Panic

This morning I got up and weighed myself and I gained another pound.  As I looked at the number I felt panic rise up inside me.  Mentally I was screaming "noooooo" this can't be happening.  The program had been so easy to stay on and now I can't seem to do it if my life depended on it.   I think that the words that are running just under my conscious thoughts are "you can't do this, just give up, you will never succeed, you are a quitter, you've never finished anything in your life..." and on and on and on.

In a way, I'm kind of glad this has happened because I realized something really important - I have forgotten how to love myself fat and all.  In the beginning of this program, when I lost a pound I would gently let it go, saying goodbye and moving on.  Lately, I've been hating my fat and I think that might be the root of the problem.  I'm not acting with love towards myself and my body knows it. 

When I don't show love to myself I move into an emotional place that is rigid and tense, and controlling.  A world where one either succeeds or fails, a world where it is all about the end result and not about the process.

So, I'm cutting myself some slack, realizing that there will be times when I lose my way, and giving thanks that it is becoming easier to find my way back.  I take a minute to breathe, give myself a mental and emotional hug and move on.  I feel calmer and more hopeful.

Control?

I'm having a real problem staying on my eating plan and my weight is beginning to creep back up.  As I think about this I realize that this is a symptom of how I feel about my life - so many things are outside my control right now.  My co-worker's career plans, my career plans, my spiritual life, my health feels out of control, how the house looks is somewhat out of my control, even my fitness goals are out of my control.  It all started with the spot found during my mammogram - and the resulting days of stress as I went for all of the necessary tests.  Even the great news that I didn't have cancer hasn't undone the feeling of loss of control.  I went to the basement today intending to work out but someone had ridden the stationary cycle and the seat was not adjusted for me and I couldn't put it to the right spot because it is so hard to adjust. 

I hate this.  The more things spiral out of control in my environment the more I lose control with my eating.  The general lack of control of my environment triggers the overeating.  I seem to spend my energy dealing with everything that is going on around me and not giving any attention to what is going on in me.  If I think about it logically, I realize that it is at times like these when everything falls apart that I most need to care for myself by exercising and eating right.  But I tell you, this is the most difficult thing to do.  I don't HAVE the energy to put into self care. 

Unfortunately, all I can seem to do is try get to the other side of the lack of control time and hope I haven't gained all the weight back.  Reading and eating are both escapes.  But I need an active way to deal with this. 

My spiritual life isn't so great that prayer and Bible reading will help, although I can try.  I think the best thing to do is to silence the inner voice in my head that is whispering that reading and eating will help.  It lies. 

Mapping out an active plan is what will help.  Making meals and snacks up in advance will help.  Making a time to exercise is what will help.  Strengthening my hands will help (that way I can move that sticky seat on the stationary cycle.)  Looking for a personal trainer will help.  Planning for some chocolate every day will help.  And allowing myself to read in the evening will help because it won't be an unthinking response to avoiding the things that are bothering me. 

So for today, I have exercised 15 minutes so far; I will aim for walking 20 later today. I will commit to doing a 15 minute NYC Ballet workout.    I will make some Ellie Kreiger chocolate, almond, and dried cherry treats.  I will also make some mini quiches to take for lunch next week.  I will buy some vegetables and make a stir fry to have for lunch next week.  I will make an apple crisp so I have a healthy dessert. AND I will work on my spiritual life.

This Week's Goal: Weigh 181 by next Saturday morning.

I hit a wall a couple of weeks ago and my weight loss is stalled.  I decided that I need to make a very specific, measurable goal.  So, mine is one pound.  I think the best way to hit this goal is to plan better.  Plan for my lunches and snacks and plan for sweets throughout the week.  I also need to plan to get more exercise into my week.  Here's the plan:

Lunches are probably the hardest part of my day:  We never seem to have anything around for me to take for lunch.  I'm not really keen on sandwiches but I plan to have them on Monday and Tuesday.  I will have a dinner roll and leftover prime rib.  Wednesday I will have chicken mcmamas for lunch, Thursday,  leftover pasta, and Friday leftover steak.  Hopefully, I can stick to the dinner plans for the week.

The sweets:  It needs to be something that takes a while to eat.  Or something that is so sweet I don't need many, like jellybeans.  Pudding is okay, maybe we should make an apple crisp.  And some pumpkin custard. 


Dinner Meals:  Roast vegetable hash; flat iron steak, chicken nuggets, pasta carbonara, quiche, chicken vegetable stir fry, fried rice.

