Saturday, February 27, 2010
Focus - part 2: Refridgerator as a Metaphor for Life
My husband and I got the refridgerator cleaned out today. I can't tell you how many mostly used bottles and jars of salad dressing, salsa, bbq sauce, and vinegar we rinsed and recycled. There were also a number of storage containers of unrecognizable leftovers. We took everything out, washed the walls and shelves and put it all back and noticed that the shelves were mostly empty. In fact, it's so bright it's nearly blinding. It made me think. What if my life is like my refridgerator? What if I am packed to bursting with old, worn out, incorrect, half empty habits, ideas, and assumptions that I have gathered and saved throughout the course of my life. What kind of a spring cleaning do I need? I suppose this whole journey of weight loss and healthy eating is my way of getting rid of the old self destructive habits, of finding the path to health and wellbeing. It's something to think about.
Snack Time
In keeping with the theme of organizing my eating I'm planning some healthy snacks. My weakest time of the day is when I get home from work. Hungry or not I want to eat everything in sight. I think what I am going to do is plan one largeish awesome snack and have it waiting for me when I get home. I want it to be something good enough that I can look forward to it during the day, and large enough to make me comfortably full after I have eaten it. Here are some of my favorite snacks:
Pumpkin pie custard topped with vanilla yogurt whips. I basically take my grandma's pumpkin pie recipe and bake it without the crust. (recipe below)
Fresh raspberries on vanilla yogurt whip (yum, raspberries are the best)
Fresh strawberries on vanilla yogurt whip
Oatmeal topped apple crisp (like a pie without the crust calories) topped with, of course, Yoplait vanilla yogurt whip.
I can see you have detected the pattern here, but let me just say this about vanilla flavored yogurt whips - they are sooooo tasty - practically as good as whipped cream only better for you. More calories, true, BUT they contain protein, dairy, etc. for me, a guilt free pleasure.
Look at that--practically a work week full of guilt free snacks.
First get out a 4 cup measuring pitcher and put into it:
3/4 C sugar (you can cut it back to 1/2 if you want)
1 1/2 C Canned pumpkin puree
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
pinch salt
Pour skim milk in until it reaches the 4 cup mark
Mix up. Pour into a greased dish and bake for 10 min at 450 then at 30 min at 350 but keep checking it every 10 minutes or so after the 30 until it is set and firm. It is done when a knife inserted toward the center comes out clean.
Note: I cook this in a small casserole dish rather than a pie plate. The cooking time will vary depending on how deep the custard comes in the pan.
Note 2: sometimes custards like this are cooked by placing the casserole dish in the middle of a pan of steaming water. I don't know how this would impact the cooking time as I don't do it.
Note 3: for best results use 1 can evaporated skim milk and add regular milk to 4 cup line if necessary. Makes a much richer custard but may have more calories than regular skim milk
Pumpkin pie custard topped with vanilla yogurt whips. I basically take my grandma's pumpkin pie recipe and bake it without the crust. (recipe below)
Fresh raspberries on vanilla yogurt whip (yum, raspberries are the best)
Fresh strawberries on vanilla yogurt whip
Oatmeal topped apple crisp (like a pie without the crust calories) topped with, of course, Yoplait vanilla yogurt whip.
I can see you have detected the pattern here, but let me just say this about vanilla flavored yogurt whips - they are sooooo tasty - practically as good as whipped cream only better for you. More calories, true, BUT they contain protein, dairy, etc. for me, a guilt free pleasure.
Look at that--practically a work week full of guilt free snacks.
Grandma Hattie's Pumpkin Pie Filling:
Best guess calories for a 1/2 C serving 128
If made with evaporated skim milk calories are closer to 150 per serving
First get out a 4 cup measuring pitcher and put into it:
3/4 C sugar (you can cut it back to 1/2 if you want)
1 1/2 C Canned pumpkin puree
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
pinch salt
Pour skim milk in until it reaches the 4 cup mark
Mix up. Pour into a greased dish and bake for 10 min at 450 then at 30 min at 350 but keep checking it every 10 minutes or so after the 30 until it is set and firm. It is done when a knife inserted toward the center comes out clean.
Note: I cook this in a small casserole dish rather than a pie plate. The cooking time will vary depending on how deep the custard comes in the pan.
Note 2: sometimes custards like this are cooked by placing the casserole dish in the middle of a pan of steaming water. I don't know how this would impact the cooking time as I don't do it.
Note 3: for best results use 1 can evaporated skim milk and add regular milk to 4 cup line if necessary. Makes a much richer custard but may have more calories than regular skim milk
Friday, February 26, 2010
Focus
I am totally amazed at how my general lack of focus impacts my weight. Actually this problem affects most areas of my life. My house isn't clean, there are piles of stuff everywhere, my email inbox is full of emails that could be moved other files. My refridgerator looks like a hurricane swept through a week ago. My cupboards have boxes of cereal and crackers that have less than a handful of food in them, my pantry has some canned fruits and vegetables that date back to the last century. My exercise and eating plans are good but I have no implementation plan. Clearly something needs to be done and this snow filled weekend will provide the time to do it. Best place to start -- the refrigerator
So tomorrow here is the plan: initiate a major purge - getting rid of:
Food we don't like, food with things growing on it, anything that I can't tell what it is supposed to be, wash the walls and shelves, put the good stuff back then admire the back of the refrigerator which hasn't been seen since Christmas.
