Something to think about.

I have had a very difficult time on Friday and Saturday staying on the MFP  program.  I want to lose weight, more importantly, I want to stay on the program.  But Friday and Saturday I literally couldn't.  I could not control what I ate - the cravings were incredibly strong and there is this angry beast inside of me that seems to be forcing me to self destruct.  I've been thinking about this.  Why? is my first question.  Why is there a ravenous beast inside of me when there hasn't been one since September.  What is different about this week.  I think I might have a partial answer.

I work in a 3 person office.  There is my boss and my co-worker.  Usually we all get along really well.  However, since last week my co-worker stopped speaking to me.  I have no idea what I did but she just stopped initiating conversation and she will answer a question with the shortest answer possible.  I have no idea what I did or said.  I have asked if there is anything wrong and the answer is "nothing".   I don't know how to make it right.  I just know that something is wrong.

As I ponder this issue several ideas come to mind:

1.  Why do I need her approval?  I don't want it to bother me if someone isn't speaking to me.  After all, I asked if something is wrong and was rebuffed.  Clearly, the ball in in her court.  Furthermore, maybe it's not even me.  Maybe when she said "nothing" she actually meant "nothing." So far I have been staying friendly and acting happy and trying to just leave her alone to deal with whatever is bothering her.  I guess I just need to keep doing this.  But then I ask myself why I feel compelled to take the blame and/or responsibility for a problem with the relationship.  When I was growing up, I was taught that when there was a problem, you accepted responsibility for it.  Perhaps I took the lesson too far and accept responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me.

 2.  Why do I eat when things are going badly in an area of my life?  A couple of things come to mind:  First, do I eat to comfort myself, or because I don't know how to get out from under the negative emotions.  Face it, those kind of emotions just wear you down.  They are just always there.  Nagging.
Second, do I eat to punish myself?  Do I somehow begin to think that I don't deserve to be thin when I have problems with other people?  Am I withholding what I want the most until I can be perfect.  Why would I do this to myself?

In all honesty, I think both of these possibilities are true.   I don't quite know what to do with the negative emotions, I operate under the assumption that if I can make everything right - the bad feelings will go away.  This is so not true.  What if someone close to me died - there is no way I could act that would take away the pain of grieving the loss someone I loved.  And yes, I eat as the metaphorical equivalent of sending myself to my room.  

Of course, the next step is to figure out what I need to do with this information.