A Rant.

Clearly, I don't know how to manage my emotions.  I'm impatient and self destructive.  Take today, for example.  John and I planned to go for a bike ride after I got home from work.  I got home a little late because I stopped at a library book sale.  Then I took some sudafed for my headache.  Then I was waiting for the headache to subside a bit before I go for a ride.  As I'm waiting for the sudafed to work John is sitting quietly waiting for me to go. Finally I am ready and we go to the garage.  I put on my helmet and suddenly he has to attach a little bag to his handlebars, which takes all of 3 minutes, Meanwhile, I'm impatiently waiting in the driveway when I hear him say - "which way are you going? I reply "Balmoral to Coachwood to the top of the neighborhood" He says "okay, I just have to put my helmet on so you start and I will catch up.  I take off and he never catches up to me.  I am at the top part of the neighborhood and he's nowhere in sight.  Thinking he might have a flat I turn around and pedal home, no husband.  As soon as I get home he arrives from another direction.  He had a flat tire.  He took another route to catch up with me.  The thing is you can see a long way down Coachwood and I looked and looked for him and he was no where in sight.  At this point I'm so mad that there is no way I'm going to ride with anyone.  In fact, I don't want to ride at all - I just want to sit inside, sulk and eat chocolate (see what I mean about self destructive?)

Now, here's my gripe - why couldn't he have checked everything when I was waiting for the headache to go away?  Why sit dressed for biking and wait for me, if he knew he had to put the bag on the handlebars?  Why tell me to start if he hasn't checked his tires yet?  The last angry gripe is with myself - why do I need my husband to go with me on my bike ride?" 

Interesting thought just occured to me.  Right now - I just want to sit here and stay fat.  Hummm, where did that come from?  It's like I'm at war with myself.  One part, the mature me wants to get healthy, the other part, the "I'm not gonna grow up" part wants to stay home and eat cookies.  I want to be the mature woman not the whiny kid so how do I deal with this?

Part of the problem, I think is that the mature woman does not really believe that losing weight will ever happen, so why bother.  But what if the worst happened?  What if I never lost weight no matter what I did - what can I change?  

One thing I know that I can change is that I can change my size a bit.  I think with exercise I could go down a couple of pants sizes.  I think with exercise I could strengthen my core and be more comfortable in my skin.  I would have better posture.  I think that by eating better (more fruits and vegetables, dairy and protein) I can improve my skin and hair.  I think that exercise will make me sleep better. I think that exercise will make me a better worker (because I sleep better.)  I think that exercise and good eating habits will give me a great deal of energy, even if I never lose alot of weight.

I think my goal just changed a bit - maybe my goal is more about feeling good and eating right to feel good.  

Epiphany

Last Sunday I realized that I have hated my body since 1962.  It is now 2010 - that's a long time to hate anything.  When I say I hated my body I'm serious.  When I was in 5th grade my pediatrician told my parents I was fat.  I was put on a strict diet and so began my dive into self hatred and body loathing.

My dad saw the world as black and white.  For instance, we joke in our family that there are 2 ways to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - my dad's way and the wrong way.  Throughout my growing up years I adopted some of his "right / wrong" mentality and applied to weight.  This is how that thinking went "you are either fat or you are thin" If you are in between then you are fat because in-between is by definition "not thin."  (Logically, its not fat either, but that's not how I was raised.)  If you could go back in time to 1968-1970 you would see me as a 5'4", 124 pound young woman.  I was a synchronized swimmer, I was in the marching band, I rode my bicycle everywhere, I ran most mornings, I was the fencing champion of gym class, I swam a mile on the first day of the summer swimming season, and I firmly believed I was fat.  

Here is my epiphany:  this last Sunday I realized that I have never seen myself thin. Ever.  It didn't matter what I weighed, if I wasn't 115, then I was fat.  Period.  If this was the end of the story it would be a sad, sad tale. 
On Sunday,I realized that not only was I weighed down by my actual weight (195) but I was weighed down by my all or nothing thinking and the belief that the purpose of losing weight was to be thin.  For me, that's not the case any longer.   For me, the purpose of losing weight is to feel good physically.  The purpose of losing weight is to feel the sense of accomplishment of taking care of my body.  The purpose of losing weight is to get healthy.  The purpose of losing weight is to be more comfortable.  The purpose of losing weight is to become strong.  The bonus of losing weight is buying smaller clothes and looking better.

I felt such a HUGE sense of relief.   For more years than I can count I have felt like I was carrying a load of rocks on my back.   The load was so heavy and oppressive that some days I felt like I couldn't stand up straight. I cried with relief when I realized that was gone.  I celebrated by going to get some new makeup.

The world is full of possibilities.

Change of Plans

I got off of work and ate some yogurt and raspberries for my snack.  As I was on the way home I started wanting food.  I sat quietly and thought about why I was wanting food and I realized something - I WAS HUNGRY.  When I came home I ate a scrambled egg and made piece of toast.  And it's no wonder I was hungry I had eaten less than 300 calories for breakfast and lunch combined.  It looks like I need to get serious about planning better meals and snacks.  My afternoon snack was less than 300 calories including the egg and toast.  So I have at least 700-800 calories to spend on dinner.  However, my nutritionist says that my body needs at least 1,368 calories to just function at a minimal level.  She has me at around 1,400 calories per day.  I'm really looking forward to dinner because we are having yardbird (bbq chicken cooked outside.)  I think we will also have some long grain and wild rice because it will be a great leftover meal.  

