Epiphany

Last Sunday I realized that I have hated my body since 1962.  It is now 2010 - that's a long time to hate anything.  When I say I hated my body I'm serious.  When I was in 5th grade my pediatrician told my parents I was fat.  I was put on a strict diet and so began my dive into self hatred and body loathing.

My dad saw the world as black and white.  For instance, we joke in our family that there are 2 ways to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - my dad's way and the wrong way.  Throughout my growing up years I adopted some of his "right / wrong" mentality and applied to weight.  This is how that thinking went "you are either fat or you are thin" If you are in between then you are fat because in-between is by definition "not thin."  (Logically, its not fat either, but that's not how I was raised.)  If you could go back in time to 1968-1970 you would see me as a 5'4", 124 pound young woman.  I was a synchronized swimmer, I was in the marching band, I rode my bicycle everywhere, I ran most mornings, I was the fencing champion of gym class, I swam a mile on the first day of the summer swimming season, and I firmly believed I was fat.  

Here is my epiphany:  this last Sunday I realized that I have never seen myself thin. Ever.  It didn't matter what I weighed, if I wasn't 115, then I was fat.  Period.  If this was the end of the story it would be a sad, sad tale. 
On Sunday,I realized that not only was I weighed down by my actual weight (195) but I was weighed down by my all or nothing thinking and the belief that the purpose of losing weight was to be thin.  For me, that's not the case any longer.   For me, the purpose of losing weight is to feel good physically.  The purpose of losing weight is to feel the sense of accomplishment of taking care of my body.  The purpose of losing weight is to get healthy.  The purpose of losing weight is to be more comfortable.  The purpose of losing weight is to become strong.  The bonus of losing weight is buying smaller clothes and looking better.

I felt such a HUGE sense of relief.   For more years than I can count I have felt like I was carrying a load of rocks on my back.   The load was so heavy and oppressive that some days I felt like I couldn't stand up straight. I cried with relief when I realized that was gone.  I celebrated by going to get some new makeup.

The world is full of possibilities.