Chaos.

Chaos.  My inner life is in a state of chaos.  Wikipedia defines chaos as "as state lacking order or predictability".   The only thing that is predictable is the unpredictability.  Thoughts ping around in my mind like a  pinball.  I indulge in worry.  I worry about my house, my job, my weight, my grown children, my mother.  I worry about disappointing people.  My husband says if I didn't have something to worry about I would make something up.  It's been this way my entire life.  I can remember being in 5th grade and being unable to sleep because I was worrying about my report card.  Worry and anxiety drive my life.  The worry is so great that I have difficulty in addressing the issues that worry me.  This can't be good for me.

My house reflects this chaos as well.  Piles of clutter litter every flat surface.  I can't seem to sustain any interest in anything for more than 5 minutes.  I rarely finish anything that I start unless it is a work related deadline.  I find it difficult to focus on this blog.  Early in my life I had to find a way to stop all of the noise and worry and reading seemed to work the best.  I could check out of reality and live another person's life for a while.  A life which progresses from one point to another, no random deviations, no anxiety.  Just peace and order.

I sometimes wonder if I have ADD.  I wonder if I need more structure in my life - because often it feels like I have too many choices.  Perhaps I need to think more about structure, about what it could do for me.  

Lies, Lies, and more Lies

For the last couple of days I have been pondering the lies we hear, the lies we believe, and the lies we tell ourselves.  They come at us from all sides.  From the time we get up in the morning to the time we go to sleep we seem to hear an endless stream of lies about fat people.  About how we are unappealing, or how we are lazy, or how we aren't worth anything because we are fat.  And if society's lies aren't enough the ones we tell ourselves are the most hurtful because there's nowhere to run and now way to block them out.  Have you heard this one "I'll never succeed at this; so this one choice won't matter."  My personal nemesis is what I call the silent lie - the one that just sits heavier on me than all of the fat.  The unhappiness I feel with who I am because I am fat.  The unhappiness that sucks all the joy out of life  kind of like J.K. Rowlings' dementors.  That lie - that we aren't worth anything because we struggle with our weight. 
So what do we do?  When the darkness and the lies get to us - what do we do?  There is only one thing to do - we shine the light of truth on them.  What is the truth?  That,  first and foremost, we are worth far, far more than what society says we are worth, we are worth far, far more that what we think we about ourselves.  We all have unique gifts and talents, we all have love to give, we all a  have a beauty that sometimes we never see. 
The truth is that fat is just fat.  It is nothing more than something that impacts our health.  It isn't who we are,  We can spend our lives focued only on our fat, allowing it's lies to twist our choices and beliefs, or we can focus on the truth.  We can do this, one choice at a time.  Like any facet of life, there are times we will fall and fail at the attempt to eat healthier but we have to shake it off and keep trying.  We are worth it.  Like every good thing in life or any great accomplishment we have to pick ourselves up remind ourselves of the truth and keep moving forward.  Because we are all worth far, far more than we think.

Holding Steady.....mostly

I have been going along for a while now, not really staying on the program but trying to eat healthier.  I notice my weight has been slowly creeping up.  I am committing to stay on track (under my calorie limits) at least through Friday.  Also, I commit to walking for at least 20 minutes today and tomorrow.  I can do two days. 

It's time to ask myself where I want to be by my birthday.  I want to have lost at least 6 more pounds.   That's my goal. 

One of the main reasons that I want to do this is to have vitality and energy - something which is lacking in my life right now.  So, that is what I want.  I'm going to make a plan to keep busy so I won't be a couch potato anymore either.

Negative Thoughts

I am noticing that as I change my eating habits - my thinking is changing as well.  Every pound that melts away reveals something about myself that I don't really want to face.  Memories that I want to stay buried, old hurts that I never really faced, poor choices I made,  mistakes that I can't (or won't) forgive myself for.  Not only do I need to deal with the straight up meal planning and eating choices I make on a daily basis I also need to deal with all of the self criticism, resentment, guilt, and pain that I dish out to myself on a daily basis.  I hate making mistakes - but why?  Everyone makes them.  There isn't a mistake that can't be fixed.  BUT here's what I do when I make a mistake - I beat myself up with words, with constant negative self talk, with words and thoughts that are meant to hurt.  If one of my friends treated me the way I treated myself I would end the friendship.  Sometimes,  I feel trapped in my body with an enemy and the enemy is me and there's no escape.  Up until now the escape has been food (or rather weight.)