Clean the pantry - this will probably take the rest of the day.
Create an eating plan and stick it to the front of the fridge so I can make a grocery list.
Make a check off chart for my exercise and post in the downstairs powder room.
Collapse in a heap from all the work. Wonder if all that work counts as moderate exercise.
On another note: Tonight is the fish fry (shrimp, yum) with our friends Julie and Phil. Can't wait.
So tomorrow here is the plan: initiate a major purge - getting rid of:
Food we don't like, food with things growing on it, anything that I can't tell what it is supposed to be, wash the walls and shelves, put the good stuff back then admire the back of the refrigerator which hasn't been seen since Christmas.
Clean the pantry - this will probably take the rest of the day.
Create an eating plan and stick it to the front of the fridge so I can make a grocery list.
Make a check off chart for my exercise and post in the downstairs powder room.
Collapse in a heap from all the work. Wonder if all that work counts as moderate exercise.
On another note: Tonight is the fish fry (shrimp, yum) with our friends Julie and Phil. Can't wait.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Fatigue
I am a morning person. I am usually asleep by 10:15 every night and up by 5:45 in the morning. I absolutely need at least 8 hours of sleep to function. The other night I decided to stay up until midnight and watch the Olympic Ice Dancing finals. The next morning I dragged myself out of bed and struggled all day. During the morning and afternoon (while I was at work) I stayed on my eating plan and was quite happy with myself. All that changed once I got home. I came home and ate a cup and a half of cheez-its followed by a handful of cookies. As binges go I suppose it wasn't the worst, I ate the cheeze-its slowly and savored them. But it wasn't what I wanted to do which made me start thinking about what caused me to throw all my hard work and planning out the window. The more I thought about it the more I came to realize that fatigue played a huge role in the meltdown.
No doubt about it; I was tired the next day. Not only did I get several hours less sleep than normal, I had a day where I was doing demanding, detail oriented work. Add to that a half hour commute home and you have a recipe for dieting disaster.
When I get tired I don't make good decisions. I lose my temper, I eat too much, I drive carelessly, I make mistakes, I don't pay attention to people. This time, I threw caution to the wind and binged on cheez-its and cookies. It doesn't matter the size of the binge -- what matters is that I choose to make decisions that are not in my best interests. Almost always, those choices leads to episodes that cause anger, remorse, and guilt. So how do I change this? What do I learn from it?
I guess I have to realize that I need to be more proactive in taking care of myself. I need to plan for the times when I know I'm going to be tired and liable to slip up. If I had left a yogurt and fresh fruit parfait in the refridgerator for when I came home I wouldn't have wanted the crackers and cookies. Note to myself: leave a snack made up in the refrigertator, and my workout clothes sitting out. Most of all I need to be able to cut myself some slack - I am losing weight slowly, and sticking (mostly) to my plan. Each day I'm learning something new so, all in all, despite everything I am making progress.
No doubt about it; I was tired the next day. Not only did I get several hours less sleep than normal, I had a day where I was doing demanding, detail oriented work. Add to that a half hour commute home and you have a recipe for dieting disaster.
When I get tired I don't make good decisions. I lose my temper, I eat too much, I drive carelessly, I make mistakes, I don't pay attention to people. This time, I threw caution to the wind and binged on cheez-its and cookies. It doesn't matter the size of the binge -- what matters is that I choose to make decisions that are not in my best interests. Almost always, those choices leads to episodes that cause anger, remorse, and guilt. So how do I change this? What do I learn from it?
I guess I have to realize that I need to be more proactive in taking care of myself. I need to plan for the times when I know I'm going to be tired and liable to slip up. If I had left a yogurt and fresh fruit parfait in the refridgerator for when I came home I wouldn't have wanted the crackers and cookies. Note to myself: leave a snack made up in the refrigertator, and my workout clothes sitting out. Most of all I need to be able to cut myself some slack - I am losing weight slowly, and sticking (mostly) to my plan. Each day I'm learning something new so, all in all, despite everything I am making progress.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I Have this Hunger
I have been thinking about my staying on my eating plan for the rest of the day I slowly came to realize something. I have this hunger in me. Ever since I made the decision to stay on my plan for the rest of the day I have been craving potato chips and chocolate. But as I tell myself "no" to the junk food another "hunger" has been surfacing in my mind and heart. It's hard to describe this hunger, it is so deeply ingrained in me that I can not remember a time when the hunger wasn't there. At its most basic it is a hunger for power; not the kind of power that hungers for dominion over other people; rather, this hunger is for personal power. Its the kind of power that is a quiet confidence in myself. The kind of power that enables me to make the very best choices for myself. Its the confidence to realize that the decisions I make are the right ones for me. It is the kind of power that allows me to hear hurtful comments and not take them to heart. It is the kind of power that allows others to have their own opinion. It is, quite simply, confidence in myself and my decisions.
It's the confidence that enables me to say no to cookies, or potato chips, or chocolate simply because they are not what I want in my life right now. Not because I "supposed" to say no to them but because I want to. It is ironic to realize that by eating cookies, or chips, or too much chocolate I was denying myself the power and confidence that I crave so deeply. The behaviors that I used to fill an empty space within me were, in fact the very ones that prevented me from filling that void.
All my life I have tried to lose weight because it was what I was "supposed" to do. Not because I would feel better, not because I would be more healthy, not because I would feel more comfortable, not because I would gain strength and self confidence by developing healthy eating skills, all my life the only reason to lose weight was because it didn't matter how smart, kind, or talented someone was - the only thing that mattered was how thin someone was. The reasons that I needed to lose weight were public image reasons.