Rode the exercise cycle for a half an hour and noticed that I have improved my speed - to over 10 mph.  Yay. 
   

I know I have written about the danger zone for me which is the time between coming home from work and dinnertime.  I'm still struggling with that.  I still can't get a handle on controlling my eating during that time frame - also the weekend is difficult.  At first I thought that if I structured my time I wouldn't eat.  I ignore the things I have planned to do, I ignore the things I plan to eat in favor of crackers and highly processed foods.  So my question is why?  Why do I do this?  How can I stop?    When I come home from work, even on the good days all I can think about is the things I did wrong or the things other people did wrong.  I just know that I am so, so tired.  Maybe that is the biggest part of it.  Maybe I should plan to come home and lie down for 15 minutes and just relax.    It always takes me a long time to get upstairs even to just change my clothes partly because I'm just too tired to climb the stairs.  Also, I don't want to face the issues that arose during the work day.  Somehow I always focus on the things I did wrong and also I think that all the people around me are thinking that I'm incompetent too.  I could come home and exercise but quite honestly, I'm too tired.  All I want to do is eat and decompress.  I think tomorrow I'm going to try the new plan.  I'm going to come in, hang my coat up and go straight upstaris to lie down for at least 15 minutes, perhaps longer.   I'll let you know whether it works.

Sunny Day

So I came home at 4 today and it felt so good to see sunshine all the way home.  There is something about the quality of light that just lifts my spirits.  Also, this week it's been light when I have been driving to work in the morning.  Awesome.  It makes me so happy.  Now, I realize that March 3 is still the depths of winter here in the northern midwest but the mild winter temperatures today coupled with the blazing sunlight give me a taste of spring.   There is something about spring that makes me feel invincible - I can do anything - perhaps because I have survived a bleak, dark winter.  It feels so good just to be alive, I feel like I can do anything.  I have so much hope for this weight loss journey.  I want more than anything to lose this weight but I have to still address those pesky issues that trick me into overeating. Mostly, the critical inner voice that tells me that this can't be done, the voice that tells me that even if I do it I won't be happy with myself, so why bother, the voice that nags me to eat everything in sight then condemns me when I do.  That voice.  George Sheehan had a quote about running marathons  that refers to the voice. The quote is so powerful that I put on my refridgerator it says "It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners.  Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit."  Unlike lots of weight loss advice which just drags me down - this quote empowers me - it's not about what I "should" eat or not eat.  It's not about working to have the perfect body.  It is about the one foot before the other long distance marathon that defines my weight loss journey.  It's about getting up and starting again each morning - despite yesterday's failure.  It's about staying on the course when all you want to do is give up.  It's about the kind of person that I want to be - one that doesn't quit - that does not give up despite the 2-steps-forward-one step-back that seems to characterize this weight loss attempt.  In the past I have always given up after 3 weeks or so - I'm happy to say I'm still plugging away after 2 months - making note of my small victories and trying again day after day. 

Fear

This morning I printed my chart and planned my meals and snacks.  This afternoon I came home and ate my snack and started dinner.  I plan to go downstairs to exercise in a little while.  The sun is shining, the snow is melting, it is light in the morning when I leave for work, and some brave birds are singing when I wake up in the morning.  Despite all of these good things -- when I think of losing weight today I feel a surge of hope and a riptide of panic.  Why?  What is it about succeeding that has me terrified today?  I know how good I will feel.  For me its not so much about how I look, as it is about accomplishing a goal that I never expected to accomplish.  No, I lie - it's not about looking good to OTHERS it's about looking good to MYSELF.  It's about being satisfied with how I look and who I am.  I think this is the essence of my fear.  I think that perhaps if I lost 20 pounds it wouldn't be enough for me to be happy with myself.  If I lost 40 pounds it wouldn't be enough to be happy with myself.  If I lost 60 pounds and weighed what I did when I got married I don't think I would be happy with myself.  Because back then when I was thin I was never happy with how I looked.  Clearly, the first thing I need to learn  is to be happy in my skin.  I know I'm improving in this area but I still have a long way to go. 

As I look at that paragraph I see 2 issues here.

Learning to be happy with who I am.
Learning to be happy with how I look.

I know I'm making progress on both of these issues but I still have a long way to go.  I need to continue to read and explore the issues but for today, since I have identified my fears I can ponder them for a while.

Accountability for the Week

I made a chart today which lists what I need to eat for my meals and snacks - not the specifics, rather it is the number of proteins and grains that I should have at each meal and snack.  I also added spaces for aerobics and weight training.  My goal this week is to complete the chart every day.  So by next Sunday I will report to you whether I completed it or not. 
 
It's funny, I am excited all over again to keep at this.  Because I have been successful (6 pounds in 2 months) even if the weight loss is slow I am still seeing results.  I think as I add more aerobics and weight training the weight will come off a bit faster - but even if it doesn't I'm quite happy.  For one, since this is a plan from a nutritionist it is easy to stay on AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY EVERY TIME I EAT A MOUTHFUL OF FOOD.  Which is probably the best thing ever.  This is the first time in the past 45 years that I have felt this way (since my first diet at 11 years old.)  This feels good!