Control?

I'm having a real problem staying on my eating plan and my weight is beginning to creep back up.  As I think about this I realize that this is a symptom of how I feel about my life - so many things are outside my control right now.  My co-worker's career plans, my career plans, my spiritual life, my health feels out of control, how the house looks is somewhat out of my control, even my fitness goals are out of my control.  It all started with the spot found during my mammogram - and the resulting days of stress as I went for all of the necessary tests.  Even the great news that I didn't have cancer hasn't undone the feeling of loss of control.  I went to the basement today intending to work out but someone had ridden the stationary cycle and the seat was not adjusted for me and I couldn't put it to the right spot because it is so hard to adjust. 

I hate this.  The more things spiral out of control in my environment the more I lose control with my eating.  The general lack of control of my environment triggers the overeating.  I seem to spend my energy dealing with everything that is going on around me and not giving any attention to what is going on in me.  If I think about it logically, I realize that it is at times like these when everything falls apart that I most need to care for myself by exercising and eating right.  But I tell you, this is the most difficult thing to do.  I don't HAVE the energy to put into self care. 

Unfortunately, all I can seem to do is try get to the other side of the lack of control time and hope I haven't gained all the weight back.  Reading and eating are both escapes.  But I need an active way to deal with this. 

My spiritual life isn't so great that prayer and Bible reading will help, although I can try.  I think the best thing to do is to silence the inner voice in my head that is whispering that reading and eating will help.  It lies. 

Mapping out an active plan is what will help.  Making meals and snacks up in advance will help.  Making a time to exercise is what will help.  Strengthening my hands will help (that way I can move that sticky seat on the stationary cycle.)  Looking for a personal trainer will help.  Planning for some chocolate every day will help.  And allowing myself to read in the evening will help because it won't be an unthinking response to avoiding the things that are bothering me. 

So for today, I have exercised 15 minutes so far; I will aim for walking 20 later today. I will commit to doing a 15 minute NYC Ballet workout.    I will make some Ellie Kreiger chocolate, almond, and dried cherry treats.  I will also make some mini quiches to take for lunch next week.  I will buy some vegetables and make a stir fry to have for lunch next week.  I will make an apple crisp so I have a healthy dessert. AND I will work on my spiritual life.