A Rant.

Clearly, I don't know how to manage my emotions.  I'm impatient and self destructive.  Take today, for example.  John and I planned to go for a bike ride after I got home from work.  I got home a little late because I stopped at a library book sale.  Then I took some sudafed for my headache.  Then I was waiting for the headache to subside a bit before I go for a ride.  As I'm waiting for the sudafed to work John is sitting quietly waiting for me to go. Finally I am ready and we go to the garage.  I put on my helmet and suddenly he has to attach a little bag to his handlebars, which takes all of 3 minutes, Meanwhile, I'm impatiently waiting in the driveway when I hear him say - "which way are you going? I reply "Balmoral to Coachwood to the top of the neighborhood" He says "okay, I just have to put my helmet on so you start and I will catch up.  I take off and he never catches up to me.  I am at the top part of the neighborhood and he's nowhere in sight.  Thinking he might have a flat I turn around and pedal home, no husband.  As soon as I get home he arrives from another direction.  He had a flat tire.  He took another route to catch up with me.  The thing is you can see a long way down Coachwood and I looked and looked for him and he was no where in sight.  At this point I'm so mad that there is no way I'm going to ride with anyone.  In fact, I don't want to ride at all - I just want to sit inside, sulk and eat chocolate (see what I mean about self destructive?)

Now, here's my gripe - why couldn't he have checked everything when I was waiting for the headache to go away?  Why sit dressed for biking and wait for me, if he knew he had to put the bag on the handlebars?  Why tell me to start if he hasn't checked his tires yet?  The last angry gripe is with myself - why do I need my husband to go with me on my bike ride?" 

Interesting thought just occured to me.  Right now - I just want to sit here and stay fat.  Hummm, where did that come from?  It's like I'm at war with myself.  One part, the mature me wants to get healthy, the other part, the "I'm not gonna grow up" part wants to stay home and eat cookies.  I want to be the mature woman not the whiny kid so how do I deal with this?

Part of the problem, I think is that the mature woman does not really believe that losing weight will ever happen, so why bother.  But what if the worst happened?  What if I never lost weight no matter what I did - what can I change?  

One thing I know that I can change is that I can change my size a bit.  I think with exercise I could go down a couple of pants sizes.  I think with exercise I could strengthen my core and be more comfortable in my skin.  I would have better posture.  I think that by eating better (more fruits and vegetables, dairy and protein) I can improve my skin and hair.  I think that exercise will make me sleep better. I think that exercise will make me a better worker (because I sleep better.)  I think that exercise and good eating habits will give me a great deal of energy, even if I never lose alot of weight.

I think my goal just changed a bit - maybe my goal is more about feeling good and eating right to feel good.