See, when I focused on my weight and my eating I could bury the voice of the evil twin (I think I will name her Drusilla.)  I could worry about my weight - not about my mistakes.  But when I eat right I have no cushion against the voice.  I have nothing else to worry about.  I can't divert the message. So what is the answer?  I think I said it earlier - I just have to apply it.  There is no mistake so bad that it can't be fixed.  Now, I have to figure out how to apply that belief.  At the end of the day I need to just simply own the mistake and move on.  I have to start to realize that there is no need for punishment and it's counter productive. 

I think I'm going to be having to face a lot of stuff in the near future.

Spring.

I've really been struggling lately.  In fact, I gained 4 pounds since last February.  That means I only lost 7 since last September.   I was feeling pretty depressed about it and hopeless about it too.  Yesterday, I was out in the afternoon and all of a sudden I felt great.  Excited about getting back on the program and eating healthy and fired up about losing weight again.  Why?  How did this happen?  Will I be able to make it happen again?  It would be really nice to know because I could get things turned around a whole lot faster if I could consciously do this when I needed to. 

I have 5 more months until I hit the one year mark and I have been thinking about my goal.  Since I got back on the plan I started to dream about what I can do before September and I really have to stop this dreaming.  Because when I dream like this the focus of my life shifts to weight loss. 

I need to keep practicing taking the focus of my life off my weight.  My spiritual life, my career, my writing, my family, those are the things that I want to be the focus of my life. 

It's not about feelings.

As someone who regularly eats her feelings I'm looking at a tough day.  Lack of sleep combined with a minor weight gain has put me in a foul mood.  The dog woke me up at 3 am and kept me awake the rest of the night. I left my fitbit on my slacks yesterday and it went through the washer and dryer and now is won't work.  Whatever happened to yesterday's fun?  I'm expecting a terrible day today.

I guess what I need to do is to figure out what would make it a good day and work like crazy to make it happen.  Despite how I feel.  What would make today a good day?

• If I could stay on my eating plan despite how I feel.
• If I could think of something to have for lunch.
• If I fake being happy until I actually become happy.
• If I can stay alert at work and do my work well.
• If I get my exercise today.

 I guess these are my goals today.   First order of business:  caffeine.  Second, breakfast.  Third, caffeine.  Fourth: make some lunch and snacks for work.  Fifth:  caffeine.  Once I tackle this list I'll be ready to face the day.

"Fun"

Lately, as I've struggled with staying on my eating plan I haven't had much success or fun with the weight loss journey.  the original title of this post today was going to be "It's All About Me" but as I wrote that first sentence I realize that "Fun" is what I want to think about.

Whenever I start a diet I'm full of resolve and a heady excitement - a passion to finally lose all this weight and be thin forever.  Some people might be able to sustain that excitement --I'm not one of them.  So I have struggled for the last 2 months - struggled to stay on the plan, given myself pep talks, and failed repeatedly.  Whenever I fail I mentally beat myself up and get frustrated and weigh myself everyday and feel bad.  Which brings me to fun.  How is any of this fun?  It isn't.

But this weight loss journey should be fun.  I want it to be about new adventures, new ways of thinking, new ways of reacting to problems, new recipes to make, new meals to try, in short, fun.  I want to focus on what I can eat; not what I can't.   I want to focus on what I have accomplished - not how far I have to go.  I want to enjoy myself on this journey.  So, from now on - it's all about fun. 