Now, exercise - at least 20 minutes per day.  So, Monday - it's going to have to be at lunch - which means walk a mile.  (Better get my I pod programmed for it.)  Tuesday, after work at the wellness center, Wednesday, at lunch, Thursday after work at wellness center, and Friday - at lunch.  All of this is tentative because if it is nice outside I will walk outside every day.  

32 Pounds to Go; 838 Calories Over the Limit

Okay; I've been thinking; I've been totally successful on MFP from September through a couple of weeks ago and today was my worst day ever.  I'm way over my calorie limit and I haven't even had dinner.  I have to ask myself ---what's going on?  Back before I was on MFP if I didn't work on weight loss - my weight didn't fluctuate and even though I overate - not to the point of gaining on a weekly or even daily basis anyway.  So I have to ask - why am I throwing roadblocks in my way?  Why am I doing this to myself?  What do I gain (besides the obvious) from staying fat?

My initial thought is "Nothing"  I don't get anything out of being fat.  But a deeper examination brings up some very uneasy feelings with regard to body image, weight loss, fear, self expression, and expectations.   I went on my first diet in 5th grade.  Mostly what I remember is the deep sense of shame at being fat and the resultant gnawing hunger from not eating enough.  I lost the extra 5 pounds of weight and got a lot of positive feedback but it never changed how I felt about myself after I was told I was too fat.   Somehow from that time on my self image has been that of a fat person,  even when I was in high school and weighed just over 120.  I was sure I was fat - it was who I was and my whole life has been lived as a fat person.  It is my self image, but more than that it is WHO I AM.  Is it any wonder that I panic when I think of changing?

I reached my first major milestone - 10 pounds lost and I panicked.  I have 32 more to go.  It feels like there is this huge wall of fear between me and my goal.  And a huge wall of failure.  And I hit the wall. I wonder who I will be if I lose the weight.  I wonder if I will even lose it in the face of this wave of feelings.

I need to stop living my life as a fat person.  I wasn't a fat person when I was in 5th grade - but my doctor freaked because I didn't fit the standard height weight charts and he scared my parents who did their well intentioned best to keep me healthy.  The problem was that I twisted and internalized the message and to me, at that time being fat made me a bad person.  This message has been the driving force of my life.  Now when faced with actually losing weight and being healthy I feel lost.  I talked to my husband about this and he pointed out that what it boils down to at the end of the day thin or fat, I need to answer 4 questions:

1.  Did I eat healthy meals?
2.  Did I drink enough water?
3.  Did I exercise - even a little?
4.  Did I get enough sleep?

Trust a man to cut to the heart of the matter.  This journey is all about health for me I can't afford to let it be about the thin = good and fat = bad mentality.  I have to let that go - it isn't serving me well.   If I don't lose another pound for a month -- if I can say yes to these four questions  I will be doing well. These questions are a better barometer of the choices I made.  And frankly, the thin = good mentality just isn't realistic. 

I admit it - I ate 800+ extra calories today.  That doesn't make me a bad person.

I lost a lot of weight today; the oppressive weight of being a fat person - and believe me, when fat = bad this is huge. Now, if only I can remember this tomorrow.

Shedding the mental weight

My goal weight:  150
Weight to lose:  32 pounds  

So I read this article today:  http://blogs.webmd.com/pamela-peeke-md/2011/02/make-the-mental-fat-body-fat-connection.html?ecd=wnl_nal_020311    it got me thinking about my habits and I want to try the suggestions. 


Habits that stop me from losing weight

I believe that I can't lose weight - that it will never happen.
I don't exercise regularly.
I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables
I drink diet coke
I do other things like read when I eat
I beat myself up when I do something wrong - I am a perfectionist
I don't have a late afternoon snack so I don't get my exercise when I get home



Habits that help me lose weight:

I record everything that I eat
I eat 1200 - 1400 calories per day
I get enough sleep
I drink water
I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner
I eat protein several times per day


So, what do I need to change to lose the weight given that I should only work on a couple issues at a time?  I think the most important things are to add the fruits and vegetables and add the late afternoon snack.  I need a plan.  First, since I have some pasta with peas right now - I will fix that for lunch and take some steak for a snack.  That will take care of the snack thing but I still have the fruit and vegetable thing.

Stir fry comes to mind for the fruit and vegetable portion of my meals.  Pea pods bean sprouts, mushrooms with meat mixed in.  Fried rice with veggies and a bit of egg and meat.  Make some vegetable soup. 

For dinners:  cooked carrots.  peas, green beans, yellow beans, stuffed zucchini,