For me today - healthy eating is no longer about doing what I am supposed to do. Healthy eating is about becoming stronger, it's about being able to say no to myself and others, it's about drawing boundaries, its about becoming the best person I can be. It's about putting myself "out there" being genuine and real. It's not about looking good (although that would be an excellent side effect.)
I think that each time I draw a boundary, each time I say no to doing something that goes against my best interests I will become stronger and I will begin to fill that void and become more of the person I was created to be.
It's the confidence that enables me to say no to cookies, or potato chips, or chocolate simply because they are not what I want in my life right now. Not because I "supposed" to say no to them but because I want to. It is ironic to realize that by eating cookies, or chips, or too much chocolate I was denying myself the power and confidence that I crave so deeply. The behaviors that I used to fill an empty space within me were, in fact the very ones that prevented me from filling that void.
All my life I have tried to lose weight because it was what I was "supposed" to do. Not because I would feel better, not because I would be more healthy, not because I would feel more comfortable, not because I would gain strength and self confidence by developing healthy eating skills, all my life the only reason to lose weight was because it didn't matter how smart, kind, or talented someone was - the only thing that mattered was how thin someone was. The reasons that I needed to lose weight were public image reasons.
For me today - healthy eating is no longer about doing what I am supposed to do. Healthy eating is about becoming stronger, it's about being able to say no to myself and others, it's about drawing boundaries, its about becoming the best person I can be. It's about putting myself "out there" being genuine and real. It's not about looking good (although that would be an excellent side effect.)
I think that each time I draw a boundary, each time I say no to doing something that goes against my best interests I will become stronger and I will begin to fill that void and become more of the person I was created to be.
Sunday Morning Meltdown
It's not even noon yet and I can't tell you how many Hershey's Kisses I have had already today. I hate to say it but I'm eating them by the handful. I tell myself to stop but clearly I am not listening. It is very strange this conscious silencing of my real voice. I know what is good for me, I know that chocolate (especially in these quantities) is bad for me and my eating plan yet I consciously go ahead and eat it. It's almost as if I am punishing myself, I am withholding what I want most in order to hurt myself. Hummm, there's an honest statement (and one that bears exploring)
"I am withholding what I want the most" What I want the most is to have a healthy relationship with food, I want to stick to my plan, I want to feel good about myself and my eating, I want to become strong and powerful. I want to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. And even this early in the day - my eating has not gone according to plan. I am consciously changing that right now. For the rest of the day I eat according to plan, I exercise, and I write my Advent blog. But, in the meantime I still need to decode what my behavior this morning is telling me so that I can recognize it and change it the next time.
As I stop and reflect on the morning, I think my behavior is driven by a combination of anger, guilt, and defensiveness all mixed up together. I feel extremely guilty about not going to church this morning, I feel guilty for not going to the community Lenten program this afternoon, I feel anger that my husband has to go to all of these things AND that so much time on the weekends is taken up with church things. So I feel like I've let God down, let the church down, and let my husband down. Clearly, I need to let go of these expectations and resentments. I suppose I have taken the first step here by recognizing and recording them.
"I am withholding what I want the most" What I want the most is to have a healthy relationship with food, I want to stick to my plan, I want to feel good about myself and my eating, I want to become strong and powerful. I want to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. And even this early in the day - my eating has not gone according to plan. I am consciously changing that right now. For the rest of the day I eat according to plan, I exercise, and I write my Advent blog. But, in the meantime I still need to decode what my behavior this morning is telling me so that I can recognize it and change it the next time.
As I stop and reflect on the morning, I think my behavior is driven by a combination of anger, guilt, and defensiveness all mixed up together. I feel extremely guilty about not going to church this morning, I feel guilty for not going to the community Lenten program this afternoon, I feel anger that my husband has to go to all of these things AND that so much time on the weekends is taken up with church things. So I feel like I've let God down, let the church down, and let my husband down. Clearly, I need to let go of these expectations and resentments. I suppose I have taken the first step here by recognizing and recording them.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Who knew?
I feel totally at loose ends. I look around the family room and there are a million things that I can do. I don't know where to start. I suppose the best place to go through the living room and a) pick up all the trash, and b) put away all the things that need to be put away and finally, dust and vacuum the room. This is do-able. I find it strange that I'm overwhelmed by what I see. I tend to see an impossible mess and I have no plan to deal with it so I ignore it. Since those options are out of the question as I am not hiding in books, playing on the computer, or watching tv, I have to start somewhere so this is it.
On another matter entirely, I rode the stationary cycle for 20 minutes, I feel good, and I'm looking forward to doing one of the workouts on Comcast "On Demand."
On another matter entirely, I rode the stationary cycle for 20 minutes, I feel good, and I'm looking forward to doing one of the workouts on Comcast "On Demand."