New Day

I noticed something interesting yesterday but I have to back up a bit to share it.  I have been struggling with my healthy eating since Mid-January.  At first my weight remained the same, but slowly it began to creep up.  When I had gained one pound I thought to myself, "oh, I'll just wait until Monday to weigh myself, because I can be a pound down by then." So I didn't record my weight.  When Monday rolled around I was not back down a pound so I though, "oh, I'll just weigh myself on Friday because the extra pound will be off by then" but by Friday, I had gained another pound.  Now I was up 2 pounds and in addition to the 2 pounds I was carrying the frustration that I would need to lose 2 pounds before I could record my weight.

The burden of carrying extra weight is heavy enough - but if you add to it the emotional weight of: 1) hiding the truth from myself, 2) mentally carrying the burden of having the extra pounds to get rid of before a weigh-in, and 3) trying to deal with the anger at myself for gaining weight, the stress became unmanageable.  The emotional weight of this kind of burden drove me to take refuge in some unhealthy habits (most notably, reading and snacking) that I use to avoid stress.  Which increased the weight.  It was a vicious circle. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  I weighed myself and recorded my weight.  A total of 3 pounds gained since mid January.  The little badge on My Fitness Pal reads 8 pounds lost (in 165 days.)  You would think this would be depressing.  Instead, a wonderful thing happened.  I looked at the little 8 pounds lost badge and instead of feeling depressed I felt empowered.  I felt ready to buckle down and stick to my eating program, I felt ready to take on the world.  The emotional burden was gone; I was free.  As I ponder this, I have come to the conclusion that the emotional weight is far, far heavier than the physical weight.

I'm resolving to be more upfront and honest with myself, recording the "bad" weights along with the good ones.  In fact, I might go so far as to say that I'm ditching the whole idea of "bad" weights.  Because by labeling a part of myself as "bad" I'm condemning myself. And when I condemn myself I become overly critical of everything around me, and that drives me to snack.  I will have to start thinking in terms of "good" and "better".

As of yesterday, it's all good.

Panic

This morning I got up and weighed myself and I gained another pound.  As I looked at the number I felt panic rise up inside me.  Mentally I was screaming "noooooo" this can't be happening.  The program had been so easy to stay on and now I can't seem to do it if my life depended on it.   I think that the words that are running just under my conscious thoughts are "you can't do this, just give up, you will never succeed, you are a quitter, you've never finished anything in your life..." and on and on and on.

In a way, I'm kind of glad this has happened because I realized something really important - I have forgotten how to love myself fat and all.  In the beginning of this program, when I lost a pound I would gently let it go, saying goodbye and moving on.  Lately, I've been hating my fat and I think that might be the root of the problem.  I'm not acting with love towards myself and my body knows it. 

When I don't show love to myself I move into an emotional place that is rigid and tense, and controlling.  A world where one either succeeds or fails, a world where it is all about the end result and not about the process.

So, I'm cutting myself some slack, realizing that there will be times when I lose my way, and giving thanks that it is becoming easier to find my way back.  I take a minute to breathe, give myself a mental and emotional hug and move on.  I feel calmer and more hopeful.

Control?

I'm having a real problem staying on my eating plan and my weight is beginning to creep back up.  As I think about this I realize that this is a symptom of how I feel about my life - so many things are outside my control right now.  My co-worker's career plans, my career plans, my spiritual life, my health feels out of control, how the house looks is somewhat out of my control, even my fitness goals are out of my control.  It all started with the spot found during my mammogram - and the resulting days of stress as I went for all of the necessary tests.  Even the great news that I didn't have cancer hasn't undone the feeling of loss of control.  I went to the basement today intending to work out but someone had ridden the stationary cycle and the seat was not adjusted for me and I couldn't put it to the right spot because it is so hard to adjust. 

I hate this.  The more things spiral out of control in my environment the more I lose control with my eating.  The general lack of control of my environment triggers the overeating.  I seem to spend my energy dealing with everything that is going on around me and not giving any attention to what is going on in me.  If I think about it logically, I realize that it is at times like these when everything falls apart that I most need to care for myself by exercising and eating right.  But I tell you, this is the most difficult thing to do.  I don't HAVE the energy to put into self care. 

