New Day

I noticed something interesting yesterday but I have to back up a bit to share it.  I have been struggling with my healthy eating since Mid-January.  At first my weight remained the same, but slowly it began to creep up.  When I had gained one pound I thought to myself, "oh, I'll just wait until Monday to weigh myself, because I can be a pound down by then." So I didn't record my weight.  When Monday rolled around I was not back down a pound so I though, "oh, I'll just weigh myself on Friday because the extra pound will be off by then" but by Friday, I had gained another pound.  Now I was up 2 pounds and in addition to the 2 pounds I was carrying the frustration that I would need to lose 2 pounds before I could record my weight.

The burden of carrying extra weight is heavy enough - but if you add to it the emotional weight of: 1) hiding the truth from myself, 2) mentally carrying the burden of having the extra pounds to get rid of before a weigh-in, and 3) trying to deal with the anger at myself for gaining weight, the stress became unmanageable.  The emotional weight of this kind of burden drove me to take refuge in some unhealthy habits (most notably, reading and snacking) that I use to avoid stress.  Which increased the weight.  It was a vicious circle. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  I weighed myself and recorded my weight.  A total of 3 pounds gained since mid January.  The little badge on My Fitness Pal reads 8 pounds lost (in 165 days.)  You would think this would be depressing.  Instead, a wonderful thing happened.  I looked at the little 8 pounds lost badge and instead of feeling depressed I felt empowered.  I felt ready to buckle down and stick to my eating program, I felt ready to take on the world.  The emotional burden was gone; I was free.  As I ponder this, I have come to the conclusion that the emotional weight is far, far heavier than the physical weight.

I'm resolving to be more upfront and honest with myself, recording the "bad" weights along with the good ones.  In fact, I might go so far as to say that I'm ditching the whole idea of "bad" weights.  Because by labeling a part of myself as "bad" I'm condemning myself. And when I condemn myself I become overly critical of everything around me, and that drives me to snack.  I will have to start thinking in terms of "good" and "better".

As of yesterday, it's all good.