Lent
Lent begins today. I've been thnking about what I am going to do for Lent. I think that between the end of breakfast andthe beginning of dinner I am going to fast from purposeless pursuits. This includes playing games on the computer, reading fiction, or watching TV. I'm also giving up soft drinks at work. This will be a very effective discipline for me. First, it will give me time to focus on my spiritual life, working on my Advent blog - (looking for Jesus in the everyday life, never mind that it's Lent.) It will give me time to write this blog. Also, it will give me time to work on my book, it will make me stronger as I eliminate the junk in my life. It will show me many of the ways that I rely on "things" rather than Jesus, and that's something that I really need. I'm looking forward to the adventure.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Pitty Party
I just got home from a terribly bad day at work. Let me just say that I loathe making mistakes. I hate apologizing, and what I REALLY hate is making mistakes on top of mistakes - i.e. send a faculty member their "revised, final proposal budget and then finding ANOTHER mistake. AAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK. Now, I have to email him with the dreaded words that no one wants to say or hear - there is one last revision on the budget....sigh. I am feeling very sorry for myself - (I'm sorry for him too but I'm more sorry for me.)
On top of that my boss and co worker and I were talking about diets and health - and I said that my nutritionist put me on more calories than I had been having as I wasn't eating enough to lose weight. I could hear my supervisor's thoughts - you ARE EATING TOO MUCH to lose weight. I mean I could be projecting those thoughts on to him but I could hear the disbelief in his voice. I will have to lose enough for it to show before he would believe me. Hopefully that will happen as I'm still trying to stick with the plan. I truly believe that I will lose weight as I am eating around 1,200 - 1,350 calories per day and I am increasing my exercise. But still, the pounds aren't going fast and I really don't want them to because I really want to lose this weight permanently. I'm in it this time to change my habits; and that's a long term project.
With that said - I also have to say that what I discovered yesterday has had a huge impact on my life already. Today, I was driving home and feeling terrible, but wonder of wonders for once I didn't crave chocolate. I am "owning" and consciously feeling the bad feelings and I'm not eating chocolate to make me focus on something other than my mistakes. That is a HUGE difference in my life. Also, since I am admitting these feelings and feeling them I have the urge to go downstairs and workout. I think I may be starting to deal with them in a different way which is extremely exciting.
On top of that my boss and co worker and I were talking about diets and health - and I said that my nutritionist put me on more calories than I had been having as I wasn't eating enough to lose weight. I could hear my supervisor's thoughts - you ARE EATING TOO MUCH to lose weight. I mean I could be projecting those thoughts on to him but I could hear the disbelief in his voice. I will have to lose enough for it to show before he would believe me. Hopefully that will happen as I'm still trying to stick with the plan. I truly believe that I will lose weight as I am eating around 1,200 - 1,350 calories per day and I am increasing my exercise. But still, the pounds aren't going fast and I really don't want them to because I really want to lose this weight permanently. I'm in it this time to change my habits; and that's a long term project.
With that said - I also have to say that what I discovered yesterday has had a huge impact on my life already. Today, I was driving home and feeling terrible, but wonder of wonders for once I didn't crave chocolate. I am "owning" and consciously feeling the bad feelings and I'm not eating chocolate to make me focus on something other than my mistakes. That is a HUGE difference in my life. Also, since I am admitting these feelings and feeling them I have the urge to go downstairs and workout. I think I may be starting to deal with them in a different way which is extremely exciting.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday
Every once in a while you get a day like today - a day where nothing goes right. A day where you said something so totally idiotic that you wonder if you took a stupid pill when you got up in the morning. A day where you managed to annoy every person you came in contact with. Today is that day for me. Ugh, its a day that I just want wipe off the calendar and forget. You would think that the laws of time and space would prevent wiping out a day but you would be wrong. The sure-fire, no fail, way to wipe out the day is summed up in 2 simple words: Eat chocolate.
See, what happens is that you come home upset and you begin to look for a way to silence the critical internal voice that is constantly jeering at you about your mistakes. "Chocolate would be so soothing," you think. "You will feel better if you eat something" you tell yourself. "Just go to the cupboard and eat a little bit of the chocolate heart you got for valentines day" the little voice whispers in my ear "you don't have to eat it all', and "you really need it" or "you'll feel better if you eat it" the insidious messages whisper repeatedly through my mind. At its worst the voice is relentless and the physical craving escalates until is so strong that it silences everything else. The only thing I can think about is having chocolate; the taste, the texture, the fragrance. Ack! I wrench my thoughts away from the chocolate. "Lies" I tell myself, it's all lies. But that is not exactly the truth.
Here is how it works. You give in to the voice and eat the chocolate - even if you don't want it-- because, face it, the voice is so strong and so relentless, and you feel so badly about yourself that you finally cave in to the temptation. You indulge in a momentary flash of pleasure as you savor the intoxicating taste and texture of the chocolate. When all of the chocolate is gone (and I do mean all) the guilt sets in and you spend the rest of the night feeling angry at yourself for not staying on your eating plan. Instead of facing all of the day's failures you focus 100% of your attention and guilt on the chocolate mini binge. Congratulations. You have successfully wiped the day out of your mind. You tell yourself "I'll do better on my eating plan tomorrow" and you intend to do that very thing only you never do, because tomorrow brings its own problems.
I'm writing this because I am having one of those days today, and I so WANT that chocolate. But, instead I write and by writing I realize this truth--eating the chocolate won't make me feel better - it will just make me feel bad in a different way. I realize that up until now I would rather feel bad by eating than bad by remembering the day. I hate feeling so stupid and knowing that I looked foolish. It seems like the worst feeling in the world. But, each time I face the truth of the day, I learn that I'm fine just the way I am; that a little humiliation won't kill me, I won't die of embarrassment either, I think I have become a little bit stronger. And stronger is a very good thing.
