Chaos. My inner life is in a state of chaos. Wikipedia defines chaos as "as state lacking order or predictability". The only thing that is predictable is the unpredictability. Thoughts ping around in my mind like a pinball. I indulge in worry. I worry about my house, my job, my weight, my grown children, my mother. I worry about disappointing people. My husband says if I didn't have something to worry about I would make something up. It's been this way my entire life. I can remember being in 5th grade and being unable to sleep because I was worrying about my report card. Worry and anxiety drive my life. The worry is so great that I have difficulty in addressing the issues that worry me. This can't be good for me.
My house reflects this chaos as well. Piles of clutter litter every flat surface. I can't seem to sustain any interest in anything for more than 5 minutes. I rarely finish anything that I start unless it is a work related deadline. I find it difficult to focus on this blog. Early in my life I had to find a way to stop all of the noise and worry and reading seemed to work the best. I could check out of reality and live another person's life for a while. A life which progresses from one point to another, no random deviations, no anxiety. Just peace and order.
I sometimes wonder if I have ADD. I wonder if I need more structure in my life - because often it feels like I have too many choices. Perhaps I need to think more about structure, about what it could do for me.
