It's not even noon yet and I can't tell you how many Hershey's Kisses I have had already today. I hate to say it but I'm eating them by the handful. I tell myself to stop but clearly I am not listening. It is very strange this conscious silencing of my real voice. I know what is good for me, I know that chocolate (especially in these quantities) is bad for me and my eating plan yet I consciously go ahead and eat it. It's almost as if I am punishing myself, I am withholding what I want most in order to hurt myself. Hummm, there's an honest statement (and one that bears exploring)
"I am withholding what I want the most" What I want the most is to have a healthy relationship with food, I want to stick to my plan, I want to feel good about myself and my eating, I want to become strong and powerful. I want to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. And even this early in the day - my eating has not gone according to plan. I am consciously changing that right now. For the rest of the day I eat according to plan, I exercise, and I write my Advent blog. But, in the meantime I still need to decode what my behavior this morning is telling me so that I can recognize it and change it the next time.
As I stop and reflect on the morning, I think my behavior is driven by a combination of anger, guilt, and defensiveness all mixed up together. I feel extremely guilty about not going to church this morning, I feel guilty for not going to the community Lenten program this afternoon, I feel anger that my husband has to go to all of these things AND that so much time on the weekends is taken up with church things. So I feel like I've let God down, let the church down, and let my husband down. Clearly, I need to let go of these expectations and resentments. I suppose I have taken the first step here by recognizing and recording them.
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