Unfortunately, all I can seem to do is try get to the other side of the lack of control time and hope I haven't gained all the weight back.  Reading and eating are both escapes.  But I need an active way to deal with this. 

My spiritual life isn't so great that prayer and Bible reading will help, although I can try.  I think the best thing to do is to silence the inner voice in my head that is whispering that reading and eating will help.  It lies. 

Mapping out an active plan is what will help.  Making meals and snacks up in advance will help.  Making a time to exercise is what will help.  Strengthening my hands will help (that way I can move that sticky seat on the stationary cycle.)  Looking for a personal trainer will help.  Planning for some chocolate every day will help.  And allowing myself to read in the evening will help because it won't be an unthinking response to avoiding the things that are bothering me. 

So for today, I have exercised 15 minutes so far; I will aim for walking 20 later today. I will commit to doing a 15 minute NYC Ballet workout.    I will make some Ellie Kreiger chocolate, almond, and dried cherry treats.  I will also make some mini quiches to take for lunch next week.  I will buy some vegetables and make a stir fry to have for lunch next week.  I will make an apple crisp so I have a healthy dessert. AND I will work on my spiritual life.

This Week's Goal: Weigh 181 by next Saturday morning.

I hit a wall a couple of weeks ago and my weight loss is stalled.  I decided that I need to make a very specific, measurable goal.  So, mine is one pound.  I think the best way to hit this goal is to plan better.  Plan for my lunches and snacks and plan for sweets throughout the week.  I also need to plan to get more exercise into my week.  Here's the plan:

Lunches are probably the hardest part of my day:  We never seem to have anything around for me to take for lunch.  I'm not really keen on sandwiches but I plan to have them on Monday and Tuesday.  I will have a dinner roll and leftover prime rib.  Wednesday I will have chicken mcmamas for lunch, Thursday,  leftover pasta, and Friday leftover steak.  Hopefully, I can stick to the dinner plans for the week.

The sweets:  It needs to be something that takes a while to eat.  Or something that is so sweet I don't need many, like jellybeans.  Pudding is okay, maybe we should make an apple crisp.  And some pumpkin custard. 


Dinner Meals:  Roast vegetable hash; flat iron steak, chicken nuggets, pasta carbonara, quiche, chicken vegetable stir fry, fried rice.

Now, exercise - at least 20 minutes per day.  So, Monday - it's going to have to be at lunch - which means walk a mile.  (Better get my I pod programmed for it.)  Tuesday, after work at the wellness center, Wednesday, at lunch, Thursday after work at wellness center, and Friday - at lunch.  All of this is tentative because if it is nice outside I will walk outside every day.  

32 Pounds to Go; 838 Calories Over the Limit

Okay; I've been thinking; I've been totally successful on MFP from September through a couple of weeks ago and today was my worst day ever.  I'm way over my calorie limit and I haven't even had dinner.  I have to ask myself ---what's going on?  Back before I was on MFP if I didn't work on weight loss - my weight didn't fluctuate and even though I overate - not to the point of gaining on a weekly or even daily basis anyway.  So I have to ask - why am I throwing roadblocks in my way?  Why am I doing this to myself?  What do I gain (besides the obvious) from staying fat?

My initial thought is "Nothing"  I don't get anything out of being fat.  But a deeper examination brings up some very uneasy feelings with regard to body image, weight loss, fear, self expression, and expectations.   I went on my first diet in 5th grade.  Mostly what I remember is the deep sense of shame at being fat and the resultant gnawing hunger from not eating enough.  I lost the extra 5 pounds of weight and got a lot of positive feedback but it never changed how I felt about myself after I was told I was too fat.   Somehow from that time on my self image has been that of a fat person,  even when I was in high school and weighed just over 120.  I was sure I was fat - it was who I was and my whole life has been lived as a fat person.  It is my self image, but more than that it is WHO I AM.  Is it any wonder that I panic when I think of changing?

