I am noticing that as I change my eating habits - my thinking is changing as well. Every pound that melts away reveals something about myself that I don't really want to face. Memories that I want to stay buried, old hurts that I never really faced, poor choices I made, mistakes that I can't (or won't) forgive myself for. Not only do I need to deal with the straight up meal planning and eating choices I make on a daily basis I also need to deal with all of the self criticism, resentment, guilt, and pain that I dish out to myself on a daily basis. I hate making mistakes - but why? Everyone makes them. There isn't a mistake that can't be fixed. BUT here's what I do when I make a mistake - I beat myself up with words, with constant negative self talk, with words and thoughts that are meant to hurt. If one of my friends treated me the way I treated myself I would end the friendship. Sometimes, I feel trapped in my body with an enemy and the enemy is me and there's no escape. Up until now the escape has been food (or rather weight.)
See, when I focused on my weight and my eating I could bury the voice of the evil twin (I think I will name her Drusilla.) I could worry about my weight - not about my mistakes. But when I eat right I have no cushion against the voice. I have nothing else to worry about. I can't divert the message. So what is the answer? I think I said it earlier - I just have to apply it. There is no mistake so bad that it can't be fixed. Now, I have to figure out how to apply that belief. At the end of the day I need to just simply own the mistake and move on. I have to start to realize that there is no need for punishment and it's counter productive.
I think I'm going to be having to face a lot of stuff in the near future.
No comments:
Post a Comment