See, what happens is that you come home upset and you begin to look for a way to silence the critical internal voice that is constantly jeering at you about your mistakes. "Chocolate would be so soothing," you think. "You will feel better if you eat something" you tell yourself. "Just go to the cupboard and eat a little bit of the chocolate heart you got for valentines day" the little voice whispers in my ear "you don't have to eat it all', and "you really need it" or "you'll feel better if you eat it" the insidious messages whisper repeatedly through my mind. At its worst the voice is relentless and the physical craving escalates until is so strong that it silences everything else. The only thing I can think about is having chocolate; the taste, the texture, the fragrance. Ack! I wrench my thoughts away from the chocolate. "Lies" I tell myself, it's all lies. But that is not exactly the truth.
Here is how it works. You give in to the voice and eat the chocolate - even if you don't want it-- because, face it, the voice is so strong and so relentless, and you feel so badly about yourself that you finally cave in to the temptation. You indulge in a momentary flash of pleasure as you savor the intoxicating taste and texture of the chocolate. When all of the chocolate is gone (and I do mean all) the guilt sets in and you spend the rest of the night feeling angry at yourself for not staying on your eating plan. Instead of facing all of the day's failures you focus 100% of your attention and guilt on the chocolate mini binge. Congratulations. You have successfully wiped the day out of your mind. You tell yourself "I'll do better on my eating plan tomorrow" and you intend to do that very thing only you never do, because tomorrow brings its own problems.
I'm writing this because I am having one of those days today, and I so WANT that chocolate. But, instead I write and by writing I realize this truth--eating the chocolate won't make me feel better - it will just make me feel bad in a different way. I realize that up until now I would rather feel bad by eating than bad by remembering the day. I hate feeling so stupid and knowing that I looked foolish. It seems like the worst feeling in the world. But, each time I face the truth of the day, I learn that I'm fine just the way I am; that a little humiliation won't kill me, I won't die of embarrassment either, I think I have become a little bit stronger. And stronger is a very good thing.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Goals
Ever since I first realized that perhaps I overeat because of the lack of structure in my life I have been thinking about what I want and how to go about getting it. Here are some of the things I want - the things that aren't related to my weight, size, or how I look.
1. I want to publish my book. Okay, my goal used to be I wanted to write a book - but I like my story and believe it has a lot of potential so I want to work it into saleable shape. This means I have to:
a. re-read the whole thing.
b. formalize the theme
c. formalize the characters
d. determine the plot structure
e. plan and revise each scene
g. give to my daughter and a few trusted friends to read and provide feedback to me
2. I want to deepen my spiritual life - so Lent is coming up and I think I will resurrect the Advent Project and keep looking for Jesus and blogging about it during Lent.
3. I want my house to be pretty and most importantly, comfortable and welcoming. First and foremost, I want my family room to remind me of vacations in Florida. I'm nearly there with the decor but I still need to get or make new curtains. I want blue and white ones, either blue and white stripes, checks, or floral. I want to put a lime green lamp on a white (or yellow) table in front of them and put green and yellow pillows on white chairs in front of the curtains.
4. I want to go through my closets and dressers and get rid of all the clothes that I don't love. My new rule for clothes is that they have to fit well, look good and I have to love how I look in them.
5. I want to make a home office in the little breakfast area between the family room and kitchen. The table is the desk, I am getting a desktop hanging file system, and I put my old desktop tower there so my laptop will be my personal "fun" computer.
Those are my goals for the next few weeks hopefully they will be done by Easter. Except the book. I want to do the March month of editing with NANOWRIMO (if it is March, I think it is.) I want the book ready to go by Memorial Day. Then I will think about looking for an agent.
1. I want to publish my book. Okay, my goal used to be I wanted to write a book - but I like my story and believe it has a lot of potential so I want to work it into saleable shape. This means I have to:
a. re-read the whole thing.
b. formalize the theme
c. formalize the characters
d. determine the plot structure
e. plan and revise each scene
g. give to my daughter and a few trusted friends to read and provide feedback to me
2. I want to deepen my spiritual life - so Lent is coming up and I think I will resurrect the Advent Project and keep looking for Jesus and blogging about it during Lent.
3. I want my house to be pretty and most importantly, comfortable and welcoming. First and foremost, I want my family room to remind me of vacations in Florida. I'm nearly there with the decor but I still need to get or make new curtains. I want blue and white ones, either blue and white stripes, checks, or floral. I want to put a lime green lamp on a white (or yellow) table in front of them and put green and yellow pillows on white chairs in front of the curtains.
4. I want to go through my closets and dressers and get rid of all the clothes that I don't love. My new rule for clothes is that they have to fit well, look good and I have to love how I look in them.
5. I want to make a home office in the little breakfast area between the family room and kitchen. The table is the desk, I am getting a desktop hanging file system, and I put my old desktop tower there so my laptop will be my personal "fun" computer.
Those are my goals for the next few weeks hopefully they will be done by Easter. Except the book. I want to do the March month of editing with NANOWRIMO (if it is March, I think it is.) I want the book ready to go by Memorial Day. Then I will think about looking for an agent.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Random Thoughts
I signed up for the core training class mostly because it said it improved flexibility and targeted your abs, back, thighs etc. also you use weights, and I'm supposed to do that. So, now I need to buy a yoga mat and I have no excuse for not getting some exercise clothing. I'm very excited.
