Reflections on mild depression.

I'm going through a tough time right now.  I am having a very difficult time saying no to food.  I don't have the energy to exercise and I want to read all the time.  Hummm, these symptoms usually mean one thing - depression.  It all started with the mammogram scare and I feel like I'm still reeling.  Plus its winter and its cold and I want to be in the warm and the sunshine.  I don't want to take pills to fix this.  I guess the best thing to do is to get proactive.  First, I'm going to take my vitamins - especially B complex, C, and D.  Second, I'm going to make sure I get lots of good protein and plenty of fruits and vegetables.  Finally, I'm going to exercise and treat myself really well.

What does it mean to treat myself well?  I think it means to show patience with myself.  To accept the mistakes I've made in my eating for the last week and just let it go and move on.  Give myself a mental hug so to speak.  So I've gained a pound or two.  Now that I know the problem I can deal with it.  I can start over.  I think kindness is the most important thing I can show myself.  I can't slip into that "no excuses, buckle down and do it right this time mentality."  That has never worked for me in the past - there's no reason to think it will work now.   I think a light, loving acceptance of myself will work far better.  I say to myself that my mistakes were the result of untreated, unrecognized depression,  but that I can make the changes to eliminate the depression and it will make me so much happier and when I'm happy staying within my calorie limits is empowering.  When I'm happy staying within my calorie limits isn't a sacrifice.

Today, I will take these steps to start down the path to emotional health.  Take my vitamins, ride the cycle for twenty minutes, eat a well balanced dinner - even if I have used up my calories for the day.  I'm starting now.

Big Scare

    Last week I had my annual mammogram.  Two days later I got a call from a person at the Women's Health Center who told me that I needed a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound because there was a suspicious spot on the original mammograms.  Two days later I went for the second round of tests.  I saw the spot they were concerned about; a pea sized mass in my left breast. After 3 hours of waiting rooms and tests I met with the radiologist who told me that he wanted me to have a breast biopsy.  He also told me that he was 98% sure it wasn't cancer but the biopsy was necessary to rule it out.  At this point I was really getting nervous.  I kept telling myself that it most likely wasn't cancer but it was really hard to keep my mind on things.  This last Wednesday I had the biopsy and was out of work for 2 days. 
  I did really well with my eating until the biopsy and then things fell apart.  I ate everything - potato chips, a whole box of vanilla wafers, chocolate pudding, and malted milk balls.  I guess I managed to keep things somewhat under control because I still lost a pound. 
   Yesterday I got the good news that I don't have cancer - the spot was a cyst.  So the stress is gone but the need to eat is still there.  After a week of giving myself permission to snack I have to go back to staying within my calorie limits and it's not easy.  I'm having serious cravings for anything snack-ish.  I won't do it - if I give in today it will be harder to stay strong tomorrow.  So, I'm making a commitment to stay on my program today.

The Power of a Single Choice

Happy New Year to everyone!  I want to share an interesting thing that happened during the past several days and how it has impacted my weight loss journey.  During the week between Christmas and New Years I went on a family vacation.  While I was on vacation I still checked in to my fitness pal and recorded everything I ate but I'm afraid I did not stay within my calorie limits as well as I should.  I was fairly active so I managed to get through the week with a one pound weight loss.  The thing about eating a bit more on vacation is that it can carry over when you get back home.  I came home on Saturday and I overate on Sunday and Monday as well.  On Tuesday afternoon my co worker was eating a Snickers bar and I decided to have one too so I got my money for the vending machine out of my wallet.  I got up to walk to the vending machines and I thought to myself "if I eat that Snickers Bar I may never get back on the plan and I will be back where I started when I began and I will hate myself."  In that split second I realized that I couldn't eat the Snickers bar - not that day anyway.  Instead I went and bought a Diet Coke. 

I came home from work on Tuesday evening totally recharged and recommitted to staying on the program.  For some reason that one choice on that particular day put me back on track and filled me with confidence that I could do this.  I was filled with optimism and excitement.

I think about this one little incident; the incredible feeling of power that one small choice on a totally ordinary day may have made -- changing the course of my life?  Perhaps.  Maybe I'm assigning too much importance to that particular choice, I can't say for sure.  All I know is one minute I was feeling defeated and the next I was filled with power and resolve.   I know there are days when I will chose to eat the Snickers Bar - I will need to be sure to record the candy and workout to minimize the damage.  But that's for another day. Right now - I'm good.

  

New Year

It's 2011 and it's time to take stock and look forward to what I want to accomplish during the new year.  You would think since this is a blog about my weight and body image and journey to happiness that my resolutions would be about staying on my diet and working out so many times per week but this year, like last year is going to be a bit different.   Last year I started a vision journal and I realized through that activity that I wanted to work on focus during the year.  As I think about this coming year I want:  happiness, serenity, I want an organized environment, I want evenings with no television blaring at me, I want to continue to regain my health.  I want a place in the house where I can go and read a book,  I want to keep my nails looking nice, I want to gain vitality.  Vitality, I think that is what I want the most.  I think that is going to be my word for the year.  I will need to work on imagining how it will shape my life over the next year as I concentrate my activities and actions to gain it.