  The MFP site gives me the tools to use, and the social support to succeed. 
   As each pound leaves I say a sort of mental and emotional goodbye.  Each little pound served a function.  It cushioned me against emotional pain, it provided a barrier when I didn't know how to say no, and it took the blame when I failed at something.  I could always say "I didn't get that job because I was fat" or "people don't like me because I'm fat," or "I'm not worth anything because I'm fat" or "I have to please people because I'm fat." I couldn't find my way out of my problems without berating myself and beating myself up, I ate and the act of eating numbed me to the pain. 
  So I have learned to be happy.  I have learned how to act happy even when I'm not, and that act of pretending to be happy makes be become happy.  Yesterday, on my way home from work my husband was telling me about some problems he was having at work and I got more and more defeated.  And more and more frustrated.  I came home and ate 2 cereal bowls of potato chips and 5 mini peanut butter cups.  Then I had an epiphany.  I told myself that I wasn't doing this anymore, I told my husband that the only thing I could do for him was love him, and love the people that are giving him the problems,  and we had to choose to be happy and spread that happiness to the people he works with.  I funnily enough, I became happy.  I felt the weight of the pressure to please people roll off my shoulders.  I stuck to my eating plan for the rest of the evening.

I feel so much lighter. 

The Scale

Today, as I sit  here after logging my breakfast I realize I want to step on the scale to see how I'm doing.  I don't want this.  I don't want the constant thoughts about "have I lost weight yet?" or "If I do this until Christmas I will have lost X number of pounds.  This obsession with losing weight.  I don't want the focus of my life to be food or eating and that is what it becomes when I try to lose weight.  How do you stop this type of thinking?  The desire to weigh myself is as powerful as the desire to eat the other half of the donut yesterday.  Believe me when I say, I felt such a huge sense of relief when I threw the donut in the trash.  I was free from it.  It was a huge weight off my shoulders. 

About the scale though.  What do I do?  How do I stop thinking about it?  How do I stop obsessing about my weight?  I want this journey to be about being healthy, developing a healthy lifestyle.  The weight loss should be just a bonus.

Random Thoughts and Weirdness

I read an essay last spring that said that fat can't thrive in an environment of happiness.  After I read it I began working on becoming proactive about being as happy as I can possibly be.  I got the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I started a Happiness Project group at the house once a week.  It's something to look forward to on Mondays.  I have to say I am happier now.  Happier with my circumstances, happier with myself.

As a result of the happiness I decided to begin working on my weight in a more structured way.  Last week I joined myfitnesspal.com and I am quite happy with the site.  It is easy to use and the people are great, best of all it is very positive and encouraging.  I lost my first pound this week.  As I think about the pound that is gone I felt something I never expected to feel.   Affection.  I know that  sounds weird. Affection? For Fat? Affection for myself?  But the thing is - that pound of fat has been with me for the last 15 years.  Maybe even longer.  It was part of me.  I think I mentioned last January that my nutritionist does not say 'lose weight' she refers to it as "releasing weight" and I think that's a good way to think about it.  I released that pound.  Hopefully, I will release many more.

Another thing that happened today is this.  I have to back up a bit first tho.  Recently I read the book "The end of overeating"  and in it the author talked about how the food industry makes food hyper-palatable by loading it with sugar, fat, and salt.  Today, I was offered a donut by the people in the office next door to me.  I caved and took one.  BUT I recorded it in my food log.  As I ate it I thought about how it was hyperpalatable, smooth, rich, sweet.  Exactly what the food industry engineered it to be.  That was enough to make me set it aside.  I thought 'I'll eat this later' but it kept calling me so I dumped it in the trash. A victory.  The thing is I hate getting manipulated and the food industry is manipulating people to eat more that they need.   I refuse to buy into it any more.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm sure I will eat a donut from time to time, I will just be more aware of how it is engineered, I understand that eating it would taste good and the mouth feel would be good but the food won't be satisfying because it is engineered to make me come back for more. 

Tomorrow I'm going shopping for real food.  So there you have it - some random thoughts and weirdness on a Friday evening.