I'm going to try one of the mini exercise classes on Comcast "on demand" tonight. Tonight is my alone night which I plan to enjoy by doing the workout then watching an "on demand" tv show.
I am noticing that as I focus on the areas of the healthy eating program where I am successful I am able to stay on the program instead of giving up. I guess I am doing it the right way this time.
I'm doing so much better since I started taking the antidepressant. It's funny, they don't alter my mood, rather they put me in a place where I can work to improve my mood. I feel like myself again and it's a huge relief. I kind of felt like I lost part of myself a long time ago (sadly, around the time John went into the ministry.)
Anyway, I'm feeling good and we're having roast chicken for dinner and you know what that means - a cold chicken sandwich for lunch tomorrow - yummy.
I'm going to try one of the mini exercise classes on Comcast "on demand" tonight. Tonight is my alone night which I plan to enjoy by doing the workout then watching an "on demand" tv show.
I am noticing that as I focus on the areas of the healthy eating program where I am successful I am able to stay on the program instead of giving up. I guess I am doing it the right way this time.
I'm doing so much better since I started taking the antidepressant. It's funny, they don't alter my mood, rather they put me in a place where I can work to improve my mood. I feel like myself again and it's a huge relief. I kind of felt like I lost part of myself a long time ago (sadly, around the time John went into the ministry.)
Anyway, I'm feeling good and we're having roast chicken for dinner and you know what that means - a cold chicken sandwich for lunch tomorrow - yummy.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Classes?
Tonight when I was sorting a pile of mail I ran across a flyer for the local Community Education Classes. As I was leafing through it I noticed some fitness and weight loss classes. Here are the ones I am interested in:
Ballroom Dancing - John and I have wanted to take this for a long time. We are thinking seriously about it.
Ultimate Body Makeover - strength training... it promises to turn "abs of flab into a chiseled torso, lift and reshape the gluts (is it glutes or guts they are referring to?), tone legs, hips, and thighs..."
Abs, Gluts (dictionary.com: to fill to satiety...) and Thighs Blaster... this one is pretty self explanatory.
Total Body Conditioning with Core Training - for beginners or experienced exercisers build muscle strength, increase flexibility, balance, and endurance...
What will it be? It probably depends on if any of the classes still have open spots to fill...anyway I'm looking forward to one of them at least. Stay tuned for an update sometime tomorrow.
Ballroom Dancing - John and I have wanted to take this for a long time. We are thinking seriously about it.
Ultimate Body Makeover - strength training... it promises to turn "abs of flab into a chiseled torso, lift and reshape the gluts (is it glutes or guts they are referring to?), tone legs, hips, and thighs..."
Abs, Gluts (dictionary.com: to fill to satiety...) and Thighs Blaster... this one is pretty self explanatory.
Total Body Conditioning with Core Training - for beginners or experienced exercisers build muscle strength, increase flexibility, balance, and endurance...
What will it be? It probably depends on if any of the classes still have open spots to fill...anyway I'm looking forward to one of them at least. Stay tuned for an update sometime tomorrow.
Snacks
I have been thinking about healthy snacks and wanted to post my favorite healthy snacks and hope that whoever else reads this posts their go to healthy snacks.
Here they are in no particular order.
Bite size carrots.
2 Hard boiled egg whites and 1/2 hard boiled yolk
fruit and yogurt w/1 tlb grape nuts
cereal and milk with 1/2 banana
stir fried vegetables (add chicken for a tasty cold lunch)
2 oz baked chicken
apples with peanut butter
glass of chocolate milk
cup of hot chocolate
baked apple (I confess I haven't had this recently but it sounds yummy)
1 oz meunster cheese and 4 triscut crackers
Here they are in no particular order.
Bite size carrots.
2 Hard boiled egg whites and 1/2 hard boiled yolk
fruit and yogurt w/1 tlb grape nuts
cereal and milk with 1/2 banana
stir fried vegetables (add chicken for a tasty cold lunch)
2 oz baked chicken
apples with peanut butter
glass of chocolate milk
cup of hot chocolate
baked apple (I confess I haven't had this recently but it sounds yummy)
1 oz meunster cheese and 4 triscut crackers
Monday, February 8, 2010
I find it very interesting that when I came home from work today I didn't eat everything in sight (and this after a day when I didn't have a chance to get lunch..) Instead, I had a small snack and changed into my jeans then went to work in the livingroom. I cleared all of the surfaces and moved everything that didn't belong there out. Of course the dining area doesn't look so good now as that is where I put everything that I took out of the livingroom. I plan to plug in the shredder and as I sort everything into stacks to be filed I will shred all of the things that need to be shredded. I expect the dining room to be done in very short order, then on to the kitchen. Oh, and I did the same thing in the family room (cleared all of the surfaces and put things away) so that room looks pretty good too. I feel much happier. The rooms aren't perfect (and I know they never will be) but they are good enough. In fact they look so much better than they did. I have a big feeling of personal satisfaction and I feel so much lighter having the rooms clean. I never expected that to happen. I never expected to feel lighter because the house looked clean. I never realized how closely these 2 things are tied together. Perhaps everything in my experience is filtered through the lens of perfectionism.
