All or Nothing

I'm one month into my wellness project and I'm wondering why I won't stay on a weight loss program for more than a week.  Is it because I'm not committed?  Is it because it is too much to keep track of in my mind?  Is it because I need everything to be perfect before I begin?  Is it because I think I don't deserve it? I want so badly to lose weight but somehow I will not sustain the effort it takes to finish the job.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I always give up. 

I could beat myself up with all of those reasons but the truth is - in my mind - unless I have performed perfectly then I have not done anything at all.  But as I write this I realized that since I met with the nutritionist I have eaten yogurt and fruit nearly every day.  I have added lunch to my routine.  I have added healthy snacks at work.  I have added protein to every meal.  I have made all those changes and kept with them for more than a month. It's true that I have not lost weight but losing weight isn't the only measure of success.   So, as I think about this I realize that I haven't been unsuccessful at all.  I have been very, very successful in many aspects of this long-term project.

The truth is - I have always been very hard on myself.  I have ignored all the things I have done right in favor of all the things I have done wrong.  Because of this all or nothing thinking I have turned myself into a person who does not believe in success.  A person who does not take risks.  A person who believes that the end result is the only thing that matters.  A person who has always said that "because I failed yesterday, I am a failure."   I don't like that I have treated myself this way and it has to end.  In the future, I will be listening carefully to the things I tell myself and I will challenge the negative messages.

As I look at all of the positive changes I have made in the last month, I realize that I'm ready to make a few more changes.  I'm going to add lots of vegetables to my lunches this week. Carrots tomorrow, but stir fry later in the week, and perhaps fried rice with lots of vegetables.  I'm going to limit chocolate  to 3 Hershey kisses at a time with at least a 30 minute wait between servings.  (Someday it may be 3 Hershey kisses per week, but I'm not ready for that yet.)  I plan to begin exercise this week.  I'm starting with the stationary cycle but I'm also beginning to add my physical therapy exercises to increase my core strenghth and also strengthen my left knee again so I can start walking.

It's true that I haven't lost weight.  Yet.  I haven't lost weight yet, but it's only a matter of time.