I have been reading "Women, Food, and God"  and I am working hard on dealing with my emotions so that I don't eat to numb myself.  John and I are going through a difficult time at one of the churches, my job is changing, my life is changing, and I find I'm extremely tense.  So, instead of eating I'm trying to listen to my body and eat for hunger and what my body needs rather than for what my emotions need.

By listening to my body tonight I realized I actually needed about half of what I had on my plate at dinner so I put the rest away for tomorrow.  The thing is, my head still wants to eat. And eat.  And eat some more.  I could do it all too easily.  But I tell myself that it's not what I want for myself.  Easily said but not so easily done.  I am craving any kind of food, but most notably carbs.   I tell myself that not only will eating them not make me happy - in reality it will actually make me unhappy.  But a voice in my head whispers  "a few cheerios won't hurt" or "just a small piece of toast" echos in my mind.  The thing is I don't really want them and I know I don't want them.  But the cravings are so, so strong.  And the voice and the cravings are so relentless.  And I feel so powerless.  And sometimes I just want to cry with frustration and pain and I don't know what to do.

Tonight I stand strong against the voice and craving.  I watch a movie that makes me happy and I spend 2 hours writing this blog and I manage to resist the food that my body does not need or want.

Tonight I will give myself credit for standing strong this new first time. I will celebrate my small victory and use it to build the next victory.  And each time I take a stand I forge a new path toward health, self respect, and happiness.   


For the moment then - I choose not to eat more - even though I want food more than anything.  I know, oh so well what would happen if I ate.  I would have this momentary rush of pleasure and then I would hate myself.  So, none of that.