I'm one month into my wellness project and I'm wondering why I won't stay on a weight loss program for more than a week. Is it because I'm not committed? Is it because it is too much to keep track of in my mind? Is it because I need everything to be perfect before I begin? Is it because I think I don't deserve it? I want so badly to lose weight but somehow I will not sustain the effort it takes to finish the job. I have tried many times to lose weight and I always give up.
I could beat myself up with all of those reasons but the truth is - in my mind - unless I have performed perfectly then I have not done anything at all. But as I write this I realized that since I met with the nutritionist I have eaten yogurt and fruit nearly every day. I have added lunch to my routine. I have added healthy snacks at work. I have added protein to every meal. I have made all those changes and kept with them for more than a month. It's true that I have not lost weight but losing weight isn't the only measure of success. So, as I think about this I realize that I haven't been unsuccessful at all. I have been very, very successful in many aspects of this long-term project.
The truth is - I have always been very hard on myself. I have ignored all the things I have done right in favor of all the things I have done wrong. Because of this all or nothing thinking I have turned myself into a person who does not believe in success. A person who does not take risks. A person who believes that the end result is the only thing that matters. A person who has always said that "because I failed yesterday, I am a failure." I don't like that I have treated myself this way and it has to end. In the future, I will be listening carefully to the things I tell myself and I will challenge the negative messages.
As I look at all of the positive changes I have made in the last month, I realize that I'm ready to make a few more changes. I'm going to add lots of vegetables to my lunches this week. Carrots tomorrow, but stir fry later in the week, and perhaps fried rice with lots of vegetables. I'm going to limit chocolate to 3 Hershey kisses at a time with at least a 30 minute wait between servings. (Someday it may be 3 Hershey kisses per week, but I'm not ready for that yet.) I plan to begin exercise this week. I'm starting with the stationary cycle but I'm also beginning to add my physical therapy exercises to increase my core strenghth and also strengthen my left knee again so I can start walking.
It's true that I haven't lost weight. Yet. I haven't lost weight yet, but it's only a matter of time.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Day 1: No diet
One of my goals for this year is to become more healthy. To me this means eating a better diet and exercising as well as working on my spiritual life. Yesterday I went to see a nutritionist for a healthy eating plan. She taught me a lot and we set up a possible diet for me. I was very excited. Today is another story. Today, all I can think about is what I can and can't eat. I want to hurry and see a weight loss. Everything is focused on the idea of weight loss. This is not how I want to live my life. This year I am making some changes.
In the past I have tried a wide variety of diets, most of which I couldn't follow after about 3 weeks. So I constantly started and failed. Whenever I was on them, the whole focus of my life was on what I could and could not eat. My days were filled with either fighting off cravings or giving in to cravings. I could sustain this type of intensive thinking for about 3 weeks then I abandoned it for good. Not surprisingly, this led to feelings of failure. I just can't make myself sustain the constant fight to not eat the wrong foods.
Yesterday, I got another food plan, this time from a nutritionist. This plan added quite a bit of protein to my diet. I also listed some of my goals for the next few weeks. Things like buying more healthy food, and eating more fruits and vegetables. Today, I woke up excited to be starting a new food program, suddenly though, in the middle of the afternoon I realized that I am falling into my old obsessive pattern - focusing my life on food and diet. I thought about this off an on today and have decided that since this method never worked in the past there is no evidence that it will work now. Just to prove that I can learn from my mistakes I am changing the rules of the game.
Right now the only changes I am going to make are: 1) work on adding protein to my diet and 2) do aerobic exercise for 20 minutes on 4 days per week and lift weights on 2 days per week. That's it - the only changes I'm going to make for the next few weeks. I'll see how this goes. If I crave something besides what is on my plan - I will go ahead and allow myself to have it, especially if all I'm doing is thinking about it. That's it. The only changes that I will make at this time. It will be interesting to see what happens. I expect that by doing this I will feel a little more alert and I hope my cravings for sweets and treats will subside a bit. I expect that I will be much more relaxed, and that by getting used to this first change I can add additional changes over the next few months. I realize that I may not see a difference in the scale for the next couple of months but I think I will notice a difference in how I feel.
By giving myself permission to snack I'm removing the "cheating on my diet" aspect of the plan. I'm making a small change that I can incorporate into my daily life. It will be interesting to see what happens.
In the past I have tried a wide variety of diets, most of which I couldn't follow after about 3 weeks. So I constantly started and failed. Whenever I was on them, the whole focus of my life was on what I could and could not eat. My days were filled with either fighting off cravings or giving in to cravings. I could sustain this type of intensive thinking for about 3 weeks then I abandoned it for good. Not surprisingly, this led to feelings of failure. I just can't make myself sustain the constant fight to not eat the wrong foods.
Yesterday, I got another food plan, this time from a nutritionist. This plan added quite a bit of protein to my diet. I also listed some of my goals for the next few weeks. Things like buying more healthy food, and eating more fruits and vegetables. Today, I woke up excited to be starting a new food program, suddenly though, in the middle of the afternoon I realized that I am falling into my old obsessive pattern - focusing my life on food and diet. I thought about this off an on today and have decided that since this method never worked in the past there is no evidence that it will work now. Just to prove that I can learn from my mistakes I am changing the rules of the game.
Right now the only changes I am going to make are: 1) work on adding protein to my diet and 2) do aerobic exercise for 20 minutes on 4 days per week and lift weights on 2 days per week. That's it - the only changes I'm going to make for the next few weeks. I'll see how this goes. If I crave something besides what is on my plan - I will go ahead and allow myself to have it, especially if all I'm doing is thinking about it. That's it. The only changes that I will make at this time. It will be interesting to see what happens. I expect that by doing this I will feel a little more alert and I hope my cravings for sweets and treats will subside a bit. I expect that I will be much more relaxed, and that by getting used to this first change I can add additional changes over the next few months. I realize that I may not see a difference in the scale for the next couple of months but I think I will notice a difference in how I feel.
By giving myself permission to snack I'm removing the "cheating on my diet" aspect of the plan. I'm making a small change that I can incorporate into my daily life. It will be interesting to see what happens.
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