Chaos.

Chaos.  My inner life is in a state of chaos.  Wikipedia defines chaos as "as state lacking order or predictability".   The only thing that is predictable is the unpredictability.  Thoughts ping around in my mind like a  pinball.  I indulge in worry.  I worry about my house, my job, my weight, my grown children, my mother.  I worry about disappointing people.  My husband says if I didn't have something to worry about I would make something up.  It's been this way my entire life.  I can remember being in 5th grade and being unable to sleep because I was worrying about my report card.  Worry and anxiety drive my life.  The worry is so great that I have difficulty in addressing the issues that worry me.  This can't be good for me.

My house reflects this chaos as well.  Piles of clutter litter every flat surface.  I can't seem to sustain any interest in anything for more than 5 minutes.  I rarely finish anything that I start unless it is a work related deadline.  I find it difficult to focus on this blog.  Early in my life I had to find a way to stop all of the noise and worry and reading seemed to work the best.  I could check out of reality and live another person's life for a while.  A life which progresses from one point to another, no random deviations, no anxiety.  Just peace and order.

I sometimes wonder if I have ADD.  I wonder if I need more structure in my life - because often it feels like I have too many choices.  Perhaps I need to think more about structure, about what it could do for me.