It's not about feelings.

As someone who regularly eats her feelings I'm looking at a tough day.  Lack of sleep combined with a minor weight gain has put me in a foul mood.  The dog woke me up at 3 am and kept me awake the rest of the night. I left my fitbit on my slacks yesterday and it went through the washer and dryer and now is won't work.  Whatever happened to yesterday's fun?  I'm expecting a terrible day today.

I guess what I need to do is to figure out what would make it a good day and work like crazy to make it happen.  Despite how I feel.  What would make today a good day?

• If I could stay on my eating plan despite how I feel.
• If I could think of something to have for lunch.
• If I fake being happy until I actually become happy.
• If I can stay alert at work and do my work well.
• If I get my exercise today.

 I guess these are my goals today.   First order of business:  caffeine.  Second, breakfast.  Third, caffeine.  Fourth: make some lunch and snacks for work.  Fifth:  caffeine.  Once I tackle this list I'll be ready to face the day.

"Fun"

Lately, as I've struggled with staying on my eating plan I haven't had much success or fun with the weight loss journey.  the original title of this post today was going to be "It's All About Me" but as I wrote that first sentence I realize that "Fun" is what I want to think about.

Whenever I start a diet I'm full of resolve and a heady excitement - a passion to finally lose all this weight and be thin forever.  Some people might be able to sustain that excitement --I'm not one of them.  So I have struggled for the last 2 months - struggled to stay on the plan, given myself pep talks, and failed repeatedly.  Whenever I fail I mentally beat myself up and get frustrated and weigh myself everyday and feel bad.  Which brings me to fun.  How is any of this fun?  It isn't.

But this weight loss journey should be fun.  I want it to be about new adventures, new ways of thinking, new ways of reacting to problems, new recipes to make, new meals to try, in short, fun.  I want to focus on what I can eat; not what I can't.   I want to focus on what I have accomplished - not how far I have to go.  I want to enjoy myself on this journey.  So, from now on - it's all about fun. 

New Day

I noticed something interesting yesterday but I have to back up a bit to share it.  I have been struggling with my healthy eating since Mid-January.  At first my weight remained the same, but slowly it began to creep up.  When I had gained one pound I thought to myself, "oh, I'll just wait until Monday to weigh myself, because I can be a pound down by then." So I didn't record my weight.  When Monday rolled around I was not back down a pound so I though, "oh, I'll just weigh myself on Friday because the extra pound will be off by then" but by Friday, I had gained another pound.  Now I was up 2 pounds and in addition to the 2 pounds I was carrying the frustration that I would need to lose 2 pounds before I could record my weight.

The burden of carrying extra weight is heavy enough - but if you add to it the emotional weight of: 1) hiding the truth from myself, 2) mentally carrying the burden of having the extra pounds to get rid of before a weigh-in, and 3) trying to deal with the anger at myself for gaining weight, the stress became unmanageable.  The emotional weight of this kind of burden drove me to take refuge in some unhealthy habits (most notably, reading and snacking) that I use to avoid stress.  Which increased the weight.  It was a vicious circle. 

Fast forward to yesterday.  I weighed myself and recorded my weight.  A total of 3 pounds gained since mid January.  The little badge on My Fitness Pal reads 8 pounds lost (in 165 days.)  You would think this would be depressing.  Instead, a wonderful thing happened.  I looked at the little 8 pounds lost badge and instead of feeling depressed I felt empowered.  I felt ready to buckle down and stick to my eating program, I felt ready to take on the world.  The emotional burden was gone; I was free.  As I ponder this, I have come to the conclusion that the emotional weight is far, far heavier than the physical weight.

I'm resolving to be more upfront and honest with myself, recording the "bad" weights along with the good ones.  In fact, I might go so far as to say that I'm ditching the whole idea of "bad" weights.  Because by labeling a part of myself as "bad" I'm condemning myself. And when I condemn myself I become overly critical of everything around me, and that drives me to snack.  I will have to start thinking in terms of "good" and "better".

As of yesterday, it's all good.