Okay; I've been thinking; I've been totally successful on MFP from September through a couple of weeks ago and today was my worst day ever. I'm way over my calorie limit and I haven't even had dinner. I have to ask myself ---what's going on? Back before I was on MFP if I didn't work on weight loss - my weight didn't fluctuate and even though I overate - not to the point of gaining on a weekly or even daily basis anyway. So I have to ask - why am I throwing roadblocks in my way? Why am I doing this to myself? What do I gain (besides the obvious) from staying fat?
My initial thought is "Nothing" I don't get anything out of being fat. But a deeper examination brings up some very uneasy feelings with regard to body image, weight loss, fear, self expression, and expectations. I went on my first diet in 5th grade. Mostly what I remember is the deep sense of shame at being fat and the resultant gnawing hunger from not eating enough. I lost the extra 5 pounds of weight and got a lot of positive feedback but it never changed how I felt about myself after I was told I was too fat. Somehow from that time on my self image has been that of a fat person, even when I was in high school and weighed just over 120. I was sure I was fat - it was who I was and my whole life has been lived as a fat person. It is my self image, but more than that it is WHO I AM. Is it any wonder that I panic when I think of changing?
I reached my first major milestone - 10 pounds lost and I panicked. I have 32 more to go. It feels like there is this huge wall of fear between me and my goal. And a huge wall of failure. And I hit the wall. I wonder who I will be if I lose the weight. I wonder if I will even lose it in the face of this wave of feelings.
I need to stop living my life as a fat person. I wasn't a fat person when I was in 5th grade - but my doctor freaked because I didn't fit the standard height weight charts and he scared my parents who did their well intentioned best to keep me healthy. The problem was that I twisted and internalized the message and to me, at that time being fat made me a bad person. This message has been the driving force of my life. Now when faced with actually losing weight and being healthy I feel lost. I talked to my husband about this and he pointed out that what it boils down to at the end of the day thin or fat, I need to answer 4 questions:
1. Did I eat healthy meals?
2. Did I drink enough water?
3. Did I exercise - even a little?
4. Did I get enough sleep?
Trust a man to cut to the heart of the matter. This journey is all about health for me I can't afford to let it be about the thin = good and fat = bad mentality. I have to let that go - it isn't serving me well. If I don't lose another pound for a month -- if I can say yes to these four questions I will be doing well. These questions are a better barometer of the choices I made. And frankly, the thin = good mentality just isn't realistic.
I admit it - I ate 800+ extra calories today. That doesn't make me a bad person.
I lost a lot of weight today; the oppressive weight of being a fat person - and believe me, when fat = bad this is huge. Now, if only I can remember this tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment