I Have this Hunger

I have been thinking about my staying on my eating plan for the rest of the day I slowly came to realize something.  I have this hunger in me.  Ever since I made the decision to stay on my plan for the rest of the day I have been craving potato chips and chocolate.  But as I tell myself "no" to the junk food another "hunger" has been surfacing in my mind and heart.  It's hard to describe this hunger, it is so deeply ingrained in me that I can not remember a time when the hunger wasn't there.  At its most basic it is a hunger for power; not the kind of power that hungers for dominion over other people; rather, this hunger is for personal power.  Its the kind of power that is a quiet confidence in myself.  The kind of power that enables me to make the very best choices for myself.   Its the confidence to realize that the decisions I make are the right ones for me.  It is the kind of power that allows me to hear hurtful comments and not take them to heart.  It is the kind of power that allows others to have their own opinion.   It is, quite simply, confidence in myself and my decisions.

It's the confidence that enables me to say no to cookies, or potato chips, or chocolate simply because they are not what I want in my life right now.  Not because I "supposed" to say no to them but because I want to.  It is ironic to realize that by eating cookies, or chips, or too much chocolate I was denying myself the power and confidence that I crave so deeply.  The behaviors that I used to fill an empty space within me were, in fact the very ones that prevented me from filling that void.

All my life I have tried to lose weight because it was what I was "supposed" to do.  Not because I would feel better, not because I would be more healthy, not because I would feel more comfortable, not because I would gain strength and self confidence by developing healthy eating skills, all my life the only reason to lose weight was because it didn't matter how smart, kind, or talented someone was - the only thing that mattered was how thin someone was.  The reasons that I needed to lose weight were public image reasons. 

For me today -  healthy eating is no longer about doing what I am supposed to do.  Healthy eating is about becoming stronger, it's about being able to say no to myself and others, it's about drawing boundaries, its about becoming the best person I can be.  It's about putting myself "out there" being genuine and real. It's not about looking good (although that would be an excellent side effect.)

I think that each time I draw a boundary, each time I say no to doing something that goes against my best interests I will become stronger and I will begin to fill that void and become more of the person I was created to be.