I reached my first major milestone - 10 pounds lost and I panicked.  I have 32 more to go.  It feels like there is this huge wall of fear between me and my goal.  And a huge wall of failure.  And I hit the wall. I wonder who I will be if I lose the weight.  I wonder if I will even lose it in the face of this wave of feelings.

I need to stop living my life as a fat person.  I wasn't a fat person when I was in 5th grade - but my doctor freaked because I didn't fit the standard height weight charts and he scared my parents who did their well intentioned best to keep me healthy.  The problem was that I twisted and internalized the message and to me, at that time being fat made me a bad person.  This message has been the driving force of my life.  Now when faced with actually losing weight and being healthy I feel lost.  I talked to my husband about this and he pointed out that what it boils down to at the end of the day thin or fat, I need to answer 4 questions:

1.  Did I eat healthy meals?
2.  Did I drink enough water?
3.  Did I exercise - even a little?
4.  Did I get enough sleep?

Trust a man to cut to the heart of the matter.  This journey is all about health for me I can't afford to let it be about the thin = good and fat = bad mentality.  I have to let that go - it isn't serving me well.   If I don't lose another pound for a month -- if I can say yes to these four questions  I will be doing well. These questions are a better barometer of the choices I made.  And frankly, the thin = good mentality just isn't realistic. 

I admit it - I ate 800+ extra calories today.  That doesn't make me a bad person.

I lost a lot of weight today; the oppressive weight of being a fat person - and believe me, when fat = bad this is huge. Now, if only I can remember this tomorrow.

Shedding the mental weight

My goal weight:  150
Weight to lose:  32 pounds  

So I read this article today:  http://blogs.webmd.com/pamela-peeke-md/2011/02/make-the-mental-fat-body-fat-connection.html?ecd=wnl_nal_020311    it got me thinking about my habits and I want to try the suggestions. 


Habits that stop me from losing weight

I believe that I can't lose weight - that it will never happen.
I don't exercise regularly.
I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables
I drink diet coke
I do other things like read when I eat
I beat myself up when I do something wrong - I am a perfectionist
I don't have a late afternoon snack so I don't get my exercise when I get home



Habits that help me lose weight:

I record everything that I eat
I eat 1200 - 1400 calories per day
I get enough sleep
I drink water
I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner
I eat protein several times per day


So, what do I need to change to lose the weight given that I should only work on a couple issues at a time?  I think the most important things are to add the fruits and vegetables and add the late afternoon snack.  I need a plan.  First, since I have some pasta with peas right now - I will fix that for lunch and take some steak for a snack.  That will take care of the snack thing but I still have the fruit and vegetable thing.

Stir fry comes to mind for the fruit and vegetable portion of my meals.  Pea pods bean sprouts, mushrooms with meat mixed in.  Fried rice with veggies and a bit of egg and meat.  Make some vegetable soup. 

For dinners:  cooked carrots.  peas, green beans, yellow beans, stuffed zucchini,

Reflections on mild depression.

I'm going through a tough time right now.  I am having a very difficult time saying no to food.  I don't have the energy to exercise and I want to read all the time.  Hummm, these symptoms usually mean one thing - depression.  It all started with the mammogram scare and I feel like I'm still reeling.  Plus its winter and its cold and I want to be in the warm and the sunshine.  I don't want to take pills to fix this.  I guess the best thing to do is to get proactive.  First, I'm going to take my vitamins - especially B complex, C, and D.  Second, I'm going to make sure I get lots of good protein and plenty of fruits and vegetables.  Finally, I'm going to exercise and treat myself really well.

What does it mean to treat myself well?  I think it means to show patience with myself.  To accept the mistakes I've made in my eating for the last week and just let it go and move on.  Give myself a mental hug so to speak.  So I've gained a pound or two.  Now that I know the problem I can deal with it.  I can start over.  I think kindness is the most important thing I can show myself.  I can't slip into that "no excuses, buckle down and do it right this time mentality."  That has never worked for me in the past - there's no reason to think it will work now.   I think a light, loving acceptance of myself will work far better.  I say to myself that my mistakes were the result of untreated, unrecognized depression,  but that I can make the changes to eliminate the depression and it will make me so much happier and when I'm happy staying within my calorie limits is empowering.  When I'm happy staying within my calorie limits isn't a sacrifice.

