Negative Thoughts

I am noticing that as I change my eating habits - my thinking is changing as well.  Every pound that melts away reveals something about myself that I don't really want to face.  Memories that I want to stay buried, old hurts that I never really faced, poor choices I made,  mistakes that I can't (or won't) forgive myself for.  Not only do I need to deal with the straight up meal planning and eating choices I make on a daily basis I also need to deal with all of the self criticism, resentment, guilt, and pain that I dish out to myself on a daily basis.  I hate making mistakes - but why?  Everyone makes them.  There isn't a mistake that can't be fixed.  BUT here's what I do when I make a mistake - I beat myself up with words, with constant negative self talk, with words and thoughts that are meant to hurt.  If one of my friends treated me the way I treated myself I would end the friendship.  Sometimes,  I feel trapped in my body with an enemy and the enemy is me and there's no escape.  Up until now the escape has been food (or rather weight.)

See, when I focused on my weight and my eating I could bury the voice of the evil twin (I think I will name her Drusilla.)  I could worry about my weight - not about my mistakes.  But when I eat right I have no cushion against the voice.  I have nothing else to worry about.  I can't divert the message. So what is the answer?  I think I said it earlier - I just have to apply it.  There is no mistake so bad that it can't be fixed.  Now, I have to figure out how to apply that belief.  At the end of the day I need to just simply own the mistake and move on.  I have to start to realize that there is no need for punishment and it's counter productive. 

I think I'm going to be having to face a lot of stuff in the near future.

Spring.

I've really been struggling lately.  In fact, I gained 4 pounds since last February.  That means I only lost 7 since last September.   I was feeling pretty depressed about it and hopeless about it too.  Yesterday, I was out in the afternoon and all of a sudden I felt great.  Excited about getting back on the program and eating healthy and fired up about losing weight again.  Why?  How did this happen?  Will I be able to make it happen again?  It would be really nice to know because I could get things turned around a whole lot faster if I could consciously do this when I needed to. 

I have 5 more months until I hit the one year mark and I have been thinking about my goal.  Since I got back on the plan I started to dream about what I can do before September and I really have to stop this dreaming.  Because when I dream like this the focus of my life shifts to weight loss. 

I need to keep practicing taking the focus of my life off my weight.  My spiritual life, my career, my writing, my family, those are the things that I want to be the focus of my life.