Monday: An Interesting Development
Today when I put on the slacks I planned to wear to work I discovered that I could pull them off and on without undoing the button or zipper. They were always a tad on the largish side but I could never pull them off or on like this before. The plan is working!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Security
I was surprised by the last sentence of my previous blog. "It is time to let go of the security of snacking." I have no idea where that came from - it never ever occurred to me that snacking was a security issue for me. Obviously it is though because when I think of giving it up I feel an anxiety that borders on panic. What will I do instead? I'm stalled by indecision. I sit and there are a million things I could do but for some reason I don't want to do them. I can clean the house, I like the feeling of having a clean house, but while I am cleaning I have a string of negative thinking going on in my head. Instead of celebrating that my house looks nice I look for every little imperfection. The job is never good enough, the house is never clean enough. I feel helpless and disgusted with myself.
Okay, that's enough of the self pity. But as I write this I believe it is totally true. I can clean a room and find a hundred more things wrong with it. Intellectually, I know that there is no way to get the room perfectly clean. There is no way to get anything perfect no matter how hard someone tries because perfection does not exist. What I need to do is to stop holding myself to the perfection standard because when I think in perfectionistic terms I retreat to a snacking. It's not surprising that I do either because here is an example of my thinking: Once I start cleaning I need to completely finish it. If I get all the surfaces clean, them the floors need to be swept and mopped, after that the windows need to be washed, and after that the stove and oven need to be cleaned, oh, and don't forget the refridgerator, and after that the drawers need to be cleaned out, and after all of the bathrooms, and bedrooms are clean, then the garage needs to be cleaned, then the basement needs to be cleaned. And it all needs to be perfect every single day because if it isn't it proves that I am a slob.
With a thinking process like this it is no wonder I interrupt that type of thinking with food. Its no wonder I never want to start a project because there is no way I can finish it. This type of all or nothing thinking needs to end because it forces me to numb myself with reading a book and snacking just to shut out the endless string of self criticism. Because of the self criticism I never start the projects, I simply retreat into the comfort of reading a book and eating. It is incredibly stress producing think that I am powerless to do a job well.
So first, I need to consider what kind of standards I want to set? How do I define clean, how do I define when a job is finished? I'm going to try to set small, manageable goals to accomplish every day. I need to tell myself a hundred times a day that perfection does not exist. The whole job will never be done and not just because I am perfectionistic, but also because I don't live in a vaccuum. I live in a house with 2 other people, And we live here, we cook meals, we watch tv, we sort the mail, we forget to hang up our coats, we have a dog and a cat. It's the nature of life, the cycle of living as it were, we are always having to balance our time and responsibilities.
It will be interesting to see what the next few weeks hold. Right now, I think I just want to make sure the surfaces are mostly clear and the floors are swept, and the dishes are in the dishwasher on a daily basis. That doesn't seem too much to me. It's a good place to start. Any thoughts?
Okay, that's enough of the self pity. But as I write this I believe it is totally true. I can clean a room and find a hundred more things wrong with it. Intellectually, I know that there is no way to get the room perfectly clean. There is no way to get anything perfect no matter how hard someone tries because perfection does not exist. What I need to do is to stop holding myself to the perfection standard because when I think in perfectionistic terms I retreat to a snacking. It's not surprising that I do either because here is an example of my thinking: Once I start cleaning I need to completely finish it. If I get all the surfaces clean, them the floors need to be swept and mopped, after that the windows need to be washed, and after that the stove and oven need to be cleaned, oh, and don't forget the refridgerator, and after that the drawers need to be cleaned out, and after all of the bathrooms, and bedrooms are clean, then the garage needs to be cleaned, then the basement needs to be cleaned. And it all needs to be perfect every single day because if it isn't it proves that I am a slob.
With a thinking process like this it is no wonder I interrupt that type of thinking with food. Its no wonder I never want to start a project because there is no way I can finish it. This type of all or nothing thinking needs to end because it forces me to numb myself with reading a book and snacking just to shut out the endless string of self criticism. Because of the self criticism I never start the projects, I simply retreat into the comfort of reading a book and eating. It is incredibly stress producing think that I am powerless to do a job well.
So first, I need to consider what kind of standards I want to set? How do I define clean, how do I define when a job is finished? I'm going to try to set small, manageable goals to accomplish every day. I need to tell myself a hundred times a day that perfection does not exist. The whole job will never be done and not just because I am perfectionistic, but also because I don't live in a vaccuum. I live in a house with 2 other people, And we live here, we cook meals, we watch tv, we sort the mail, we forget to hang up our coats, we have a dog and a cat. It's the nature of life, the cycle of living as it were, we are always having to balance our time and responsibilities.
It will be interesting to see what the next few weeks hold. Right now, I think I just want to make sure the surfaces are mostly clear and the floors are swept, and the dishes are in the dishwasher on a daily basis. That doesn't seem too much to me. It's a good place to start. Any thoughts?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Structure
Today I have been thinking about how easy it is to overeat when I get home from work or when I'm alone here in the house. I notice when I am overeating I often feel paralyzed. Not so much emotionally paralyzed but rather I'm overwhelmed with choices. Eating is immediate, soothing, relaxing, and something to do. I eat to manage the swirling chaos of choices facing me. For instance, I can clean the house but where do I start - the whole house needs work. I can paint, I can read a book (I have 3 waiting to start.) I can work on writing my book, I can call my friend, Julie, I can ride the stationary cycle, I can take a hot bath, you get the picture.When I leave work I leave behind 6 straight hours of concentrated mental activity. In a twisted sort of logic I tell myself that now that I'm out of work I don't have to do anything. This is not an effective way to live my life - not if I want to be creative, strong, and happy.