Today, I will take these steps to start down the path to emotional health.  Take my vitamins, ride the cycle for twenty minutes, eat a well balanced dinner - even if I have used up my calories for the day.  I'm starting now.

Big Scare

    Last week I had my annual mammogram.  Two days later I got a call from a person at the Women's Health Center who told me that I needed a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound because there was a suspicious spot on the original mammograms.  Two days later I went for the second round of tests.  I saw the spot they were concerned about; a pea sized mass in my left breast. After 3 hours of waiting rooms and tests I met with the radiologist who told me that he wanted me to have a breast biopsy.  He also told me that he was 98% sure it wasn't cancer but the biopsy was necessary to rule it out.  At this point I was really getting nervous.  I kept telling myself that it most likely wasn't cancer but it was really hard to keep my mind on things.  This last Wednesday I had the biopsy and was out of work for 2 days. 
  I did really well with my eating until the biopsy and then things fell apart.  I ate everything - potato chips, a whole box of vanilla wafers, chocolate pudding, and malted milk balls.  I guess I managed to keep things somewhat under control because I still lost a pound. 
   Yesterday I got the good news that I don't have cancer - the spot was a cyst.  So the stress is gone but the need to eat is still there.  After a week of giving myself permission to snack I have to go back to staying within my calorie limits and it's not easy.  I'm having serious cravings for anything snack-ish.  I won't do it - if I give in today it will be harder to stay strong tomorrow.  So, I'm making a commitment to stay on my program today.

The Power of a Single Choice

Happy New Year to everyone!  I want to share an interesting thing that happened during the past several days and how it has impacted my weight loss journey.  During the week between Christmas and New Years I went on a family vacation.  While I was on vacation I still checked in to my fitness pal and recorded everything I ate but I'm afraid I did not stay within my calorie limits as well as I should.  I was fairly active so I managed to get through the week with a one pound weight loss.  The thing about eating a bit more on vacation is that it can carry over when you get back home.  I came home on Saturday and I overate on Sunday and Monday as well.  On Tuesday afternoon my co worker was eating a Snickers bar and I decided to have one too so I got my money for the vending machine out of my wallet.  I got up to walk to the vending machines and I thought to myself "if I eat that Snickers Bar I may never get back on the plan and I will be back where I started when I began and I will hate myself."  In that split second I realized that I couldn't eat the Snickers bar - not that day anyway.  Instead I went and bought a Diet Coke. 

I came home from work on Tuesday evening totally recharged and recommitted to staying on the program.  For some reason that one choice on that particular day put me back on track and filled me with confidence that I could do this.  I was filled with optimism and excitement.

I think about this one little incident; the incredible feeling of power that one small choice on a totally ordinary day may have made -- changing the course of my life?  Perhaps.  Maybe I'm assigning too much importance to that particular choice, I can't say for sure.  All I know is one minute I was feeling defeated and the next I was filled with power and resolve.   I know there are days when I will chose to eat the Snickers Bar - I will need to be sure to record the candy and workout to minimize the damage.  But that's for another day. Right now - I'm good.

  

New Year

It's 2011 and it's time to take stock and look forward to what I want to accomplish during the new year.  You would think since this is a blog about my weight and body image and journey to happiness that my resolutions would be about staying on my diet and working out so many times per week but this year, like last year is going to be a bit different.   Last year I started a vision journal and I realized through that activity that I wanted to work on focus during the year.  As I think about this coming year I want:  happiness, serenity, I want an organized environment, I want evenings with no television blaring at me, I want to continue to regain my health.  I want a place in the house where I can go and read a book,  I want to keep my nails looking nice, I want to gain vitality.  Vitality, I think that is what I want the most.  I think that is going to be my word for the year.  I will need to work on imagining how it will shape my life over the next year as I concentrate my activities and actions to gain it.