Monday

Every once in a while you get a day like today - a day where nothing goes right.  A day where you said something so totally idiotic that you wonder if you took a stupid pill when you got up in the morning.  A day where you managed to annoy every person you came in contact with.  Today is that day for me.  Ugh, its a day that I just want wipe off the calendar and forget.  You would think that the laws of time and space would prevent wiping out a day but you would be wrong.  The sure-fire, no fail, way to wipe out the day is summed up in 2 simple words:  Eat chocolate.

See, what happens is that you come home upset and you begin to look for a way to silence the critical internal voice that is constantly jeering at you about your mistakes.  "Chocolate would be so soothing," you think.   "You will  feel better if you eat something" you tell yourself.  "Just go to the cupboard and eat a  little bit of  the chocolate heart you got for valentines day" the little voice whispers in my ear "you don't have to eat it all', and "you really need it" or  "you'll feel better if you eat it"  the insidious messages whisper repeatedly through my mind.  At its worst the voice is relentless and the physical craving  escalates until  is so strong that it silences everything else. The only thing I can think about is having chocolate; the taste, the texture, the fragrance.  Ack!   I wrench my thoughts away from the chocolate.  "Lies" I tell myself, it's all lies.  But that is not exactly the truth.

Here is how it works.  You give in to the voice and eat the chocolate - even if you don't want it-- because, face it,  the voice is so strong and so relentless, and you feel so badly about yourself that you finally cave in to the temptation.  You indulge in a momentary flash of pleasure as you savor the intoxicating taste and texture of the chocolate.  When all of the chocolate is gone (and I do mean all) the guilt sets in and you spend the rest of the night feeling angry at yourself for not staying on your eating plan.  Instead of facing all of the day's failures you focus 100% of your attention and guilt on the chocolate mini binge.  Congratulations.  You have successfully wiped the day out of your mind. You tell yourself "I'll do better on my eating plan tomorrow" and you intend to do that very thing only you never do, because tomorrow brings its own problems.  

I'm writing this because I am having one of those days today, and I so WANT that chocolate.  But, instead I write and by writing I realize this truth--eating the chocolate won't make me feel better - it will just make me feel bad in a different way.   I realize that up until now I would rather feel bad by eating than bad by remembering the day. I hate feeling so stupid and knowing that I looked foolish. It seems like the worst feeling in the world.   But, each time I face the truth of the day, I  learn that I'm fine just the way I am; that a little humiliation won't kill me, I won't die of embarrassment either, I think I have become a little bit stronger.  And stronger is a very good thing.