What do I want?

I have been doing myfitnesspal for over a month now and I have lost between 3 and 4 pounds.  The fact that I have been stuck at 4 pounds for the last 2 weeks makes me wonder - what do I really want?  What do I need to make it work?  What kind of commitment do I want to make to the whole weight loss issue?

First and foremost, I want to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see.  This is the most important issue to deal with.  Because I have been trained to think that if I am overweight then I'm not allowed to be happy about myself.  I have lived a lifetime of loathing.  Some time ago I vowed that this would stop.  That I would smile more, that I would be happy no matter what I see in the mirror.  I think, on the surface I am doing well at this issue however, my dependence on the scale says otherwise.  This is an issue that I need to work at each and every day.

Second, I want my hard work to pay off at weigh in time.  This places too much dependence on the scale.  I notice a lot of other payoff's with regard to my body.  First, I feel wonderful when I work out.  I remember more at work, I am happier in general, I sleep better, my pants are all mostly too big.  So there are a lot of pluses to this program.

Third, I still subconsciously and consciously want to be thin.  Part of this is the conditioning of my culture, part of this is my health, part of this is to please my parents (and part of staying fat is to assert my independence from them) part of this is so that it will be "okay" to like what I see in the mirror.

Fourth, I still think of this as a "diet" not as a way of life and it's going to take hard work to change my thinking.  I think this is the issue that I need to work on most.  I need to make some goals that function as, for lack of a better word, rules for living.  Changes that I make to my habits that impact the rest of my life.  But that's for the next post. 

What if, I stayed on this program for the next six months and only lost a pound a month?  What would be the impact?  I would weigh six pounds less, my BMI would improve, my cholesterol would improve, my blood pressure would improve, I would feel better.  I would feel an immense sense of satisfaction at what I had accomplished.  BUT I would also probably feel like if I did the program better I would lose faster.  I would pick apart all of my mistakes, and I would be angry with myself for not doing more - because that's how I approach life in general.  Everything has to be done quickly and perfectly.  THIS is the change that is the most important one to make, the change that is central to how I spend the rest of my life.

Do you notice a pattern?  Each issue is the one that I say I need to work on - they are all issues that I need to work on.  So how do I do that - one day and one week at a time. What is my goal for this week with regard to eating and living?  Watch out for negative thinking.  Have fun working on the program.  Celebrate what I can do and how I improve at living.