Over the next few weeks I'm going to build some structure into my home life. I think I will try setting up a schedule to do the things I want to do. I want to lift weights, I want to be flexible, I want to strengthen my knee, I want to train enough to be able to ride in the pedal across lower Michigan ride next year. I want to write and publish my novel, I want to do so much more than what I have been doing up to this point; but it will never happen if I sit and snack away the afternoon. It's time to let go of the security of snacking and start living and this looks to be another step in the right direction. (Whoa, where did the security comment come from - something to think about.)
Over the next few weeks I'm going to build some structure into my home life. I think I will try setting up a schedule to do the things I want to do. I want to lift weights, I want to be flexible, I want to strengthen my knee, I want to train enough to be able to ride in the pedal across lower Michigan ride next year. I want to write and publish my novel, I want to do so much more than what I have been doing up to this point; but it will never happen if I sit and snack away the afternoon. It's time to let go of the security of snacking and start living and this looks to be another step in the right direction. (Whoa, where did the security comment come from - something to think about.)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
After Work
It's 3 p.m. and I just got home from work. I don't know about you but when I walk through the front door I am ravenously hungry. If it is not nailed down I will eat it. Even if I just had lunch I am hungry when I get home. Today, I realized that it is real hunger. I have been eating yogurt and fruit as an afternoon snack on a semi regular basis but I would usually have it at work. Today, I planned to have it after I got home. I walked through the door and my first thought was to get out some crackers or some chocolate and I was already trying not to feel guilty about the chocolate. Today I took a step back from my craving and thought for a minute. That short time-out made me realize that what I was feeling was real, stomach hunger. In the next minute I remembered that I had a snack set aside for the afternoon. In the past I have eaten a breakfast of a bowl of cereal or an egg and toast. Then at work I would have a cup of dry cheerios, then I would come home and eat everything in sight Not surprising, right?
Today is different. Today, after I realized I was hungry I fixed my snack - a cup of fresh strawberries with a small container of vanilla yogurt on top and I sprinkled the whole thing with a tablespoon of grape nuts. Let me tell you - there isn't anything much better than good fresh strawberries and vanilla yogurt. My stomach is comfortably full. I could eat more but I don't have that ravenous craving that drives me to eat everything in sight. At first I felt sort of guilty at the bowl that was full. As I ponder this I wonder if I really know how much food is too much. In the past ANY amount of food was too much. Truth to tell - when I visited my nutritionist - she said "when you come home from work I want you to have a parfait made with fresh fruit and yogurt." Those were her exact words. (She also said I wasn't eating enough to lose weight.) I have her permission to eat and she should know what she is talking about. This is food to nourish my body so I can do the work I need to do this afternoon (on top of that it was extremely tasty.) I tell you, it's a really, really good feeling.
Today is different. Today, after I realized I was hungry I fixed my snack - a cup of fresh strawberries with a small container of vanilla yogurt on top and I sprinkled the whole thing with a tablespoon of grape nuts. Let me tell you - there isn't anything much better than good fresh strawberries and vanilla yogurt. My stomach is comfortably full. I could eat more but I don't have that ravenous craving that drives me to eat everything in sight. At first I felt sort of guilty at the bowl that was full. As I ponder this I wonder if I really know how much food is too much. In the past ANY amount of food was too much. Truth to tell - when I visited my nutritionist - she said "when you come home from work I want you to have a parfait made with fresh fruit and yogurt." Those were her exact words. (She also said I wasn't eating enough to lose weight.) I have her permission to eat and she should know what she is talking about. This is food to nourish my body so I can do the work I need to do this afternoon (on top of that it was extremely tasty.) I tell you, it's a really, really good feeling.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Progress
It might seem silly to write a blog about weight loss when I don't own a scale but I find it very interesting that, I am doing better now than I have in all my previous attempts to lose weight. This time I'm not obsessing on the numbers, on how much weight I might have lost for the effort I am making. In the past the most important thing was how much weight I could lose in the fastest amount of time. This time I am working on changing my habits. I trust that the plan will work because I got it from a nutritionist who carefully explained why she wanted me to follow this plan. Since I got this eating plan I am eating more rather than less and I am feeling much better about myself. It's ironic, but for quite some time I have not eaten much in the way of vegetables and I NEVER snacked on fresh vegetables or fruit. Now since I don't "have" to have carrots because I am on a diet I actually want the carrots. I find that very interesting - when I had to eat them I didn't like them but when I don't have to have them I want them. It makes me wonder about other foods that I refuse to eat because I mentally associate them with "dieting." A topic to explore in more depth in the near future. I still have some changes to make in my eating (getting rid of eating chocolate when I get home from work every day is probably the best thing I could do.) I am working on it. I notice that I even started eating chocolate differently. Instead of chewing it I let it melt in my mouth and I savor the burst of sweet, intense chocolate. And, I am satisfied with less chocolate. Another good development.
I have also added exercises to my routine. I am starting really slowly because of my bad knee, and I started my physical therapy exercises to strenghten my knee. In the meantime I am also riding the stationary cycle for aerobic activity.
Even without the scale I can tell changes are happening because my slacks feel looser.
I have also added exercises to my routine. I am starting really slowly because of my bad knee, and I started my physical therapy exercises to strenghten my knee. In the meantime I am also riding the stationary cycle for aerobic activity.
Even without the scale I can tell changes are happening because my slacks feel looser.
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